Personal Statement (First Rough Draft)

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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givemea170
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Personal Statement (First Rough Draft)

Postby givemea170 » Wed Dec 07, 2011 6:09 pm

Only the first two paragraphs because if it is awful, I may want to just scrap it. Please give me some advice here, whether you think I should scrap it or whether you think I should continue with it.

Any corrections will be greatly appreciated as well.

Also, on a scale of 1-10... I feel like this is terrible so please be honest so I can start over if it is.

''I wish I could honestly say that I have always had aspirations of practicing law. Not only because it would make for a good story, but also because it is painfully obvious that I should have realized these aspirations long ago. The truth is that I ignored the signs and the pleas to reason that I should be pursuing a career in law. My father and my brother are nuclear engineers, while my mother and my sister are both pharmacists. As the baby in the family, I always felt like my options to follow in my parent’s footsteps were already taken by my brother and sister. Because of this, I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with my life and accepted an ambiguous choice of business as my major in college and hoped that my true calling would speak to me while I pursued my undergraduate degree.
Growing up, I was always concerned with examining the truth in any given situation. I would find myself in debates concerning all different kinds of subjects with my family, friends, and teachers. It seemed not to matter the subject, but rather the act of examining an argument itself was what excited me. Examining the merit of an argument or set of circumstances was my passion. There were several instances I remember where someone suggested that I would make a good lawyer during the course of a debate or discussion, but the one that resonates with me the most is when my high school baseball coach suggested it after listening in on a discussion I had with a teammate regarding the rules of a game we created after one practice. His comment made me seriously begin to consider pursuing a career in the legal profession because I valued his opinion immensely.''

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givemea170
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Re: Personal Statement (First Rough Draft)

Postby givemea170 » Wed Dec 07, 2011 6:24 pm

The more time that goes by that no one responds, the more I think it was so bad that it wasn't worth a response. :lol:

yankeedoodle
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Re: Personal Statement (First Rough Draft)

Postby yankeedoodle » Wed Dec 07, 2011 6:39 pm

I think if you take out the self-depracating tone, it would be fine to tell the story of your moment of realization. Certainly nobody would fault you for discovering your calling so "late" in life. Also, IMHO, it is not necessary to call a business major "ambiguous," as almost any major could be, depending on how it is taught/used. BUT, besides the tone, it could make for a good narrative.

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givemea170
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Re: Personal Statement (First Rough Draft)

Postby givemea170 » Wed Dec 07, 2011 6:43 pm

yankeedoodle wrote:I think if you take out the self-depracating tone, it would be fine to tell the story of your moment of realization. Certainly nobody would fault you for discovering your calling so "late" in life. Also, IMHO, it is not necessary to call a business major "ambiguous," as almost any major could be, depending on how it is taught/used. BUT, besides the tone, it could make for a good narrative.


I'll definitely look into that. I see what you mean about the tone portraying me negatively when that wasn't my intention. The rest of the essay would discuss further realizations into why I should study law while pursuing my undergraduate degree, so hopefully that'll flow in well. I guess I just need to write the rest and then I can post it in its entirety.

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givemea170
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Re: Personal Statement (First Rough Draft)

Postby givemea170 » Wed Dec 07, 2011 8:35 pm

Would anyone be interested in exchanging and peer editing?

kublaikahn
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Re: Personal Statement (First Rough Draft)

Postby kublaikahn » Thu Dec 08, 2011 3:59 am

givemea170 wrote:The more time that goes by that no one responds, the more I think it was so bad that it wasn't worth a response. :lol:

Trust your gut.

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GirlStop
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Re: Personal Statement (First Rough Draft)

Postby GirlStop » Thu Dec 08, 2011 11:54 am

I would start over.. You may have something to work with in the last paragraph tho

Growing up, I was always concerned with examining the truth in any given situation. I would find myself in debates concerning all different kinds of subjects with my family, friends, and teachers. It seemed not to matter the subject, but rather the act of examining an argument itself was what excited me. Examining the merit of an argument or set of circumstances was my passion. There were several instances I remember where someone suggested that I would make a good lawyer during the course of a debate or discussion, but the one that resonates with me the most is when my high school baseball coach suggested it after listening in on a discussion I had with a teammate regarding the rules of a game we created after one practice. His comment made me seriously begin to consider pursuing a career in the legal profession because I valued his opinion immensely.''

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
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Re: Personal Statement (First Rough Draft)

Postby kublaikahn » Thu Dec 08, 2011 3:06 pm

GirlStop wrote:I would start over.. You may have something to work with in the last paragraph tho

Growing up, I was always concerned with examining the truth in any given situation. I would find myself in debates concerning all different kinds of subjects with my family, friends, and teachers. It seemed not to matter the subject, but rather the act of examining an argument itself was what excited me. Examining the merit of an argument or set of circumstances was my passion. There were several instances I remember where someone suggested that I would make a good lawyer during the course of a debate or discussion, but the one that resonates with me the most is when my high school baseball coach suggested it after listening in on a discussion I had with a teammate regarding the rules of a game we created after one practice. His comment made me seriously begin to consider pursuing a career in the legal profession because I valued his opinion immensely.''


lawyering =/= debating or arguing. Be careful with these analogies as they may make you seem naive.




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