Can I get all of your critique/ opinion pls?

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gilkile
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Can I get all of your critique/ opinion pls?

Postby gilkile » Wed Dec 14, 2011 12:46 am

Before you even read:
Pls. don't recommend I start Over with a new topic, as this is what I chose to write about. However; I would love to hear recommendations on all aspects of improving this PS. All help is greatly appreciated! Thanks!


As a young teen, I was a strong-minded, defiant kid, who lacked a sense of respect for authority, the law, or any set of guidelines. I couldn’t control my inclination toward impulsivity. Thus, I was at the top of the class academically, but near the bottom behaviorally. I caused my parents and teachers much heartache and anguish. I wasn’t at all happy with my behavior, I desperately wanted to change my tendencies and act in a more respectable manner, but for many years I struggled mightily with these tendencies.
One of the most impulsive decisions I ever made, was to begin smoking cigarettes when I was just twelve years old. I got addicted to smoking shortly thereafter, and smoked between two and two and a half packs a day. You can’t even begin to imagine how much damage this habit caused me. A lot of the trouble I got into was a direct result of my addiction. For instance; There were times while I was in school that I was unable to smoke for a couple of hours, I would go crazy, craving that cigarette, and even the slightest amount of stress would set me off. I was incapable of having any meaningful conversation without engaging in smoking. Needless to say, that didn’t go over very well, when it came to my parents and I having a routine chat. In addition to these psychological struggles, smoking was adversely affecting my physical health as well. I had developed a severe case of chronic bronchitis. Smoking had taken over my life and I couldn’t stand it. Despite all the good incentives I had to quit smoking, I wasn’t having much success doing so. After numerous failed attempts I began to lose confidence in my ability to accomplish any of my goals, let alone quit smoking. My thought process was, “If I couldn’t quit smoking, a goal I wanted to achieve badly and one that I stood to gain a lot from, how I would be able to accomplish any of my other goals in life?” In December 2008 just before my 18th birthday, I got sick with the flu. The flu symptoms coupled with my regular bronchitis symptoms made for a severe combination. I spent a full week on bed rest. I spent the many hours of that long and painful December week in bed, thinking about both my immediate and long term future, as well as my smoking addiction. I came to the realization that if there was ever going to be a time that I would finally quit, now would be the best, because I had a week’s head start. I reaffirmed to myself better than ever that the pros outweighed the cons and I made the commitment. I have been smoke- free for three full years now. Why was I more successful quitting on that day as opposed to during previous attempts? For one reason; on that day I made up my mind that I was absolutely done with smoking, a decision I made with absolute certainty. This level of commitment was lacking in previous attempts. It was only with steadfast commitment and dedication, that I was able beat my addiction.
I had always viewed smoking as an impulsive behavior. When a smoker lights up a cigarette, he makes an impulsive (addiction aided) decision to choose momentary pleasure at the expense of his long term health. My decision to quit smoking was really a much greater decision, it was the decision to change the way I made my decisions, to go from being an impulsive decision maker to a premeditative one. Quitting smoking was that “Big First Step in the Right Direction” so to speak. I slowly but surely went on to eliminate all of my impulsive habits, using the same method I used successfully to quit smoking; logic, commitment, and dedication.
Today, I am a completely different person than I was back then, However; I’ll never forget the tremendous feelings of accomplishment and self confidence that I experienced, as a result of my achieving my goal of quitting smoking. Those feelings helped fuel an enormous amount of personal growth on my part. In addition to those feelings, the model of hard work, commitment, and dedication that I first started in my quest to conquer my nicotine addiction, has personified me. I now feel fully-equipped, as I embark on the journey to becoming a successful lawyer.
Last edited by gilkile on Wed Dec 14, 2011 1:22 am, edited 1 time in total.

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cinephile
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Re: Can I all of your critique/ opinion pls?

Postby cinephile » Wed Dec 14, 2011 12:49 am

There's way too much narrative about smoking and what it was like. Not enough about overcoming it, feeling like you can overcome anything now. The point isn't just telling a story for the sake of telling a story, it's to sell yourself. Also, probably should remove the phrase "you can't even imagine . . . "

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PopTorts13
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Re: Can I all of your critique/ opinion pls?

Postby PopTorts13 » Wed Dec 14, 2011 1:00 am

A relatively far-fetched idea with too much "fluff" and dramatization over something as common as... quitting smoking. Elaborate more on the traits that make you a great applicant in a concrete/conservative way. The concept seems too much like "poor ole me and my prepubescent struggles with nicotine, but look at me now!" I can see the nuggets of mature statement within your writing though. Expound upon the fact that you are going to add something to the school in a unique way and that you are prepared to take on the academic rigors of law school. Best of luck!

gilkile
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Re: Can I all of your critique/ opinion pls?

Postby gilkile » Wed Dec 14, 2011 1:11 am

cinephile wrote:There's way too much narrative about smoking and what it was like. Not enough about overcoming it, feeling like you can overcome anything now. The point isn't just telling a story for the sake of telling a story, it's to sell yourself. Also, probably should remove the phrase "you can't even imagine . . . "


Thanks, I agree but there is not much more too describe about how I overcame it. Should I go into more of the "inner stuggles"? for what purpose? Or are u just recommending I make my essay more focused on the conclusion, of how i feel it has changed me....

gilkile
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Joined: Sun Nov 20, 2011 6:06 pm

Re: Can I all of your critique/ opinion pls?

Postby gilkile » Wed Dec 14, 2011 1:18 am

PopTorts13 wrote:A relatively far-fetched idea with too much "fluff" and dramatization over something as common as... quitting smoking. Elaborate more on the traits that make you a great applicant in a concrete/conservative way. The concept seems too much like "poor ole me and my prepubescent struggles with nicotine, but look at me now!" I can see the nuggets of mature statement within your writing though. Expound upon the fact that you are going to add something to the school in a unique way and that you are prepared to take on the academic rigors of law school. Best of luck!


Call it routine, but I didn't make this up, these are my true feelings. It was the most significant decision of my life!How can I really say this makes me Unique though.... "the academic rigors" .... forsure i'll add though thanks.

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breadbucket
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Re: Can I all of your critique/ opinion pls?

Postby breadbucket » Wed Dec 14, 2011 1:25 am

It was the most significant decision of my life!


Your problems begin and end with this statement

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PopTorts13
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Re: Can I all of your critique/ opinion pls?

Postby PopTorts13 » Wed Dec 14, 2011 1:25 am

gilkile wrote:
cinephile wrote:There's way too much narrative about smoking and what it was like. Not enough about overcoming it, feeling like you can overcome anything now. The point isn't just telling a story for the sake of telling a story, it's to sell yourself. Also, probably should remove the phrase "you can't even imagine . . . "


Thanks, I agree but there is not much more too describe about how I overcame it. Should I go into more of the "inner stuggles"? for what purpose? Or are u just recommending I make my essay more focused on the conclusion, of how i feel it has changed me....


I'm sorry if it came across that I don't believe you; that wasn't my intent. It's important that you really speak to those two concepts. It is honestly what AD coms want.

"inner struggles"= fluff

facts + life experiences/observations = 1. why you want to study law & 2. why you will benefit their institution.
Honestly, they don't want your wording to be excessively flowered. I'm an artist and I get that, but the PS shouldn't be presented in such a manner.

LSATPREPPER
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Re: Can I get all of your critique/ opinion pls?

Postby LSATPREPPER » Wed Dec 14, 2011 1:32 am

I know this is what you specifically said you did not want to hear.

But regardless about how you personally feel this experience effected or changed or life I don't think it is going to be compelling to an adcom at all.

gilkile
Posts: 74
Joined: Sun Nov 20, 2011 6:06 pm

Re: Can I all of your critique/ opinion pls?

Postby gilkile » Wed Dec 14, 2011 1:35 am

PopTorts13 wrote:
gilkile wrote:
cinephile wrote:There's way too much narrative about smoking and what it was like. Not enough about overcoming it, feeling like you can overcome anything now. The point isn't just telling a story for the sake of telling a story, it's to sell yourself. Also, probably should remove the phrase "you can't even imagine . . . "


Thanks, I agree but there is not much more too describe about how I overcame it. Should I go into more of the "inner stuggles"? for what purpose? Or are u just recommending I make my essay more focused on the conclusion, of how i feel it has changed me....


I'm sorry if it came across that I don't believe you; that wasn't my intent. It's important that you really speak to those two concepts. It is honestly what AD coms want.

"inner struggles"= fluff

facts + life experiences/observations = 1. why you want to study law & 2. why you will benefit their institution.
Honestly, they don't want your wording to be excessively flowered. I'm an artist and I get that, but the PS shouldn't be presented in such a manner.


Will submitting a P.S. like this be a negative or just not a positive?

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PopTorts13
Posts: 378
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Re: Can I get all of your critique/ opinion pls?

Postby PopTorts13 » Wed Dec 14, 2011 1:35 am

LSATPREPPER wrote:I know this is what you specifically said you did not want to hear.

But regardless about how you personally feel this experience effected or changed or life I don't think it is going to be compelling to an adcom at all.


+1

gilkile
Posts: 74
Joined: Sun Nov 20, 2011 6:06 pm

Re: Can I get all of your critique/ opinion pls?

Postby gilkile » Wed Dec 14, 2011 1:37 am

LSATPREPPER wrote:I know this is what you specifically said you did not want to hear.

But regardless about how you personally feel this experience effected or changed or life I don't think it is going to be compelling to an adcom at all.


I'm fine with it not being compelling, I just dont want it to hurt me... what you think?

gilkile
Posts: 74
Joined: Sun Nov 20, 2011 6:06 pm

Re: Can I get all of your critique/ opinion pls?

Postby gilkile » Wed Dec 14, 2011 1:41 am

I need to get my applications in already, So I'd rather not RESTART. I want to know how I can make this essay better.

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PopTorts13
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Re: Can I all of your critique/ opinion pls?

Postby PopTorts13 » Wed Dec 14, 2011 1:41 am

gilkile wrote:
PopTorts13 wrote:
gilkile wrote:
cinephile wrote:There's way too much narrative about smoking and what it was like. Not enough about overcoming it, feeling like you can overcome anything now. The point isn't just telling a story for the sake of telling a story, it's to sell yourself. Also, probably should remove the phrase "you can't even imagine . . . "


Thanks, I agree but there is not much more too describe about how I overcame it. Should I go into more of the "inner stuggles"? for what purpose? Or are u just recommending I make my essay more focused on the conclusion, of how i feel it has changed me....


I'm sorry if it came across that I don't believe you; that wasn't my intent. It's important that you really speak to those two concepts. It is honestly what AD coms want.

"inner struggles"= fluff

facts + life experiences/observations = 1. why you want to study law & 2. why you will benefit their institution.
Honestly, they don't want your wording to be excessively flowered. I'm an artist and I get that, but the PS shouldn't be presented in such a manner.


Will submitting a P.S. like this be a negative or just not a positive?



Numbers are typically the most important factor and then it is a juggling routine between LOR and PS. This will be seen as a neutral letter at best and most likely negative because it is passively describing what exactly you are bringing to the table as a potential student and member of their community. All I am saying is if you make some of your statements more concrete with less descriptors, you'll open up room to expound on your triumph as well as what is special about you as a potential student. You're half-way there.

If your numbers aren't stellar, a PS could really help you get into a little bit better of a school; I'd hate to see you not get into the better school!

gilkile
Posts: 74
Joined: Sun Nov 20, 2011 6:06 pm

Re: Can I all of your critique/ opinion pls?

Postby gilkile » Wed Dec 14, 2011 1:57 am

Thanks, I agree but there is not much more too describe about how I overcame it. Should I go into more of the "inner stuggles"? for what purpose? Or are u just recommending I make my essay more focused on the conclusion, of how i feel it has changed me....[/quote]

I'm sorry if it came across that I don't believe you; that wasn't my intent. It's important that you really speak to those two concepts. It is honestly what AD coms want.

"inner struggles"= fluff

facts + life experiences/observations = 1. why you want to study law & 2. why you will benefit their institution.
Honestly, they don't want your wording to be excessively flowered. I'm an artist and I get that, but the PS shouldn't be presented in such a manner.
[/quote]

Will submitting a P.S. like this be a negative or just not a positive?[/quote]


Numbers are typically the most important factor and then it is a juggling routine between LOR and PS. This will be seen as a neutral letter at best and most likely negative because it is passively describing what exactly you are bringing to the table as a potential student and member of their community. All I am saying is if you make some of your statements more concrete with less descriptors, you'll open up room to expound on your triumph as well as what is special about you as a potential student. You're half-way there.

If your numbers aren't stellar, a PS could really help you get into a little bit better of a school; I'd hate to see you not get into the better school!
[/quote]

166 3.92 not applying to very many reaches... I want to get $$$$ someplace. I understand what you are saying %100, Im gonna spend some more time making this essay highlight what im bringing to the table. Thanks!

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cinephile
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Re: Can I get all of your critique/ opinion pls?

Postby cinephile » Wed Dec 14, 2011 12:32 pm

gilkile wrote:I need to get my applications in already, So I'd rather not RESTART. I want to know how I can make this essay better.


Cut down the narrative part and focus more on the strength, discipline, tenacity, determination, etc. you needed to overcome it. And maybe relate how these personality traits have helped you accomplish things outside of smoking, like success professionally or academically. And then how you expect these traits will help you in law school and in practice.

gilkile
Posts: 74
Joined: Sun Nov 20, 2011 6:06 pm

Re: Can I get all of your critique/ opinion pls?

Postby gilkile » Wed Dec 14, 2011 12:42 pm

cinephile wrote:
gilkile wrote:I need to get my applications in already, So I'd rather not RESTART. I want to know how I can make this essay better.


Cut down the narrative part and focus more on the strength, discipline, tenacity, determination, etc. you needed to overcome it. And maybe relate how these personality traits have helped you accomplish things outside of smoking, like success professionally or academically. And then how you expect these traits will help you in law school and in practice.


TY, that is what I'll do




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