Personal Statement Final Draft - Please Comment

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kdoyon812
Posts: 27
Joined: Sat Dec 17, 2011 8:52 pm

Personal Statement Final Draft - Please Comment

Postby kdoyon812 » Wed Dec 21, 2011 5:19 pm

Growing up in a single parent household, constantly dipping just above or below the poverty line was one of the most difficult aspects of my childhood. At the age of twelve, I had to become a parent figure for my then five year old brother. I got a job when I was fifteen, helping my mom pay for what her income and food stamps could not. It all seemed very unfair at the time, but looking back, my situation growing up helped me become the person that I am today. It taught me about independence, hard work, and has motivated me to succeed.

My childhood forced me to become independent at an early age. I found myself paying for almost everything myself from my first paycheck at the age of fifteen until now; from clothes to a cell phone to a vehicle and finally to a college education. If I wanted it, I had to earn it. At fifteen I was opening my own bank account and filing my own taxes. It was something that I grew accustomed to – an independent lifestyle and working hard for what I wanted – and these experiences have led me to a passion of working with children in similar economic and social circumstances.

I had the opportunity to follow that passion during my junior year at the University of XXXX, through the XXXX program. The project, a European Union - United States consortium between four domestic universities and three foreign universities, all in different countries, is funded through a grant through the Atlantis Program and the U.S. Department of Education. My experience consisted of a semester long study abroad experience in Barcelona, Spain, completing coursework in international social services coupled with an internship at a social service agency. At this agency, XXXX Agency, I had the opportunity to work with immigrant children living in Barcelona who were in poor socioeconomic situations, providing after school support services. They were from Morocco, Pakistan, Indonesia, Bolivia, and Romania, among other countries. What began on the first day with children swearing at me, spitting on me, and punching me as a new intern ended in a tearful goodbye between the group of children and myself. I grew close with them over the time that I spent with them, and I know that my experiences growing up allowed me to relate to them in many ways. Though I was sad to go, I was able to leave knowing that I had a positive impact on their lives and hopefully their futures, and I am proud of that.

Coming back from Spain, I continued to seek new experiences where I could get involved and make an impact in a similar way and became involved in an internship at the State of XXXX Department of Health and Human Services (DHHS) with Child Protective Services. I have been interested in a career in law for several years now, and through this internship I have had the opportunity to see how the law can impact children, both positively and negatively. Through my interactions with Assistant Attorney Generals, judges, and other various legal professionals, this internship has increased my interest in a legal career even more. Through some serious self reflection on both my interest in the legal field and my passion for helping children, I have decided that a career in family law is the right path for me. The hard reality is that I won’t be able to “save the world” or end all child abuse and neglect through such a career, but just as I think I have through the XXXX program and my internship at the Department of Health and Human Services, I want to have an impact.

In order to realize my goal of entering family law, I will first need to obtain a legal education. Growing up in an independent lifestyle and in an economic hardship has taught me the value of independence, time management and hard work, all things which will be invaluable when confronting this hardship. Law school will be just that – a hardship – and I will be confronted by obstacles that are financial, mental, and emotional. Confronting similar obstacles growing up has taught me something very important that I will follow closely when it comes to getting my legal education and planning a successful future: if I want it, I have to earn it, and I intend to do just that.

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hypothalamus
Posts: 745
Joined: Thu Sep 03, 2009 7:11 pm

Re: Personal Statement Final Draft - Please Comment

Postby hypothalamus » Wed Dec 21, 2011 5:38 pm

This is better than your original draft, but still needs a lot of work.

Most importantly, you're giving the reader too much unnecessary detail... No one really cares who funded the project - we all care about your experience and your learnings.

Also, this --Through some serious self reflection on both my interest in the legal field and my passion for helping children, I have decided that a career in family law is the right path for me. -- might be the point you're trying to convey, but saying you did "some serious self-reflection" makes me think you actually didn't spend any time thinking about it. I don't see your thought process/evolution. This is not to say you absolutely must talk about the evolution of those goals, but if you can't explain or show it better, then you probably shouldn't be mentioning it.

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: Personal Statement Final Draft - Please Comment

Postby kublaikahn » Wed Dec 21, 2011 5:42 pm

kdoyon812 wrote:Growing up in a single parent household, constantly dipping just above or below the poverty line was one of the most difficult aspects of my childhood. At the age of twelve, I had to become a parent figure for my then five year old brother. I got a job when I was fifteen, helping my mom pay for what her income and food stamps could not. It all seemed very unfair at the time, but looking back, my situation growing up helped me become the person that I am today. It taught me about independence, hard work, and has motivated me to succeed.

My childhood dysfuntional family life forced me to become independent at an early age play an adult role when I was still a child. At 15, I found myself paying for almost everything myself and taking care of my kindergarten brother. from my first paycheck at the age of fifteen until now; from clothes to a cell phone to a vehicle and finally to a college education. If I wanted it, I had to earn it. At fifteen I was opening my own bank account and filing my own taxes. It all seemed very unfair at the time, but looking back, my situation growing up helped me become the person that I am today. It taught me about independence, hard work, and has motivated me to succeed. It was something that I grew accustomed to – an independent lifestyle and working hard for what I wanted – and these experiences have led me to a passion of working with children in similar economic and social circumstances.

By my junior year in college, I had created the opportunity to study overseas and I had the opportunity to follow that passion during my junior year at the University of XXXX, through the XXXX program. The project, a European Union - United States consortium between four domestic universities and three foreign universities, all in different countries, is funded through a grant through the Atlantis Program and the U.S. Department of Education. My experience consisted of a semester long study abroad experience in Barcelona, Spain, completing coursework in international social services coupled with an internship at a social service agency. At this agency, XXXX Agency, I had the opportunity to work with poor immigrant children living in Barcelona who were in poor socioeconomic situations, providing after school support services. They were who had recently arrived in Spain from Morocco, Pakistan, Indonesia, Bolivia, and Romania, among other countries. [Put the story back in here and relate it back to raising your bro] What began on the first day with children swearing at me, spitting on me, and punching me as a new intern ended in a tearful goodbye between the group of children and myself. I grew close with them over the time that I spent with them, and I know that my experiences growing up allowed me to relate to them in many ways. Though I was sad to go, I was able to leave knowing that I had a positive impact on their lives and hopefully their futures, and I am proud of that.

Coming back from Spain, I continued to seek new experiences where I could get involved and make an impact in a similar way and became involved in an internship at the State of XXXX Department of Health and Human Services (DHHS) with Child Protective Services. I have been interested in a career in law for several years now, and through this internship I have had the opportunity to see how the law can impact children, both positively and negatively. Through my interactions with Assistant Attorney Generals, judges, and other various legal professionals, this internship has increased my interest in a legal career even more. Through some serious self reflection on both my interest in the legal field and my passion for helping children, I have decided that a career in family law is the right path for me. The hard reality is that I won’t be able to “save the world” or end all child abuse and neglect through such a career, but just as I think I have through the XXXX program and my internship at the Department of Health and Human Services, I want to have an impact.[this paragraph is fluff. If you want to write about the internship without it coming across as a simple resume regurgitation, you need a compelling story that fits to your thesis.]

In order to realize my goal of entering family law, I will first need to obtain a legal education. [duh] Growing up in an independent lifestyle [sounds like a player with a sleek sports car] and in an economic hardship has taught me the value of independence, time management and hard work, all things which will be invaluable when confronting this hardship. Law school will be just that – a hardship [I wouldn't say this, Debbie Downer]– and I will be confronted by obstacles that are financial, mental, and emotional. Confronting similar obstacles growing up has taught me something very important that I will follow closely when it comes to getting my legal education and planning a successful future: if I want it, I have to earn it, and I intend to do just that. [why do you feel the need to carry adversity with you through life? Rewrite this ending.]

JasonR
Posts: 421
Joined: Fri Jan 01, 2010 9:09 am

Re: Personal Statement Final Draft - Please Comment

Postby JasonR » Wed Dec 21, 2011 6:46 pm

(Long) PM sent.




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