Personal Statement draft (Deleted)

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
postn0bills
Posts: 160
Joined: Wed Oct 13, 2010 4:09 pm

Personal Statement draft (Deleted)

Postby postn0bills » Sat Dec 17, 2011 6:46 pm

Deleted for editing! Thanks.
Last edited by postn0bills on Sat Dec 17, 2011 11:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.

postn0bills
Posts: 160
Joined: Wed Oct 13, 2010 4:09 pm

Re: Personal Statement draft

Postby postn0bills » Sat Dec 17, 2011 8:23 pm

Anyone? :(

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: Personal Statement draft

Postby kublaikahn » Sat Dec 17, 2011 10:38 pm

Interesting. I would love to play around with this piece.

To me, the theme should go bigger and be about women in society. I would say that women in your traditional culture carry a tremendous burden to maintain the values and morality of your tradition. They are thought of as the foundation of society. My father tried to prepare me for that role with oppression and beatings. But I wish to carry that burden in a different way, by showing my father and others that think like him, that women can be both the foundation and the pinnacle of society. That they can be more than a base for men to use, but can be the innovators, the thinkers, and the doers.

geauxsaints
Posts: 25
Joined: Sat Nov 26, 2011 3:52 am

Re: Personal Statement draft

Postby geauxsaints » Sat Dec 17, 2011 10:49 pm

kublaikahn wrote:Interesting. I would love to play around with this piece.

To me, the theme should go bigger and be about women in society. I would say that women in your traditional culture carry a tremendous burden to maintain the values and morality of your tradition. They are thought of as the foundation of society. My father tried to prepare me for that role with oppression and beatings. But I wish to carry that burden in a different way, by showing my father and others that think like him, that women can be both the foundation and the pinnacle of society. That they can be more than a base for men to use, but can be the innovators, the thinkers, and the doers.


+1

I really like this topic and your statement. I think that some of the structure may need some work and would think about removing "extremist" and replace it with tyrannical or something of that nature, but that word carries many stigmas. Also, I would re-word or remove the statement about being a "soldier in the war against injustice", it sounds kind of cliche but also carries a militant stigma. Other than that, you have a great concept and I agree with the above poster to expand more on the role of women in society and how you overcame the hardships you endured at the hands of your father.

Really great story though and you seem like a well-rounded, motivated person!

postn0bills
Posts: 160
Joined: Wed Oct 13, 2010 4:09 pm

Re: Personal Statement draft

Postby postn0bills » Sat Dec 17, 2011 11:26 pm

Thank you both so much for the insightful suggestions, I think I will expand on that as a theme a bit more and change some of the wording. I didn't like "soldier" or "extremist" either. I need to be careful about the connotations some of the words carry, thank you for bringing it to my attention.




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