P.S. I need some opinions on this P.S.

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gilkile
Posts: 74
Joined: Sun Nov 20, 2011 6:06 pm

P.S. I need some opinions on this P.S.

Postby gilkile » Thu Dec 08, 2011 12:37 am

Please let me know how you feel about the topic, content, structure, flow, grammer etc. I especially could use some help with conclusion. This is by no means ready to submit as is, I know that much, i would still like some input though Thanks for taking a look!!


As a young teen, I was a strong-minded, defiant kid, who lacked a sense of respect for authority, the law, or any set of guidelines. I couldn’t control myself; I acted on impulse. I was at the top of the class academically, but near the bottom behaviorally. I caused my parents and teachers much heartache and anguish. I wanted more than anyone else to correct my behavior, but for a number of years, I struggled with impulsivity

I began smoking cigarettes at age 12. I quickly became addicted and smoked between two and two and a half packs a day. Smoking which had become “my life” was destroying me physically, as I was diagnosed with chronic bronchitis. Even more damaging was the emotional toll my addiction took on me. My mind was controlled by nicotine. Crazy mood swings led to tumultuous inter-personal relationships. I couldn’t think straight; I never knew if the decision or thought going through my head was my own, or one put into my head by the ‘nicotine monster” that inhibited my brain. Quitting smoking became my number one agenda in life, all other plans and goals were put on the backburner, I struggled for years. After a while, I began to lose confidence in my ability to accomplish any of my goals. My thought process was “If I can’t quit smoking, a goal I wanted to achieve badly and one that I stood to gain a lot from, how I would be able to accomplish any of my other goals in life?” In December 2008 just before my 18th birthday, I got sick with the flu, which coupled with the chronic bronchitis I always had, made it impossible for me to smoke. I was bedridden for a week, and I managed to fight off the urge to smoke, I knew I was just too sick. I spent the many hours of that long, painful, December week thinking about smoking. I came to the realization that if there was ever going to be a time that I would finally quit, now would be the best, because I had a week’s head start. I reaffirmed to myself better than ever that the pros outweighed the cons and I made the commitment. I have been smoke- free for almost three full years now. The only reason I was successful in quitting was because I was determined and completely committed. With everyday that commitment just gets stronger. I am living an exceedingly higher quality of life than I was during my smoking years, and that realization keeps my commitment strong.

Not only am I physically feeling great today as a result of quitting smoking, but I am a different person emotionally as well. Smoking cigarettes was an impulsive behavior, one in which I was foregoing the consequence of the action for perceived momentary pleasure. So my mental decision to quit smoking, was really a much greater decision, it was a decision to change the way I lived life, to go from being an impulsive decision maker, to a premeditative one. What I am most grateful for however, is what quitting smoking did for my confidence. By quitting smoking I had essentially accomplished something I thought was nearly impossible. As a result I am reluctant to call anything “too difficult” anymore. I now enter every situation, whatever it may be with utter confidence that with dedicated hard work and determination, I will achieve my goal.

gilkile
Posts: 74
Joined: Sun Nov 20, 2011 6:06 pm

Re: P.S. I need some opinions on this P.S.

Postby gilkile » Thu Dec 08, 2011 12:44 am

gilkile wrote:Please let me know how you feel about the topic, content, structure, flow, grammer etc. I especially could use some help with conclusion. This is by no means ready to submit as is, I know that much, i would still like some input though Thanks for taking a look!!


As a young teen, I was a strong-minded, defiant kid, who lacked a sense of respect for authority, the law, or any set of guidelines. I couldn’t control myself; I acted on impulse. I was at the top of the class academically, but near the bottom behaviorally. I caused my parents and teachers much heartache and anguish. I wanted more than anyone else to correct my behavior, but for a number of years, I struggled with impulsivity

I began smoking cigarettes at age 12. I quickly became addicted and smoked between two and two and a half packs a day. Smoking which had become “my life” was destroying me physically, as I was diagnosed with chronic bronchitis. Even more damaging was the emotional toll my addiction took on me. My mind was controlled by nicotine. Crazy mood swings led to tumultuous inter-personal relationships. I couldn’t think straight; I never knew if the decision or thought going through my head was my own, or one put into my head by the ‘nicotine monster” that inhibited my brain. Quitting smoking became my number one agenda in life, all other plans and goals were put on the backburner, I struggled for years. After a while, I began to lose confidence in my ability to accomplish any of my goals. My thought process was “If I can’t quit smoking, a goal I wanted to achieve badly and one that I stood to gain a lot from, how I would be able to accomplish any of my other goals in life?” In December 2008 just before my 18th birthday, I got sick with the flu, which coupled with the chronic bronchitis I always had, made it impossible for me to smoke. I was bedridden for a week, and I managed to fight off the urge to smoke, I knew I was just too sick. I spent the many hours of that long, painful, December week thinking about smoking. I came to the realization that if there was ever going to be a time that I would finally quit, now would be the best, because I had a week’s head start. I reaffirmed to myself better than ever that the pros outweighed the cons and I made the commitment. I have been smoke- free for almost three full years now. The only reason I was successful in quitting was because I was determined and completely committed. With everyday that commitment just gets stronger. I am living an exceedingly higher quality of life than I was during my smoking years, and that realization keeps my commitment strong.

Not only am I physically feeling great today as a result of quitting smoking, but I am a different person emotionally as well. Smoking cigarettes was an impulsive behavior, one in which I was foregoing the consequence of the action for perceived momentary pleasure. So my mental decision to quit smoking, was really a much greater decision, it was a decision to change the way I lived life, to go from being an impulsive decision maker, to a premeditative one. What I am most grateful for however, is what quitting smoking did for my confidence. By quitting smoking I had essentially accomplished something I thought was nearly impossible. As a result I am reluctant to call anything “too difficult” anymore. I now enter every situation, whatever it may be with utter confidence that with dedicated hard work and determination, I will achieve my goal.


Should I finish by saying a little bit of what type of law interests me, and why?

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: P.S. I need some opinions on this P.S.

Postby kublaikahn » Thu Dec 08, 2011 3:35 am

This is just goofy. It portray a deeper problem than being a smoker, which you never resolve. This may actually hurt your application. The grammar is okay but some sentences need to be read aloud. Here are some examples.

I couldn’t control myself; I acted on impulse.

You had good grades, so obviously you could control yourself if you wanted to .

I was bedridden for a week, and I managed to fight off the urge to smoke, I knew I was just too sick.
Run on sentence.

Smoking cigarettes was an impulsive behavior, one in which I was foregoing the consequence of the action for perceived momentary pleasure.
How does one forego a consequence?


Smoking which had become “my life” was destroying me physically, as I was diagnosed with chronic bronchitis.
Don't know where to begin on this one.

Bottom line. Start over with a new topic.

gilkile
Posts: 74
Joined: Sun Nov 20, 2011 6:06 pm

Re: P.S. I need some opinions on this P.S.

Postby gilkile » Thu Dec 08, 2011 12:42 pm

kublaikahn wrote:This is just goofy. It portray a deeper problem than being a smoker, which you never resolve. This may actually hurt your application. The grammar is okay but some sentences need to be read aloud. Here are some examples.

I couldn’t control myself; I acted on impulse.

You had good grades, so obviously you could control yourself if you wanted to .

I was bedridden for a week, and I managed to fight off the urge to smoke, I knew I was just too sick.
Run on sentence.

Smoking cigarettes was an impulsive behavior, one in which I was foregoing the consequence of the action for perceived momentary pleasure.
How does one forego a consequence?


Smoking which had become “my life” was destroying me physically, as I was diagnosed with chronic bronchitis.
Don't know where to begin on this one.

Bottom line. Start over with a new topic.


I don't have another topic in mind. I also want to apply already, so do u have any suggestions on how I can make this work?

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: P.S. I need some opinions on this P.S.

Postby kublaikahn » Thu Dec 08, 2011 3:05 pm

If you want to stick with cessation as a topic, cut out the part about being a troubled youth and focus on the process of quitting. Don't over-dramatize it and try to pull some lesson learned and how quitting smoking prepared you for life and law school. Just talk about how difficult it was, how important it was to you, and get into the nitty gritty of how you fought off urges, etc.

You can write a meaningful PS with cessation as the backdrop, but this piece is thoroughly uninteresting and portrays you in a bad light.

ctacoronti
Posts: 10
Joined: Thu Oct 20, 2011 1:23 pm

Re: P.S. I need some opinions on this P.S.

Postby ctacoronti » Fri Dec 09, 2011 11:40 pm

I think the OP can stick with the topic, and that the intro about being a troubled youth with an impulse problem sets a good stage. Maybe make the conclusion better by more clearly articulating how you learned to control your impulsive behavior, attain your goal, and how that has positively influenced your outlook or your ability to achieve other goals.

I do agree that you need to read some of the sentences out loud. The first paragraph is pretty good, but it starts to get weaker grammatically as the essay goes on.

I do think this could be a solid PS though.

gilkile
Posts: 74
Joined: Sun Nov 20, 2011 6:06 pm

Re: P.S. I need some opinions on this P.S.

Postby gilkile » Sat Dec 10, 2011 8:06 pm

ctacoronti wrote:I think the OP can stick with the topic, and that the intro about being a troubled youth with an impulse problem sets a good stage. Maybe make the conclusion better by more clearly articulating how you learned to control your impulsive behavior, attain your goal, and how that has positively influenced your outlook or your ability to achieve other goals.

I do agree that you need to read some of the sentences out loud. The first paragraph is pretty good, but it starts to get weaker grammatically as the essay goes on.

I do think this could be a solid PS though.


That is what I wanted to hear! The setting the stage... is what I intended. I will work on the conclusion. I definitely didn't elaborate enough. All I want from this p.s. is "decent" so its good to hear that with some more work I can get there.




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