Would this sentence be inappropriate for a Why X Essay?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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SoPro
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Would this sentence be inappropriate for a Why X Essay?

Postby SoPro » Tue Nov 29, 2011 6:40 pm

Something like this...

"While XXX is my number once choice, I have chosen not to ED. Though by attending XXX I would have the luxury of paying in-state tuition, it would be financially irresponsible to be committed to XXX when I am aware that a less costly offer is likely to surface. Nevertheless, I am (reaffirm commitment to XXX)."


I feel dirty writing it, but I am extremely debt averse. Any thoughts? Also, this occurs after several strong and legitimate reasons why X is my number one choice and the ideal school for me.

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somewherewarm
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Re: Would this sentence be inappropriate for a Why X Essay?

Postby somewherewarm » Tue Nov 29, 2011 6:55 pm

If it were my "Why X" I would just leave the part about EDing out. I think schools understand that even though they may be a student's number one choice, some students decide to apply to other schools in hopes of minimizing debt. However, you may want to wait for a few more responses until making your final decision about this sentence, I could see this being a sticky issue.

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Tom Joad
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Re: Would this sentence be inappropriate for a Why X Essay?

Postby Tom Joad » Tue Nov 29, 2011 6:59 pm

I don't think you even need to bring up EDing in your Why X statement. Schools should understand that applicants might want to apply to many schools and that doesn't make an applicant disingenuous if they have a top choice and don't ED.

fanellex
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Re: Would this sentence be inappropriate for a Why X Essay?

Postby fanellex » Tue Nov 29, 2011 9:45 pm

Also learn about passive voice.

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Dany
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Re: Would this sentence be inappropriate for a Why X Essay?

Postby Dany » Tue Nov 29, 2011 9:49 pm

Just take out the sentence entirely.

crazyblink653
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Re: Would this sentence be inappropriate for a Why X Essay?

Postby crazyblink653 » Tue Nov 29, 2011 9:56 pm

fanellex wrote:Also learn about passive voice.


+1. although i'm not sure it matters here, since i would advise you just take the entire sentence out. it comes off as kind of insincere and even a bit arrogant. that could just be me, though.

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SoPro
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Re: Would this sentence be inappropriate for a Why X Essay?

Postby SoPro » Tue Nov 29, 2011 9:58 pm

fanellex wrote:Also learn about passive voice.



Great link. At times, it plagues my writing.

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Perdevise
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Re: Would this sentence be inappropriate for a Why X Essay?

Postby Perdevise » Thu Dec 01, 2011 10:44 am

SoPro wrote:
fanellex wrote:Also learn about passive voice.



Great link. At times, it plagues my writing.


You mean, at times your writing is plagued with it.




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