Please Review PS and rip it appart- if needed

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
arkman
Posts: 7
Joined: Tue Aug 23, 2011 10:35 pm

Please Review PS and rip it appart- if needed

Postby arkman » Fri Dec 02, 2011 1:04 pm

I am a husband, father, and successful Business Manager in my mid 30’s. So why would a father of five children forego a lucrative career to live on savings, 401K withdraws, and student loans for the next three years in order to attend law school? This is a question posed to me by many close friends and colleagues over the past year. I came to this decision when my life utterly changed twenty months ago. It was due to a single sentence uttered by my young daughter, “Daddy, I don't like it when Grandpa touches me here.”
I was stopped in my tracks. Had I heard her correctly? It was not possible. How could I have let this happen to my little girl? After the initial shock had worn off, I realized there was nothing I could have done to prevent this. If an individual is determined, they will find a way to commit a crime, and this is exactly what happened. Because of the allegations brought against my father, I was alienated by my siblings and my mother; however, I couldn’t merely stand idly by. I stood up for what I knew was right, and because of my determination to seek the truth, justice prevailed. The events leading up to the trial were quite draining on my daughter, my wife and me. Over the next eleven months, I observed the entire criminal judicial process and saw just how over tasked the county prosecutors were. They were subjected to juggling several cases at once; trying to ensure that justice was served, while updating the victims of the proceedings. I had an overwhelming desire to learn what more I could do to assist. This is when the thought of attending law school came to mind. I could become a criminal prosecutor and help those countless victims by fighting on their behalf.
Some would presume this was an overreaction to a horrible incident and that I hadn’t researched this proposal entirely. On the contrary, I am not the type of individual who initiates a change without thoroughly investigating foreseeable consequences. While attending high school I had the desire to become a foreign exchange student. So I researched the various programs and areas of the world to visit, and following eleven months of planning I selected the Rotary exchange program and requested to be sent to Brazil. The determining factors for my decision were, the Rotary program would be the least financially taxing on my family and I would have the opportunity to learn a another language in addition to my English and Spanish. Also, after five years of success as a sales executive in the telecommunications industry, I decided to increase my understanding of the technical aspects and returned to school for two additional years to receive certifications in Cisco and Microsoft networking.
For the past 14 years, I worked in the telecommunications field, earning numerous accolades including the exclusive honor of a President’s Club winner twice in five years. Even though I never completed an undergraduate degree, whereas all my peers had Master’s degrees, I was able to convince the Senior Vice President and CEO to promote me to a senior executive role within the company. To leave this success and income in order to complete my college education then matriculate to law school was neither an easy decision nor an impulse reaction. This is certainly not the choice many people would select, though I am determined to make it work. After several lengthy discussions with my wife over the previous year and reviewing our financial position, we came to the consensus this is what I should to do. I understand that beginning a second career working for a district attorney or prosecutor won’t enable me to prevent what happened to my daughter. Likewise, I won’t be as financially as successful as I was in my previous position. Nevertheless I will be more fulfilled knowing I am making a difference for my children’s future one case at a time by litigating those who have been accused, so justice can be served.

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: Please Review PS and rip it appart- if needed

Postby kublaikahn » Fri Dec 02, 2011 8:44 pm

arkman wrote:I am a husband, father, and successful Business Manager in my mid 30’s. So why would a father of five children forego a lucrative career to live on savings, 401K withdraws, and student loans for the next three years in order to attend law school? This is a question posed to me by I am well along the path in a successful business career. But first and foremost I am a husband and father of five children. Many close friends and colleagues over the past year have asked me why I would set my career aside for the financial and academic stress of law school. I came to this decision when my life utterly changed twenty months ago. It was due to a single sentence uttered by when my younger daughter uttered a single sentence, “Daddy, I don't like it when Grandpa touches me here.”
I was stopped in my tracks. Had I heard her correctly? It was not possible. How could I have let this happen to my little girl? After the initial shock had worn off, I realized there was nothing I could have done to prevent this. If an individual is determined, they will find a way to commit a crime, and this is exactly what happened. Because of the allegations brought against my father, I was alienated by my siblings and my mother; however, I couldn’t merely stand idly by. I stood up for what I knew was right, and because of my determination to seek the truth, justice prevailed. The events leading up to the trial were quite draining on my daughter, my wife and me. Over the next eleven months, I observed the entire criminal judicial process and saw just how over tasked the county prosecutors were. They were subjected to juggling several cases at once; trying to ensure that justice was served, while updating the victims of the proceedings. I had an overwhelming desire to learn what more I could do to assist. This is when the thought of attending law school came to mind. I could become a criminal prosecutor and help those countless victims by fighting on their behalf. [continue this compelling story from here and leave out the resume regurgitation below]
Some would presume this was an overreaction to a horrible incident and that I hadn’t researched this proposal entirely. On the contrary, I am not the type of individual who initiates a change without thoroughly investigating foreseeable consequences. While attending high school I had the desire to become a foreign exchange student. So I researched the various programs and areas of the world to visit, and following eleven months of planning I selected the Rotary exchange program and requested to be sent to Brazil. The determining factors for my decision were, the Rotary program would be the least financially taxing on my family and I would have the opportunity to learn a another language in addition to my English and Spanish. Also, after five years of success as a sales executive in the telecommunications industry, I decided to increase my understanding of the technical aspects and returned to school for two additional years to receive certifications in Cisco and Microsoft networking.
For the past 14 years, I worked in the telecommunications field, earning numerous accolades including the exclusive honor of a President’s Club winner twice in five years. Even though I never completed an undergraduate degree, whereas all my peers had Master’s degrees, I was able to convince the Senior Vice President and CEO to promote me to a senior executive role within the company. To leave this success and income in order to complete my college education then matriculate to law school was neither an easy decision nor an impulse reaction. This is certainly not the choice many people would select, though


I am determined to make it work. After several lengthy discussions with my wife over the previous year and reviewing our financial position, we came to the consensus this is what I should to do. I understand that beginning a second career working for a district attorney or prosecutor won’t enable me to prevent what happened to my daughter. Likewise, I won’t be as financially as successful as I was in my previous position. Nevertheless I will be more fulfilled knowing I am making a difference for my children’s future one case at a time by litigating those who have been accused, so justice can be served.

arkman
Posts: 7
Joined: Tue Aug 23, 2011 10:35 pm

Re: Please Review PS and rip it appart- if needed

Postby arkman » Fri Dec 02, 2011 11:38 pm

thank you for the advice. My wife didn't like the paragraphs you recommended removing. I wanted to convey the idea that this wasn't a rash or stupid decision. Any suggestions on how to incorporate that to ensure the adcons believe my story, since it is the truth.

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: Please Review PS and rip it appart- if needed

Postby kublaikahn » Sat Dec 03, 2011 12:24 am

Well to be honest, when you talk about leaving a great job it makes it sound more impulsive, not less so. Especially after such a traumatic event. I would focus on the process you went through with the aftermath and how that has given you a higher purpose. Another way you could take this is just to say, that we sort of sleep walk through life when we are comfortable but we challenge our assumptions (like justice and safety) when we are shaken by events.

arkman
Posts: 7
Joined: Tue Aug 23, 2011 10:35 pm

Re: Please Review PS and rip it appart- if needed

Postby arkman » Sat Dec 03, 2011 12:46 am

very good angle. thanks, I will incorporate that.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Please Review PS and rip it appart- if needed

Postby CanadianWolf » Sat Dec 03, 2011 12:33 pm

Do you currently have a college degree ?

arkman
Posts: 7
Joined: Tue Aug 23, 2011 10:35 pm

Re: Please Review PS and rip it appart- if needed

Postby arkman » Sun Dec 04, 2011 1:35 am

I graduate in May with my undergrad. I started attending college in 1994 and then never completed my degree.




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