any areas to improve on?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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DoctorLaw
Posts: 126
Joined: Sat Oct 02, 2010 4:20 pm

any areas to improve on?

Postby DoctorLaw » Tue Dec 06, 2011 12:30 am

[rewriting]
Last edited by DoctorLaw on Tue Dec 06, 2011 1:40 am, edited 1 time in total.

RamblinBoyofPleasure
Posts: 61
Joined: Tue Oct 25, 2011 8:22 pm

Re: any areas to improve on?

Postby RamblinBoyofPleasure » Tue Dec 06, 2011 1:19 am

Right now, the essay is too much about other people. It is fine to talk about others, but only if you tie it together by showing what other people have meant to you.

You should re-write this and place a lot more emphasis on how you initially felt pressured by your father to become a doctor. Then talk about how the setbacks your family has faced, and all of the sacrifice each successive generation had made to get you there. Play up how you were initially predisposed to go with your parents' wishes because you were in awe of their perseverance and wanted to respect all that they had given you. Then, the major moment of the essay should be when you explain to your parents that you do not want to be a doctor, but a lawyer instead.

If you do that, the story will be about you. And instead of ending with "I did what my parents told me to do for a bit, and it didn't go well" you will have turned the story into how you have matured and learned to be your own person, just like your great-grandfather did when he stood up to injustice.

RamblinBoyofPleasure
Posts: 61
Joined: Tue Oct 25, 2011 8:22 pm

Re: any areas to improve on?

Postby RamblinBoyofPleasure » Tue Dec 06, 2011 1:26 am

BTW: Any tips on my personal statement would also be much appreciated. :D

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DoctorLaw
Posts: 126
Joined: Sat Oct 02, 2010 4:20 pm

Re: any areas to improve on?

Postby DoctorLaw » Tue Dec 06, 2011 1:39 am

RamblinBoyofPleasure wrote:Right now, the essay is too much about other people. It is fine to talk about others, but only if you tie it together by showing what other people have meant to you.

You should re-write this and place a lot more emphasis on how you initially felt pressured by your father to become a doctor. Then talk about how the setbacks your family has faced, and all of the sacrifice each successive generation had made to get you there. Play up how you were initially predisposed to go with your parents' wishes because you were in awe of their perseverance and wanted to respect all that they had given you. Then, the major moment of the essay should be when you explain to your parents that you do not want to be a doctor, but a lawyer instead.

If you do that, the story will be about you. And instead of ending with "I did what my parents told me to do for a bit, and it didn't go well" you will have turned the story into how you have matured and learned to be your own person, just like your great-grandfather did when he stood up to injustice.



_+1




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