Please edit my personal statement :]

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enguyen95128
Posts: 2
Joined: Sat Sep 17, 2011 10:37 pm

Please edit my personal statement :]

Postby enguyen95128 » Sat Dec 17, 2011 10:32 pm

Hello Everyone,

I was wondering if some of you had some time to look over my personal statement? Thanks in advance and I can't wait to hear your comments! :D


Ernest Hemingway once said, “I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I’m awake, you know?” It appears as though Hemingway found me passed out at a bus stop one night after a series of unmentionable and indecent acts. Barely legal to purchase a pack of cigarettes and lotto tickets, let alone a bottle of whiskey, I had made the unforgettable decision of attending a night out into the town with an older crowd from work to help me forget the pains of an adolescent heartbreak. Awake and sober, I had every lesson learned from school, work ethic captured from years of labor since the age of twelve, and a moral compass developed and nurtured from childhood ingested and regurgitated with every swig of alcohol.

Up until that moment, I had most of my life perfectly blueprinted with a detailed agenda of steps to take up until my admission into law school: what classes must be taken each semester, what GPA must be attained and maintained, and when the next few LSAT tests would present themselves for me to take. How proud I was to bring this meager masterpiece to show my counselors at XXXXXXXXXXX. Here I was, a student highly capable of accomplishing the goal of getting into the law school of choice with decent grades, and all the while being able to be my own financial support with a job that consumed thirty hours from me each week. And so my life was on a steady incline until the unexpected moment when my high school sweetheart dropped the nucleus break up bomb. And then I woke up. Principles were meandered and rendered irrelevant, LSAT test dates forgotten, and grades suffered. It was not until I fell asleep in a drunken slumber, and stranded at a random bus stop that my life began to come together. Lucky as I was to be thwarted of ill-willed individuals ready to take advantage of my stuporous state, I count myself as being even more so fortunate in realizing what rock bottom meant, and what not getting out of it could mean.

Although not as dramatic as other rock bottom tales out there, my brief encounter with an uncommon sleeping spot; clouded in judgment, paralyzed in movement, and with an immeasurable crave for sleep, I realized from here it could get no worse, and there In lay the positivity. Though this may have been a situation looked upon as pathetic by most bystanders, to me it meant everything. In hindsight, it was as significant as any event as it lead me to wrecking havoc during every waking moment, and left me picking up the fragments thereafter - I became constantly aware of what needed to be done, and what goals needed to be reached.

It’s my summation that ‘blueprints’ are not conclusive, and one can’t ever definitely dictate one’s life path as obstacles of any sort are bound to take place. This experience has given me a chance to identify the importance of remaining steadfast on any goal or task, and resilient in the face of any challenge. And most importantly, I learned that emotions should never make me lose sight of what I need to accomplish. My newfound determination in salvaging my future by restoring what I had lost sight of, as well as discovering the rewarding factors of improvising and thinking on my feet rather than following an agenda, further contributed to my confidence that law school is, and has always been, a concrete goal.
Last edited by enguyen95128 on Mon Mar 09, 2015 3:01 am, edited 1 time in total.

geauxsaints
Posts: 25
Joined: Sat Nov 26, 2011 3:52 am

Re: Please edit my personal statement :]

Postby geauxsaints » Sat Dec 17, 2011 10:43 pm

My advice is to scrap this personal statement. From all of the PS research I have done, everyone warns against beginning with a quote, especially one that is seemingly irrelevant. All I get from this PS is that you endured the stereotypical "hardship" of your high school girlfriend breaking up with you and then lost your mind and got really drunk... also "unmentionable and indecent acts" conjures up horrific possibilities. The type of night you described, while it may have been life-changing, is the type of night you file into your memory banks, not put into writing for law school admission. The overall statement tells the adcomm nothing about you except that after one roadbump you went off the deep end, which I imagine that law school will be filled with roadbumps.

I am not trying to sound too critical, but I would totally scrap this idea. You write very well and have a solid style, but you need find a topic that is less self-depreciating and more positive. Remember, this is what you would tell the adcomm if you had an opportunity for an interview. This is just my personal opinion and good luck!

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hypothalamus
Posts: 745
Joined: Thu Sep 03, 2009 7:11 pm

Re: Please edit my personal statement :]

Postby hypothalamus » Sun Dec 18, 2011 2:02 pm

You write well. But NO to this personal statement. Focus your writing abilities on something more positive and less trivial, not on a Rum Diaries kind of scenario :)

JasonR
Posts: 421
Joined: Fri Jan 01, 2010 9:09 am

Re: Please edit my personal statement :]

Postby JasonR » Mon Dec 19, 2011 3:41 am

Blow it up and start over. Exactly how much damage did you do to your GPA after coming unhinged over this breakup? Is there any reason that you need to be mentioning this episode at all? Can you not think of some episode that doesn't reflect your poor judgment and emotional fragility?

Your writing has potential, but too many of your constructions are overcomplicated and awkward, and some of your usage is just wrong. Nice vocab impresses no one when it's used incorrectly. Spend much more time refining what you write. Consider the meaning of each statement and if what you're saying actually makes sense. Do you really believe that "it could get no worse" than what you experienced? What if someone had beaten you into a coma? What if you had descended down a path of substance abuse that ended in chronic homelessness and mental illness? You were just a college student on a bender. There was certainly room for things to get worse.

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luxxe
Posts: 830
Joined: Sat Jul 11, 2009 11:12 am

Re: Please edit my personal statement :]

Postby luxxe » Mon Dec 19, 2011 3:53 am

Echoing what everyone else has said: no. You are applying to law school - do not talk about your underage drinking and smoking/gambling. These should be glaringly obvious topics to avoid.

enguyen95128 wrote: I realized from here it could get no worse

This captures how this PS makes you seem: immature, emotionally unstable, and codependent. Your high school bf/gf breaking up with you is not an excuse for a GPA drop, and a breakup is not a rock bottom.




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