Father in Jail PS *UPDATED 12/23

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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avd90
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Father in Jail PS *UPDATED 12/23

Postby avd90 » Tue Dec 13, 2011 1:14 am

deleted the first draft, newest draft attached below.
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So I guess this will speak for itself... I really need some help integrating my father's arrest with everything else. It is a bit too long right now, and I'm in the midst of finals so I haven't been able to give it the love and care it needs.. any help would be awesome.

Sorry if it's too intense for some people... :oops:

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Last edited by avd90 on Mon Dec 26, 2011 12:24 am, edited 4 times in total.

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breadbucket
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Re: Very personal PS critique!

Postby breadbucket » Tue Dec 13, 2011 1:27 am

Honestly I got bored, a lot of it seems too contrived; while this probably not the case as it seems from your preface that it is a very genuine and deep experience.

the interest and passion that I developed through the course of my research helped to define the type of law I ultimately want to go into. The experience gave me new perspective on the power of the law.


This, just doesn't sound very analytical or particularly introspective. If the experience really impacted you and your view of the law, then tell us in a way that conveys that impact. Use language and literary devices that convey that metamorphosis.

These combined experiences, along with my interest in feminism and reproductive rights, helped me to realize a passion for social justice.


Again, just seems loosely fitting based on your narrative.

Social justice interests me on both a domestic and international level, however, I hope to work in a capacity where I can secure and protect rights of American citizens.


For instance, you could cut half this sentence here, and I think you see which half.

For me, I would personally like this to emulate the Hero's journey more closely, as it seems that's how it begins. There is potential here, but only if you focus it, make it more like a narrative, and concentrate harder on the transformation as a constant struggle

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avd90
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Re: Very personal PS critique!

Postby avd90 » Tue Dec 13, 2011 1:57 am

breadbucket wrote:Honestly I got bored, a lot of it seems too contrived; while this probably not the case as it seems from your preface that it is a very genuine and deep experience.

the interest and passion that I developed through the course of my research helped to define the type of law I ultimately want to go into. The experience gave me new perspective on the power of the law.


This, just doesn't sound very analytical or particularly introspective. If the experience really impacted you and your view of the law, then tell us in a way that conveys that impact. Use language and literary devices that convey that metamorphosis.

These combined experiences, along with my interest in feminism and reproductive rights, helped me to realize a passion for social justice.


Again, just seems loosely fitting based on your narrative.

Social justice interests me on both a domestic and international level, however, I hope to work in a capacity where I can secure and protect rights of American citizens.


For instance, you could cut half this sentence here, and I think you see which half.

For me, I would personally like this to emulate the Hero's journey more closely, as it seems that's how it begins. There is potential here, but only if you focus it, make it more like a narrative, and concentrate harder on the transformation as a constant struggle



Thank you so much for your advice. I think my biggest issue is that I was advised to downplay a lot of the elements of the case that really tied everything together. My prelaw advisor told me not to take an accusatory position or to make any moral judgements... which is hard to do. I think that's why it reads a bit emotionless and detached.

Basically, I decided I wanted to work for the ACLU after my experience with my dad's case--the FBI illegally recorded personal conversations for months, but the judge upheld the taps. This is a very new issue at the moment.

Anyway, I really appreciate your comments. Already applying them! :)

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breadbucket
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Re: Very personal PS critique!

Postby breadbucket » Tue Dec 13, 2011 2:32 am

Since PULSE, I have gone on to become the Vice President of Students for Justice in Palestine—a club that focuses on the social justice and human rights components of the Palestinian Israeli Conflict. I also was a part of the affiliated course that travels to the region to witness the reality of the conflict on the ground. As a member of the unrecognized club --- Students for Sexual Health, I have worked to inform students about sexual health issues and resources both on and off campus, and while living on campus, served as a “safe site” where students could come for free contraception if they needed. ---, a Catholic University, does not recognize many clubs on campus, nor does it allow for sexual health services to be provided on campus. While in Berlin, we worked with the Amadeu Antonio Stiftung, a group that works to end neo-Nazi and right wing violence. Experiences like these have only reinforced my desire to protect and preserve the constitution.


Just out of curiosity is this stuff that's already conveyed elsewhere? i.e. in your resume/write-in boxes on apps?

Take this quote:
we worked with the Amadeu Antonio Stiftung, a group that works to end neo-Nazi and right wing violence.


This is something easily listed in a resume or write-in box, try to only include things in a personal statement that you can show how you personally played a significant role in their success/development. Otherwise, it can go in a resume; this is why most will suggest you stick to only one or two things in a personal statement and delve into them at length, short shallow information still has a place, but not in the limited space in your PS.

Best of luck! post up a reworked one when you are ready :)

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avd90
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Re: Very personal PS critique!

Postby avd90 » Sat Dec 24, 2011 12:22 am

breadbucket wrote:Best of luck! post up a reworked one when you are ready :)


Hey, thanks for your comments before--they were really helpful. If you have anymore input to provide to my new draft, please feel free! Thanks a ton!




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