Personal Statement Critique

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
blackhawks19
Posts: 2
Joined: Wed Dec 14, 2011 2:11 am

Personal Statement Critique

Postby blackhawks19 » Wed Dec 14, 2011 2:17 am

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Last edited by blackhawks19 on Thu Apr 05, 2012 1:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.

blackhawks19
Posts: 2
Joined: Wed Dec 14, 2011 2:11 am

Re: Personal Statement Critique

Postby blackhawks19 » Wed Dec 14, 2011 4:47 pm

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Last edited by blackhawks19 on Thu Apr 05, 2012 1:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Davidbentley
Posts: 418
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Re: Personal Statement Critique

Postby Davidbentley » Wed Dec 14, 2011 5:31 pm

Not sure if Flame... but what the hell.
blackhawks19 wrote:
I have always known that I would lead an extraordinary life that would impact many. This knowledge did not come easily, and at times, has proven to be both advantageous and challenging throughout my journey.

You have always known it. Therefore it never came. If you mean that having said knowledge was not always helpful, then you need to clarify. Either way it's a fatuous statement that makes you sound like a cunt. I would remove it.

My first major life lesson came at a very early age, where in one day I went from being a happy, carefree 6-year-old, horseback riding through our canyons trails, to being strapped into a life-flight helicopter whisked away to Children’s Hospital. I was diagnosed with a massive brain tumor that occupied 20% of the space in my head where brain had never developed. The unexpected diagnosis began a several year trek that included multiple long-term hospital stays, CAT Scans, MRIs, PIC-Lines, and ultimately, a radical open craniotomy. The greatest lesson gleaned from this experience was that in life, there are roadblocks. When I approach these obstacles, I have a choice, to crumble beneath my circumstances, or create my own destiny, in spite of those circumstances. I could go through hardship kicking and screaming and gritting my teeth, or enter into challenges with an open heart, always looking for the opportunity to learn something new and grow from the encounter.

Meh.... It is not necessarily terrible but it comes off rather detached and fails to make me invest in your struggle. This may be because I still think you're a giant douche from the first sentence. The second half is cliche and not mind-blowing.

My law training began before I even knew the profession existed. I was raised by a strong, loving, single mother who lacks the gene of dreamers, but possesses more than her share of practical realism. She has always encouraged me to be my own person and live a fulfilling life that honors God, shows compassion to those in need, and most importantly, begins with a strategic plan. Never one to tolerate whining, I was regularly directed to go to my room and formulate a coherent argument to support whatever my petition was at the moment. Once I could articulate solid support for my position, we would sit down to commence negotiations. I realize now that the negotiations that ensued were weighted heavily in her favor, and that the points she conceded to me were largely inconsequential, but the end result was that I learned how to stand up for myself and use my intellect to further my objective. These interactions shaped who I am, established how I view myself, and helped me determine where I want my life to go.

Your writing does not flow. It is stilted and difficult to read. The line in bold is a classic mistake. I am assuming your mother was the one who never tolerated whining, yet your sentence suggests otherwise. All kids argue with their parents.

I cannot remember a time ever feeling average. At four years old, I set my heart on learning how to read. I spent every morning in pursuit of this goal, until, several months later, it was my reality. That was the true beginning of my love affair with academia that has never waned to this day. Clearly a pattern has emerged in my life. I started Kindergarten at 4 years old and skipped second grade at the insistence of my teachers. I was the youngest ever to have an invitation extended to me by the Jr. National Young Leaders Conference in Washington, D.C. I graduated high school and moved 2000 miles away from home to begin college at 16 years old. I then immediately petitioned my University to allow me to complete my 4-year program in 3 years, which is why I am graduating college and will begin law school at 19 years old.

Really? You're including that? Okay. Reading at four is not impressive. My 1st grade teacher called me a "Gifted math student." Should I have asked her for a LOR? My brother was in kindergarten at three -- he's still a fucking moron. The only other person I know who claims to have gone to those young leadership conferences was a classmate who also claimed to have graduate degrees from Yale and Harvard. She claimed this in my College algebra class at a community college. She also smelled funny.

When you stack all of my achievements on top of each other, it can appear that I have blazed through life as though it was some frantic race. However, the reality is that I have always been able to visualize the next step in my destiny and I have simply continued taking the next logical step forward. Just like everything else in my life, I know what I need to do in order to achieve all the career success that I have planned. Graduating from XXX Law School will fully equip me to secure a competitive federal judicial clerkship, which will then propel me into the exciting world of appellate advocacy law and eventually land me a federal judicial nomination.
All of my goals are born out of thoughtful conviction and sincere passion. Lest you think this is another cliché “I cannot tolerate injustice, and I simply must help mankind,” essay, allow me to clarify. Our nation is at a critical point in history, and I will be among the great, young legal minds that secure her future and preserve the prominence of the American justice system. This I know: I will have a dynamic and successful law career if I marry my talents, passion, and determination with the unparalleled educational opportunities and constitutional law program offered by XXX Law School.

What achievements? Skipping Second Grade? Is the 'exciting world' line a joke? Why would anyone think you gave a shit about injustice or helping others? With the exception of the first line, you have not mentioned doing either, nor have you demonstrated an inclination to do so. Our nation is at a critical point in history..... Please describe for me the last uncritical point in our history.


I'm going to add in a paragraph or two related to the specific law school depending on where I'm sending it, but other than that... grammatical issues, things I should take out or add... any advice is appreciated.



If this is a flame, then it is moderately successful.
If this is a serious statement, then I can see why all of the focus nowadays is on work experience and post-undergrad life experience. You sound like an incredibly insipid, vacuous, and vapid tool. If you are going to write an essay extolling your virtues as a prodigy, at least list some actual fucking achievements. If you are going to brag about your literacy, at least write well. And, if you are going to do a personal statement where you basically just talk about how awesome you are, then just do that. Your entire statement should be " Hello xxx, I am awesome. Please include your scholarship and stipend details in your acceptance package." At least if you did that you would be memorable.

Damn.

bobbyh1919
Posts: 560
Joined: Fri Nov 11, 2011 9:40 pm

Re: Personal Statement Critique

Postby bobbyh1919 » Wed Dec 14, 2011 6:39 pm

Yeah, not sure what to make of this exactly, but the overall theme is way too tilted toward "I am a prodigy who is going to fix the universe as long as you let me into your school."

I do like the first two paragraphs. You have overcome obstacles, seem to have a good attitude, and have a nice story about acting like a lawyer at a young age. This was fine in my book.

At paragraph 3 the whole paper takes a turn for the worst unfortunately. This stuff about you committing your 4 year old self to learning to read, however, is just over the top, whether or not it's true. Same goes for skipping the second grade. You kind of appear humble for a second, but then go into this whole spiel about becoming a federal judge and preserving America. Yeesh.

This PS will not put you over the top at any school, and will more than likely earn you a handful of rejections if you're borderline numbers-wise.

thederangedwang
Posts: 1124
Joined: Tue Jul 12, 2011 9:44 pm

Re: Personal Statement Critique

Postby thederangedwang » Wed Dec 14, 2011 8:50 pm

If this is for real, you are a douchebag

Scuppers
Posts: 78
Joined: Mon Dec 05, 2011 4:29 am

Re: Personal Statement Critique

Postby Scuppers » Wed Dec 14, 2011 8:59 pm

Davidbentley wrote:Not sure if Flame... but what the hell.


If this is a flame, then it is moderately successful.
If this is a serious statement, then I can see why all of the focus nowadays is on work experience and post-undergrad life experience. You sound like an incredibly insipid, vacuous, and vapid tool. If you are going to write an essay extolling your virtues as a prodigy, at least list some actual fucking achievements. If you are going to brag about your literacy, at least write well. And, if you are going to do a personal statement where you basically just talk about how awesome you are, then just do that. Your entire statement should be " Hello xxx, I am awesome. Please include your scholarship and stipend details in your acceptance package." At least if you did that you would be memorable.

Damn.


David is raw. David is primal. David is right. Making a note of your name so that I may PM you my PS when it is time to roast my own PS.

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T00L
Posts: 600
Joined: Fri Oct 28, 2011 3:35 pm

Re: Personal Statement Critique

Postby T00L » Wed Dec 14, 2011 9:04 pm

I'd hate to do this, but the gods may actually require me to give you my avatar/SN.

On a more serious note, can I please come live near you and be your Groom of the Stool?

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: Personal Statement Critique

Postby kublaikahn » Wed Dec 14, 2011 9:37 pm

Hopefully you can get into a really good law school so you can remember a time feeling average.

JasonR
Posts: 421
Joined: Fri Jan 01, 2010 9:09 am

Re: Personal Statement Critique

Postby JasonR » Sun Dec 18, 2011 6:20 am

blackhawks19 wrote:Hey guys, can anyone read my PS and give me thoughts?

I have always known that I would lead an extraordinary life that would impact many. This knowledge did not come easily, and at times, has proven to be both advantageous and challenging throughout my journey.

My first major life lesson came at a very early age, where in one day I went from being a happy, carefree 6-year-old, horseback riding through our canyons trails, to being strapped into a life-flight helicopter whisked away to Children’s Hospital. I was diagnosed with a massive brain tumor that occupied 20% of the space in my head where brain had never developed. The unexpected diagnosis began a several year trek that included multiple long-term hospital stays, CAT Scans, MRIs, PIC-Lines, and ultimately, a radical open craniotomy. The greatest lesson gleaned from this experience was that in life, there are roadblocks. When I approach these obstacles, I have a choice, to crumble beneath my circumstances, or create my own destiny, in spite of those circumstances. I could go through hardship kicking and screaming and gritting my teeth, or enter into challenges with an open heart, always looking for the opportunity to learn something new and grow from the encounter.

My law training began before I even knew the profession existed. I was raised by a strong, loving, single mother who lacks the gene of dreamers, but possesses more than her share of practical realism. She has always encouraged me to be my own person and live a fulfilling life that honors God, shows compassion to those in need, and most importantly, begins with a strategic plan. Never one to tolerate whining, I was regularly directed to go to my room and formulate a coherent argument to support whatever my petition was at the moment. Once I could articulate solid support for my position, we would sit down to commence negotiations. I realize now that the negotiations that ensued were weighted heavily in her favor, and that the points she conceded to me were largely inconsequential, but the end result was that I learned how to stand up for myself and use my intellect to further my objective. These interactions shaped who I am, established how I view myself, and helped me determine where I want my life to go.

I cannot remember a time ever feeling average. At four years old, I set my heart on learning how to read. I spent every morning in pursuit of this goal, until, several months later, it was my reality. That was the true beginning of my love affair with academia that has never waned to this day. Clearly a pattern has emerged in my life. I started Kindergarten at 4 years old and skipped second grade at the insistence of my teachers. I was the youngest ever to have an invitation extended to me by the Jr. National Young Leaders Conference in Washington, D.C. I graduated high school and moved 2000 miles away from home to begin college at 16 years old. I then immediately petitioned my University to allow me to complete my 4-year program in 3 years, which is why I am graduating college and will begin law school at 19 years old.

When you stack all of my achievements on top of each other, it can appear that I have blazed through life as though it was some frantic race. However, the reality is that I have always been able to visualize the next step in my destiny and I have simply continued taking the next logical step forward. Just like everything else in my life, I know what I need to do in order to achieve all the career success that I have planned. Graduating from XXX Law School will fully equip me to secure a competitive federal judicial clerkship, which will then propel me into the exciting world of appellate advocacy law and eventually land me a federal judicial nomination.
All of my goals are born out of thoughtful conviction and sincere passion. Lest you think this is another cliché “I cannot tolerate injustice, and I simply must help mankind,” essay, allow me to clarify. Our nation is at a critical point in history, and I will be among the great, young legal minds that secure her future and preserve the prominence of the American justice system. This I know: I will have a dynamic and successful law career if I marry my talents, passion, and determination with the unparalleled educational opportunities and constitutional law program offered by XXX Law School.



I'm going to add in a paragraph or two related to the specific law school depending on where I'm sending it, but other than that... grammatical issues, things I should take out or add... any advice is appreciated.


Please send this exactly as is. It's fucking incredible. Don't change a thing.

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Supremo Skelator
Posts: 15
Joined: Sun Dec 18, 2011 8:35 am

Re: Personal Statement Critique

Postby Supremo Skelator » Sun Dec 18, 2011 8:37 am

Get a job.

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kwais
Posts: 1683
Joined: Tue May 11, 2010 12:28 pm

Re: Personal Statement Critique

Postby kwais » Sun Dec 18, 2011 8:58 am

The average 1L is 24 and it's not because they want 19 year olds and can't find them. Go live your life until you can write a PS about life and stuff

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Personal Statement Critique

Postby CanadianWolf » Sun Dec 18, 2011 9:13 am

OP: Why did you delay learning to read until age 4 ?

imjustjoking22
Posts: 461
Joined: Fri Jun 10, 2011 9:46 am

Re: Personal Statement Critique

Postby imjustjoking22 » Tue Dec 20, 2011 3:33 pm

CanadianWolf wrote:OP: Why did you delay learning to read until age 4 ?


^. So very TTTT. I'm dyslexic and even I was reading by 4. Slacker.

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JDizzle2015
Posts: 638
Joined: Fri Dec 02, 2011 12:16 pm

Re: Personal Statement Critique

Postby JDizzle2015 » Tue Dec 20, 2011 4:27 pm

Supremo Skelator wrote:Get a job.

Quality first post.

lsatisevil
Posts: 35
Joined: Fri Jul 29, 2011 4:20 am

Re: Personal Statement Critique

Postby lsatisevil » Tue Dec 20, 2011 4:31 pm

Ignoring how ridiculous this PS is, your writing is terrible and boring.

imjustjoking22
Posts: 461
Joined: Fri Jun 10, 2011 9:46 am

Re: Personal Statement Critique

Postby imjustjoking22 » Tue Dec 20, 2011 4:34 pm

blackhawks19 wrote:Our nation is at a critical point in history, and I will be among the great, young legal minds that secure her future and preserve the prominence of the American justice system. This I know: I will have a dynamic and successful law career if I marry my talents, passion, and determination with the unparalleled educational opportunities and constitutional law program offered by XXX Law School.


Also, I would like to take this moment to lol heartily at the above.




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