PS Rough Draft!!, need help editing please.

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mespinosa
Posts: 9
Joined: Tue Mar 15, 2011 9:24 pm

PS Rough Draft!!, need help editing please.

Postby mespinosa » Wed Nov 30, 2011 12:08 am

Please help me editing my PS rough draft. I would appreciate and feedback.

Adversity and struggle are common factors for most people, some manifest through the turmoil, while other perish away and find themselves stuck in a rut filled with problems and negativity. Only the strong and determined find themselves taking advantage of every single opportunity available in order to create a better life for themselves. These ideas are not farfetched concepts in my mind, for I have created opportunities and taken advantage of every situation throughout my lifetime. Coming from a very poverty stricken Hispanic family, with two bothers and one sister, divorced parents, and a broken household, any opportunity was a scarce opportunity. However, through education and knowledge, my life has taken a dramatic turn towards prosperity and success. The direction I have taken in my life is primarily due to the goals I set as a high school student, which were to someday attend law school and become a lawyer.
Growing up in the border town community of San Ysidro in San Diego, where over 90% of the residents are Hispanic and poverty is a major issue, I was exposed to the law at an early age. These encounters were primarily because of my parents and other family members having conflicts with the police which originally created a negative portrayal of the law during my youth. During these times I was forced to deal with domestic violence issues as a child, my parent’s divorce, and my own mother and father’s drug addictions, and yet I always knew that I had a choice in which direction my life was going to take. I could either continue towards the same path as many of my family members, which was a path of gangs, drugs and violence or I could create a new path for myself and my siblings and use my knowledge and become a positive influence in society. This is where I found my education to be more than just routine schooling that I had to attend everyday because I was told to do so, instead I found education to be my way of changing and creating a new life for myself and influencing my siblings and community.
Although my perception of the law was quite negative as a child, I soon began to understand that the law is not oppressive or negative, but in fact it is fair and helps protect all people of this nation. As seen through my tenaciousness and hard work throughout my educational career and young professional career, I have a passion for understanding the law and for achieving any goal I set. I have successfully completed my entire undergraduate schooling with honors, resulting in a Bachelor’s degree Magna Cum Laude from San Diego State in Criminal Justice. This passion has driven me to getting as close as possible to working in the legal field by working as a student worker for 2 ½ years for the San Diego Superior Court, which has led to irreplaceable experiences and knowledge.
In addition to my undergraduate work with the Superior Court, more recently I have been serving the public of California as an analyst for The California Department of Social Services, in which I adjudicate and analyze federal disability claims according to federal regulations and laws. Assisting the disabled population of California and ensuring that a proper decision has been made on their disability claim is yet another way in which I continue to serve the public to the best of my ability and ensure that each individual’s case is properly adjudicated. This experience has strengthened my desire to continue my education in law and serve those who are less fortunate and look for a public servant for assistance.
By serving the public of San Diego County, where I was born and raised, I have been able to utilize both English and Spanish in order to assist the public in any way that I can. Coming from a household where Spanish was the primary language spoken, I am aware of the obstacles language barriers create. I have overcome these barriers myself and make it an important point to assist the Spanish speaking community in my professional and personal life in order to offer the best public service available.
Ultimately, with my experiences both in and out of school, I continue to find myself attracted to the Criminal Justice field. My ultimate feat of becoming a lawyer working in the Criminal Justice System is driven by my ambition to serve the public and help those in need. As a lawyer I hope to become a Prosecuting Attorney and properly enforce the law in a just manner. As a native of San Diego, I hope to serve the public as an honorable attorney, holding myself to the strict ethical and moral standards which have allowed me to be successful thus far in every endeavor I have attempted.
Not only do I feel, but I absolutely know that I will be a tremendous asset to your law school. I believe I can provide a sense of hope and direction for every Hispanic and non-Hispanic youth who has ever dealt with adversity and poverty. Not only am I a role model for my family, by being the first college graduate in my immediate family, but I hope to become a role model for everyone that has ever dreamt of truly reaching the one goal that they are most passionate about. Although graduating from your law school will be the most difficult, time consuming, and complex endeavor that I will have ever completed, I plan on achieving success at your school by utilizing the tools which have allowed me to surpass so many obstacles in my life. As the saying goes “what does not kill you only makes you stronger”, I have lived by these words and truly believe I am a very strong candidate for admission into your law school. My strong academic background and years of public work experience provide for a solid foundation for success at your law school. Furthermore, admission into your school will allow me to continue striving for my ultimate passion, which is to practice criminal law, and will in return give this law school a future alumnus who carries the school’s name with the utmost dignity, integrity, and pride.

-Thank you all for your help!

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: PS Rough Draft!!, need help editing please.

Postby CanadianWolf » Wed Nov 30, 2011 12:24 am

A bit too repetitive. Consider deleting the entire last paragraph (237 words) which starts with:

" Not only do I feel, but I absolutely know... with the utmost dignity, ethics, and pride."

It is okay to note briefly that you are the first member of your family to graduate college.
Last edited by CanadianWolf on Wed Nov 30, 2011 12:35 am, edited 1 time in total.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: PS Rough Draft!!, need help editing please.

Postby CanadianWolf » Wed Nov 30, 2011 12:31 am

Your first sentence needs to be revised, but is worth keeping because it sets out your theme.

Try to make a bullet-point outline of the points that you want to make in your essay.

Write in a more concise manner.

Avoid repetition.

Delete the entire last paragraph which consists of 237 words, although you can save the point about being the first in your family to earn a college degree.

mespinosa
Posts: 9
Joined: Tue Mar 15, 2011 9:24 pm

Re: PS Rough Draft!!, need help editing please.

Postby mespinosa » Wed Nov 30, 2011 3:23 am

Thank you for your feedback! Please the more help the better!

mespinosa
Posts: 9
Joined: Tue Mar 15, 2011 9:24 pm

Re: PS Rough Draft!!, need help editing please.

Postby mespinosa » Thu Dec 01, 2011 12:14 am

Any additional helpful critiques or comments are welcomed. Please help.




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