First Rough Draft - Please Critique

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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givemea170
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First Rough Draft - Please Critique

Postby givemea170 » Fri Dec 09, 2011 2:59 pm

I would really appreciate any help or advice anyone could give me. I'm trying to get this done here in the next couple of days because I'm going out of town.

I wish I could honestly say that I have always had aspirations of practicing law. Not only because it would make for a good story, but also because it is painfully obvious that I should have realized these aspirations long ago. The truth is that I ignored the signs and the pleas to reason that I should be pursuing a career in law. My father and my brother are nuclear engineers, while my mother and my sister are both pharmacists. As the baby in the family, I always felt like my options to follow in my parent’s footsteps were already taken by my brother and sister. Because of this, I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with my life and pursued business as my major in college in anticipation that my true calling would speak to me while I pursued my undergraduate degree.
Growing up, I was always concerned with examining the truth in any given situation. I would find myself in debates concerning all different kinds of subjects with my family, friends, and teachers. It seemed not to matter the subject, but rather the act of examining an argument itself was what excited me. Examining the merit of an argument or set of circumstances was my passion. There were several instances I remember where someone suggested that I would make a good lawyer during the course of a debate or discussion, but the one that resonates with me the most is when my high school baseball coach suggested it after listening in on a discussion I had with a teammate regarding the rules of a game we created after one practice. His comment made me seriously begin to consider pursuing a career in the legal profession because I valued his opinion immensely.
I pursued my undergraduate degree in the field of Business Administration at the University of Tennessee. The curriculum required included a Business Law course which cemented my desire to practice law. I was able to take Business Law my junior year and it really changed my ambitions as to what I wanted to do with my career. I have always had a general interest in business and finance but the addition of the theory of law to a business related class really confirmed to me that law was my true calling. Another situation which motivated me in my desire to practice law is that my cousin was involved in a business partnership which had disintegrated and had to be settled in court through mediation and litigation. The process and the details of the case interested me so much that I was able to be in attendance with my cousin and my love of the process of law grew exponentially. At this point, I knew there was no profession that I would ever be more passionate about and there was nothing else I would want to spend my life practicing.
One thing I have been passionate about my entire life is seeing justice served to those who deserve it. Whether this justice is observed in a simple baseball game where a batter who sacrifices to advance a runner does not have the at bat count against his batting average or is observed by a family of two of my friends who had their children taken from them at a young age, I have always admired when justice is served in any situation. The ability of law to bring strength, rewards, and justice to victims and individuals who otherwise would not be able to achieve those results is something that drives me in my pursuit. This reconciliation of justice is a very admirable task and is something that I would be honored to be able to work for in my career.
When I decided why practicing law is my chosen path, a quote by Confucius resonates with me most. Confucius said, “Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.” I know that my passion for law will make me fully dedicated to the study and practice of law. I know that if I were to choose any other profession that I would not be able to bring the passion and work ethic that I would have for practicing law because my whole heart would not be in those other professions like they will be in the study of law. This passion for law will undoubtedly make me an asset to any law school community and I will dedicate myself fully and wholeheartedly to bettering my understanding and knowledge of the law. What I want most is to make an impact on the lives of others and there is no better way to achieve that result than practicing law in my opinion. The motivation to provide justice for others will be an undeniable motivating force in my pursuit of a law degree and I know that my passion will benefit any potential law school I may attend.

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givemea170
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Re: First Rough Draft - Please Critique

Postby givemea170 » Fri Dec 09, 2011 3:18 pm

I checked out essayedge.com and it looks like it would cost $150.00 so I'm hoping someone here can help me out a bit! :mrgreen:

stilles
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Re: First Rough Draft - Please Critique

Postby stilles » Sat Dec 10, 2011 4:21 pm

Just some quick things that come to mind:

- Like what you said about arguments; you enjoy how the argument is being formulated...

- A comment from your baseball coach made you 'seriously' consider law? Comes off as a little absurd.

- Overall, I love your very simple, direct writing style. However, I feel the content of it is weak. I don't get a sense of who you are and the statement is not very memorable. You write a things like 'I became interested' or 'I have always had a general interest' but you don't really address WHY they are interesting to you. What makes those topics/situations attractive?

- Not trying to be harsh, just constructive and save you $150 :)

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givemea170
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Re: First Rough Draft - Please Critique

Postby givemea170 » Sat Dec 10, 2011 4:37 pm

stilles wrote:Just some quick things that come to mind:

- Like what you said about arguments; you enjoy how the argument is being formulated...

- A comment from your baseball coach made you 'seriously' consider law? Comes off as a little absurd.

- Overall, I love your very simple, direct writing style. However, I feel the content of it is weak. I don't get a sense of who you are and the statement is not very memorable. You write a things like 'I became interested' or 'I have always had a general interest' but you don't really address WHY they are interesting to you. What makes those topics/situations attractive?

- Not trying to be harsh, just constructive and save you $150 :)


Definitely see what you are saying about how the content is a little weak. Wrote this very quickly so I'm going to go back through and spice it up a bit. Also, going to remove the comment from my coach. Definitely weak and I have a better story to replace it with.

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cutecarmel
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Re: First Rough Draft - Please Critique

Postby cutecarmel » Sun Dec 11, 2011 11:25 pm

I personally don't like it. Just a few comments:

- There are some schools that specifically request a "Why law school?" essay, and I think this essay would be more appropriate for that and not a personal statement. I learned nothing about you in this statement besides your major and your desire to study law-your major is evident from your transcript, and your desire to study law is evident by the fact that you are applying to law school.

-Please take the part about debating about everything out. I think this is the biggest error that people make when writing a PS.

-Also the parts about finding truth and justice are kind of cliche. It doesn't make you special or original.

-I advice against using the quote, especially such a common one that doesn't seem to have impacted your life very much.

I think you should start over and write about what is special about you and what makes you stand out from the average candidate. Honestly, based on this statement, you sound completely average and I feel that admissions wouldn't remember you at all. There has to be some learning experience in your life that helped shape you and make you into a great candidate for law school. Write about this experience. Make the information about why you want to go to law school a less significant part of your PS. Your PS is your interview and you should focus on aspects that admissions officers couldn't tell from your transcript.

Hope that helps




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