First Draft PS - if you get the chance...

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
phillyboy101
Posts: 51
Joined: Thu Dec 22, 2011 6:39 am

First Draft PS - if you get the chance...

Postby phillyboy101 » Thu Dec 22, 2011 6:48 am

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Last edited by phillyboy101 on Wed Jan 25, 2012 4:00 am, edited 1 time in total.

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breadbucket
Posts: 170
Joined: Thu Dec 08, 2011 10:57 pm

Re: First Draft PS - if you get the chance...

Postby breadbucket » Thu Dec 22, 2011 6:57 am

Try paragraphs

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icecold3000
Posts: 213
Joined: Mon Dec 13, 2010 10:50 am

Re: First Draft PS - if you get the chance...

Postby icecold3000 » Thu Dec 22, 2011 1:00 pm

So you did bad on the MCAT, now you want to be a lawyer? Just kidding.

My advise would be to quit trying to write the great American novel. Sentences and phrases such as these need to disappear.
my career goals changed like the leaves in November


The one constant remained my unwavering desire to be a member of the scientific community. I needed this like I needed air to breathe.


Other than that, I think this has some potentiol.

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Blessedassurance
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Joined: Mon Jun 27, 2011 3:42 pm

Re: First Draft PS - if you get the chance...

Postby Blessedassurance » Thu Dec 22, 2011 1:08 pm

Lost and confused, I confided in my aunt, an attorney, about these inhibitions, and she told me about a friend of hers in law school, a biochemistry PhD, who similarly loved scientific research, but dreaded the lab table test tube lifestyle that came with it; consequently, she pursued work in intellectual property law.


Fix this. The length is compounded by the insertion of the semi colon. Also, get rid of some of the somewhat-cliched similes and metaphors in the essay. I liked it. Should be good after revisions.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: First Draft PS - if you get the chance...

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Dec 22, 2011 1:15 pm

This is an above average law school personal statement essay, in my opinion. Unlike the impression of an above poster, your creative writing phrases work & provide a refreshing element that should further distinguish your writing from thousands of other application essays. However, the parentheses need to be deleted as does the word "truly" before "got a grasp".

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: First Draft PS - if you get the chance...

Postby kublaikahn » Sat Dec 24, 2011 2:47 am

This can be good. I would start with your love of science first. Talk about the feeling that you knew pre-med wasn't right for you even before you started, but without another plan, was the only thing you could do. You can transition, to research as you searched for solutions, then finally found a passion in the science arena that could sustain you.

I think it works, but you need to paint your path as a problem solving exercise showing a well thought out conclusion to study IP law.




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