Another PS, getting ready to submit apps (Hawaiian Focus)

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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jeremydc
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Another PS, getting ready to submit apps (Hawaiian Focus)

Postby jeremydc » Wed Dec 21, 2011 6:01 pm

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Last edited by jeremydc on Sun Nov 22, 2015 2:24 am, edited 1 time in total.

Englander742
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Re: Another PS, getting ready to submit apps (Hawaiian Focus)

Postby Englander742 » Wed Dec 21, 2011 6:17 pm

jeremydc wrote: Growing up on the island of Oahu, I did not fully understand my rights as a Native Hawaiian. You need to take this out or define what the "Native Hawaiian rights" are. Despite the trials and tribulations that I have faced, I have never abandoned my identity. I am proud to be a Native Hawaiian but that’s not easy.Repetitive As a member of a Hawaiian community on the Leeward Coast, I learned that many people also did not fully comprehend the rights that we possess as Native Hawaiians.Again, this doesn't hold enough meaning unless explained In pursuit ofBy pursuing a legal education, I am hoping to interpret the law to help establish what rights Native Hawaiians possess and how to use these rights to strengthen the Hawaiian Community as a whole. The last part of this is a bit wordy

My experiences as a child were unique because I was sheltered in a community that was becoming culturally extinct.and Many friends and neighbors had a difficult time seeing the opportunities that were attainable. Even though there were some negative aspects growing up in a Hawaiian community, we were still a communal culture with healthy family support systems. The one thing that I had a hard time understanding was the ideology that many of our problems as a community could be blamed on the “haole.” ItThis mentality says it is the white man’s fault that we were not as educated as they are and that our culture was on the verge of extinction. I simply could not understand such an explanation until I experienced life in a predominately white community.This last sentence doesn't make sense in light of the next paragraph. What about you going to a white school let you to be able to understand blaming things on the haole?

At the age 13, my mother decided that it would be best for me to receive a quality education at a school that had been consistently recognized for providing its students with the best available tools that would help them get into college. Even though I was seen as an outsider by virtuebecause of the way I spoke andof my skin complexion, my experiences at such a school made me aware that the vast majority of my classmates wereclearly on track to go to college while many of my friends back home were not. I realized that education was the key to be successful in life.This last sentence could use more explaining. Were the people at the school obviously better off than your friends back home?

After a year at the predominately white middle school, my family moved back to the Leeward Coast of Oahu. I quickly recognized that receiving an education was seen as the exceptiona distraction rather than the norm. Nothing would stop me from becoming the second person in my immediate familyfromto obtaining mya high school diploma. I became involved in extracurricular activities throughout high school because I knew that being productive would help me stay away fromthe distractionsthat peer pressure could bring. At the age of 17, I became heavily involved in mixed martial arts. As a part of my growth process, mixed martial arts had taught me self-disciple and never back away from a challenge to give up on a fight. I learned the tools necessary to succeed in any situation.

There are many problems thatfaceing the Hawaiian culture such as being defined by our blood quantum, the lack of adequate and sufficient homelands, and the need for a quality education system for Native Hawaiians to understand the rights that we possess.This is a long and confusing sentence As a lawyer, I will ensure that my community will have a voice within the legal system that has also experienced the difficulties of being a Native Hawaiian in Hawaii today.This sentence also needs revised for clarity


I have made some revisions and them also made comments in blue. There some good potential here. I hope this helps.

My edits are just in the text (and not in blue) so make sure to catch those. They're often by the strikeouts.

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rinkrat19
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Re: Another PS, getting ready to submit apps (Hawaiian Focus)

Postby rinkrat19 » Wed Dec 21, 2011 6:31 pm

Growing up on the island of Oahu, I did not fully understand my rights as a Native Hawaiian. [what rights? You never explain or list them.] Despite the trials and tribulations that I have faced, I have never abandoned my identity. [you also never really elaborate on the trials caused by your heritage except for looking different from other kids at a school.] I am proud to be a Native Hawaiian but that’s not easy. As a member of a Hawaiian community on the Leeward Coast, I learned that many people also did not fully comprehend the rights that we possess as Native Hawaiians. [again, what rights?] In pursuit of a legal education, I am hoping to interpret the law to help establish what rights Native Hawaiians possess and how to use these rights to strengthen the Hawaiian Community as a whole.
You sound like you're throwing around the word 'rights' without really knowing what it means because it sounds noble and vaguely "legal." Rights are granted by laws, custom or ethics. They are specific things, like the right to vote (a legal right) or the right to be treated with respect by others (a societal right). I don't know if you're just referring to a Hawaiian's right to not be discriminated against because of his skin color, or to something more concrete like an Alaskan native's right to a share in the oil profits of their state.

My experiences as a child were unique because I was sheltered in a community that was becoming culturally extinct and many had a difficult time seeing the opportunities that were attainable. Even though there were some negative aspects growing up in a Hawaiian community, we were still a communal culture with healthy family support systems. [that's super, but doens't connect to anything else you say.] The one thing that I had a hard time understanding was the ideology that many of our problems as a community could be blamed on the “haole.” It is the white man’s fault that we were not as educated as them that our culture was on the verge of extinction. I simply could not understand such an explanation until I experienced life in a predominately white community. [by 'understand' do you mean that you now comprehend why people think that way, or that you now agree with it?]

[your mother was not 13 when she decided this] At the age 13 When I was 13 years old, my mother decided that it would be best for me to receive a quality education at a school that had been consistently recognized for providing its students with the best available tools that would help them get into college. attend a well-regarded prep school. [where was this school?] Even though I was seen as an outsider by virtue of the way I spoke and of my skin complexion, my experiences at such a school made me aware that the vast majority of my classmates were clearly on track to go to college while many of my friends back home were not. I realized that education was the key to be successful in life.

After a year at the predominately white middle school, my family moved back to the Leeward Coast of Oahu. I quickly recognized that receiving an education was seen as a distraction rather than the norm. ['distraction' and 'the norm' are not opposites] Nothing would stop me from becoming the second person in my immediate family from obtaining my high school diploma. [where did this sudden determination come from?] I became involved in extracurricular activities throughout high school because I knew that being productive would help me stay away from the distractions that peer pressure could bring. At the age of 17, I became heavily involved in mixed martial arts. As a part of my growth process, mixed martial arts had taught me self-disciple and never to give up on a fight. [two sentences on MMA is unneccessary. Either it was a big thing in your life and deserves more than a passing mention, or it wasn't and can get cut.] I learned the tools necessary to succeed in any situation. [incredibly cliché]

There are many problems that face the Hawaiian culture such as being defined by our blood quantum, the lack of adequate and sufficient homelands, and the need for a quality education system [are the public schools there really worse than other places? You haven't given any evidence to support that, and the average mainlainder won't automatically assume that your schools are on a par with those in inner cities without you being more specific.] for Native Hawaiians to understand the rights that we possess. [again with the vague, undefined "rights"!] As a lawyer, I will ensure that my community will have a voice within the legal system that has also experienced the difficulties of being a Native Hawaiian in Hawaii today. [and what legal job do you imagine will allow you to do this?]

kublaikahn
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Re: Another PS, getting ready to submit apps (Hawaiian Focus)

Postby kublaikahn » Wed Dec 21, 2011 7:11 pm

Even though I was seen as an outsider by virtue of the way I spoke and of my skin complexion,
Maybe you were seen as an outsider because of that massive chip on your shoulder.

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jeremydc
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Re: Another PS, getting ready to submit apps (Hawaiian Focus)

Postby jeremydc » Wed Dec 21, 2011 7:16 pm

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Last edited by jeremydc on Sun Nov 22, 2015 2:24 am, edited 1 time in total.

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jeremydc
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Re: Another PS, getting ready to submit apps (Hawaiian Focus)

Postby jeremydc » Wed Dec 21, 2011 11:21 pm

Will work on it tonight. The suggestions were really helpful!

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fashiongirl
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Re: Another PS, getting ready to submit apps (Hawaiian Focus)

Postby fashiongirl » Thu Dec 22, 2011 12:43 am

I think you should only mention that the school was predominantly white if you were going to benefit or learn something from it. It didn't need to be included otherwise.

Also it sort of jumps all over the place, try to tie it in more to your overall theme or point you are trying to make. Maybe if you tied in martial arts with not giving up at school or how you felt like an outsider affected you. The last paragraph also comes out of nowhere after you talk about martial arts.

Sounds like you have great stories to tell but it would be nice to know more in a story that flows together and communicates an overall theme.

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jeremydc
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Re: Another PS, getting ready to submit apps (Hawaiian Focus)

Postby jeremydc » Sat Dec 24, 2011 10:22 pm

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Last edited by jeremydc on Sun Nov 22, 2015 2:24 am, edited 1 time in total.

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jeremydc
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12/26/11 12:25 pm

Postby jeremydc » Mon Dec 26, 2011 6:25 pm

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Last edited by jeremydc on Sun Nov 22, 2015 2:23 am, edited 1 time in total.

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jeremydc
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Re: Another PS, getting ready to submit apps (Hawaiian Focus)

Postby jeremydc » Tue Dec 27, 2011 11:34 pm

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Last edited by jeremydc on Sun Nov 22, 2015 2:23 am, edited 1 time in total.

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jeremydc
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Re: Another PS, getting ready to submit apps (Hawaiian Focus)

Postby jeremydc » Mon Jan 02, 2012 4:50 pm

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Last edited by jeremydc on Sun Nov 22, 2015 2:23 am, edited 1 time in total.




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