Two rough, unfinished drafts...thoughts?

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Joined: Fri Dec 02, 2011 4:28 am

Two rough, unfinished drafts...thoughts?

Postby Legnalos » Sun Dec 18, 2011 6:32 pm

I have two unfinished versions...any thoughts? I'm late to the game, but I was wondering if I could get anything at all out of these :/

Version 1:

A curious thing happened when I was 11. Until then, the only access I had to the English language was through television and Disney movies. One day, while doing a quick stop at a store on my way to a psychiatrist appointment, I picked up the ever clichéd book, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. I was sucked in and could not stop reading. There was no stopping. I finished it in a day. The rest of my life has been influenced by the same drive to finish that I had when I read that book.

My high school was part of the A.C.E. (Accelerated Christian Education) program, one of the few of its kind in Puerto Rico. I can only describe the experience as one that made me want to get out of there as quickly as possible. Their intentions meant well, but, being diagnosed with clinical depression since age 8, they went unnoticed. I kept myself awake, so to speak, by reading. Few things were as interesting as books to me. I devoured books of every kind, from fantasy to autobiographies to my favorite, horror. Our curriculum was focused on self-control, as you had to do much reading and pace yourself if you wanted to do the work correctly. My interest in reading paid off, and I was able to skip a grade, graduating at age 17.

My first years of college were difficult for me to handle. I was fresh out of high school and knew nothing about which major to choose. After many mistrials, I settled on English. My companion book for those years was a true crime book detailing the trial of Charles Manson, Vincent Bugliosi’s Helter Skelter. That was the book that led me to add a minor concentration in pre-law studies. The combination of both subjects had me in libraries, doing research on various subjects that tickled my mind and pulled me further into the world of law.


Version 2:

As of this moment, there are more than a thousand murder victims in Puerto Rico, the latest being two double murders just last night. This is a normal thing in my very small island, and normally it wouldn’t faze me as I have sadly become desensitized to it. Last May, however, that all changed when one of those murdered was a close family friend.

When I was younger, I thought murder victims had it coming. My peers and friends would always say that the person was involved in drugs or did something bad or simply deserved it for one reason or another. I remember watching a funeral procession from my high school’s hallway. It was for a fifteen year old boy who had been shot in cold blood as a way to show his brother that they meant business. I remember thinking how horrible that was and that it was insane how people could get away with it, asking myself how a country so small could hold so much tragedy. What if that boy had something to do, what If he had set goals in life? Maybe he wanted to be a doctor or even a lawyer like I wanted to be.

When it happened to someone I had known personally, someone who had already passed his goals in life and was enjoying the benefits of his hard work, it shook me. It made me question everything I had read. Being an English major with a minor concentration in pre-law studies, I spent the majority of my time in a library doing research on various topics. After he was killed, I started wondering why and how people could get away with murdering in cold blood and not being punished for it. Puerto Rico is not known for its legal force..


Honestly, it's been very hard for me to put into feelings what I've been wanting to do since forever D: Any advice and critiques would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Posts: 25
Joined: Sat Nov 26, 2011 3:52 am

Re: Two rough, unfinished drafts...thoughts?

Postby geauxsaints » Sun Dec 18, 2011 7:23 pm

Scrap the first topic. Reading Harry Potter is not going to impress law schools.

The second topic is better. Elaborate more on the events surrounding the death of your family friend and the legal processes that their family went through. Discuss how watching the legal process in Puerto Rico surrounding that event influenced your desire to study law. I would avoid using the generalized statistics regarding homicide and crime in Puerto Rico and only stick to specific events. I would also avoid dating the personal statement by saying "as of last night". Also, NO ELLIPSES.

You sound like you have had some interesting experiences and you may even elaborate further on being only 17 in college. Good luck and this is just my personal opinion!

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Joined: Fri Dec 02, 2011 4:28 am

Re: Two rough, unfinished drafts...thoughts?

Postby Legnalos » Sun Dec 18, 2011 7:59 pm

Thank you for your advice :) Also don't worry, the ellipses are there simply because it's not finished yet :D

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