Student w/Disability PS NEED HELP!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
superman89
Posts: 6
Joined: Fri Dec 16, 2011 11:41 pm

Student w/Disability PS NEED HELP!

Postby superman89 » Sat Dec 17, 2011 12:15 am

Will post revised statement tomorrow hopefully when i finish it. Thank you to everyone who took time out to help me.
Last edited by superman89 on Sun Dec 18, 2011 2:07 am, edited 1 time in total.

stilles
Posts: 93
Joined: Sun Nov 28, 2010 12:15 am

Re: Student w/Disability PS NEED HELP!

Postby stilles » Sat Dec 17, 2011 1:06 am

Wow -- a very touching, heartfelt, and inspirational personal statement. I actually WANTED to read every line because of the content and your crisp writing style. Well done and I hope you get into your number one choice :)

superman89
Posts: 6
Joined: Fri Dec 16, 2011 11:41 pm

Re: Student w/Disability PS NEED HELP!

Postby superman89 » Sat Dec 17, 2011 1:23 am

^Thank you very much. I keep re-reading it and finding typos/grammar issues...or things i feel should be changed slightly. I figure since my GPA/LSAT isnt impressive, and since i have complete control over my PS, i need to perfect it. Please let me know if you think there are any issues with it. Thank you.

agalang
Posts: 44
Joined: Wed Jun 29, 2011 8:51 pm

Re: Student w/Disability PS NEED HELP!

Postby agalang » Sat Dec 17, 2011 1:25 am

I'm sorry but...while I liked your writing style, I am left wondering, "Soooo....what exactly IS your disability?" It seems like you give clues (needing ramps and such) but I just feel like the word 'disability' these days is so ambiguous that you should make sure to state things specifically. Also, I'm confused - so you were disabled before you got hit by a car? And then you became more disabled? Def got lost on that part.

stilles
Posts: 93
Joined: Sun Nov 28, 2010 12:15 am

Re: Student w/Disability PS NEED HELP!

Postby stilles » Sat Dec 17, 2011 1:40 am

superman89 wrote: Furthermore, my interest in understanding the fine qualities of the formal legal framework and its direct determination in the shaping of the social sphere is an area of study I would appreciate the opportunity to study.


1) I would change the quoted sentence; perhaps something more along the lines of 'The law's role in shaping the social sphere further entices me, and I would revel in the opportunity to study it at ______ University.'

2) I agree with agalung in that naming the physical disability (I'm assuming there is a formal name) will give the ps more clarity.

3) I had no problems understanding the chronology of events; You've had a disability since 2006, accident happen, only worsened the disability.

Again, good luck and great job! :)

bracton
Posts: 19
Joined: Mon Dec 05, 2011 3:07 am

Re: Student w/Disability PS NEED HELP!

Postby bracton » Sat Dec 17, 2011 1:55 am

superman89 wrote:Paralyzed more by fear than by the growing pain, I lay there on the side of the road and dug my fingers as far as I could into the cervices of the concrete.


I am terrified by the thought of a concrete cervix. I think you mean "crevices."

You lost me there, I'm afraid, but I think it should stand you in good stead.

superman89
Posts: 6
Joined: Fri Dec 16, 2011 11:41 pm

Re: Student w/Disability PS NEED HELP!

Postby superman89 » Sat Dec 17, 2011 2:25 am

Yes i've definetly made several typos on this draft and will be fixing them with your help. it is much appreciated.

My main concern was whether the personal statement was confusing regarding the chronology of events since it was over the span of several years.

Regarding the 'disability', i thought i could just write an addendum to explain exactly what it is (i've had a stress fracture going down my tibia for many years that has never healed, and have been on and off wheelchairs, on and off crutches, and walking with an aid when i feel well). However personally i feel an addendum is the proper place for such information....what do you guys think???

I also have a one page medical summary from my doctor ...im not sure if its necessary to accompany my application.

stilles
Posts: 93
Joined: Sun Nov 28, 2010 12:15 am

Re: Student w/Disability PS NEED HELP!

Postby stilles » Sat Dec 17, 2011 2:38 am

Hey superman89!

-Sorry that I missed the typo, although I'm happy a fellow TLSer caught it :)

-Like I said before, the chronology of events didn't confuse me, but I am just one person so get more opinions on this. Furthermore, I think an addendum explaining the disability more factually, chronologically, and relatively (how it affected you in being on/off wheelchairs) is appropriate. At the end of the addendum, add in something like 'per request, I can provide medical documentation..'. Adding the doctor's medical summary seems superfluous.

superman89
Posts: 6
Joined: Fri Dec 16, 2011 11:41 pm

Re: Student w/Disability PS NEED HELP!

Postby superman89 » Sat Dec 17, 2011 2:50 am

^Thank you that is a great idea. I do think i need to make the PS itself perhaps a bit more explanatory, maybe i should state in one line exactly what i have...although it is a very technical medical term.

But i am definitely planning on making the addendum perfectly compliment the PS. I just dont want to leave whoever the various readers are at the admissions committee lost or confused, i cannot afford to take that risk and be overly ambiguous.

superman89
Posts: 6
Joined: Fri Dec 16, 2011 11:41 pm

Re: Student w/Disability PS NEED HELP!

Postby superman89 » Sat Dec 17, 2011 3:03 pm

need some more input guys, any help would be much appreciated. I will post an updated version later tonight. Please send me your Personal statements as well, i'd love to help in any way i can.

Cheers.

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: Student w/Disability PS NEED HELP!

Postby kublaikahn » Sat Dec 17, 2011 5:00 pm

Good story and good motivation/passion for pursuing law. Poorly written.

...through using the law as my instrument of choice.


For example, what the heck does that mean? A normal human would say that they want to advocate for the legal rights of the disabled. Your metaphor is verbose and distracting. You cannot advocate through something, you advocate for something. Take it piece by piece and rewrite it cleanly.

You have a great opening, but it confuses the reader the way you flash back to 2006, particularly because you start the piece with the word "Paralyzed". I wan't sure if that was literal to begin with. Plus, if you are digging your fingers into the roadway to escape traffic, you are not even paralyzed by fear. You are moving your ass out of traffic.

superman89
Posts: 6
Joined: Fri Dec 16, 2011 11:41 pm

Re: Student w/Disability PS NEED HELP!

Postby superman89 » Sat Dec 17, 2011 5:22 pm

^ i appreciate your honesty, and i myself agree about the 'flashback'...i've been working at that and simplifying my sentences today and will post an updated version soon as i am done.

Any ideas on how i should go about with the 'flashback'?? i was thinking of making that my introduction paragraph, and lead on from there about the car accident.....but i fear that might not be the best option




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