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(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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lb1289
Posts: 3
Joined: Sat Jun 25, 2011 3:25 am

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Postby lb1289 » Tue Dec 13, 2011 11:37 pm

Thanks to everyone. I took it down
Last edited by lb1289 on Wed Dec 14, 2011 4:19 pm, edited 2 times in total.

cleareyesfullheart
Posts: 26
Joined: Mon Oct 24, 2011 9:43 pm

Re: Will anyone edit this?

Postby cleareyesfullheart » Tue Dec 13, 2011 11:59 pm

This is a really good topic, and I feel like you did a pretty solid job with it. It definitely shows who you are, what you have gone through, and how it got you excited/prepared for law. I think there are a few issues with commas, and maybe some grammar things that can be cleaned up to sound a bit better. I would cut out the first and last sentence of your second to last paragraph though. You basically restate the first one in the last sentence of your last paragraph, and it works better as your concluding sentence. The last one of that second to last paragraph does not add anything and sounds weird. I would especially be hesitant to say old knowledge becomes obsolete; old knowledge is maybe built on, but not completely meaningless anymore imo.

geauxsaints
Posts: 25
Joined: Sat Nov 26, 2011 3:52 am

Re: Will anyone edit this?

Postby geauxsaints » Wed Dec 14, 2011 1:09 am

I have a few suggestions.

My first suggestion is go through and figure out how to re-word all of the "...,as..."

For example, you say: "This experience taught me to pay attention to detail, as I was expected to understand and relay information accurately."

You could say: This experience taught me to pay attention to detail, because I was expected to understand and relay information accurately.

You use a comma followed by "as" five times.

This statement needs much more work in my opinion. I would avoid making statements like "The study of law begins in law school, but it is a lifelong investigation where older knowledge can become obsolete, and a lawyer must stay well informed." because you are not an attorney, so I wouldn't tell the admissions committee what a lawyer "must" do. Also, I would find ways to use less commas.

I also wouldn't tell them that the most important lessons you learned were not in a classroom...law school takes place in a classroom.

These are only suggestions. I quickly skimmed and changed some things I would consider.
Last edited by geauxsaints on Wed Dec 14, 2011 11:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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lb1289
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Re: Will anyone edit this?

Postby lb1289 » Wed Dec 14, 2011 1:19 am

:lol: Thanks for your input!




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