PS draft critique, have gone a new direction, need feedback!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
imjustjoking22
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PS draft critique, have gone a new direction, need feedback!

Postby imjustjoking22 » Mon Nov 28, 2011 9:08 pm

ok, reworking, thanks for feedback!!
Last edited by imjustjoking22 on Tue Nov 29, 2011 2:39 am, edited 1 time in total.

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SoPro
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Re: PS draft critique, have gone a new direction, need feedback!

Postby SoPro » Mon Nov 28, 2011 9:54 pm

Reading now. In exchange, would you glance at my "Why X Essay?"

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SoPro
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Re: PS draft critique, have gone a new direction, need feedback!

Postby SoPro » Mon Nov 28, 2011 10:01 pm

imjustjoking22 wrote:As a lawyer, one must be able to face exacting or unreasonable demands and compromise with tact and deftness(This maybe so, but how do you know?), something which I juggled on a daily basis by the age of fifteen. I was thirteen when my mom was diagnosed with a rare type of leukemia; though she had been “ill” for much of my childhood, her condition worsened dramatically following the diagnosis. My dad worked full-time and I had a younger sibling, so I became her primary caregiver. Following her bone marrow transplant, fraught with complications, her care came to consume my life; extracurricular activities and fun fell prey to an endless stream of appointments, daily care, and medical emergencies.
As a caregiver, I cultivated the dedication, time management, and critical thinking skills necessary to succeed as a student and as a professional. I was often tasked with communicating between my mother and her doctors, specialists, or the hospital staff; her condition was extremely rare, and many of the specialists we consulted had seen only a few cases, none with all of the complications she experienced. I synthesized research and circulated it among relevant doctors and specialists in order to communicate her symptoms, treatments, and medical needs when she was unable to do so, or to argue for the use of new treatments. I accompanied her to numerous appointments and procedures, acting as her advocate. My age was an obstacle in this role, and I combated the doctors’ inclinations to dismiss me outright by communicating respectfully and authoritatively. I learned when to be diplomatic and when to push a point in order to be effective, and would frequently diffuse tensions between my mother and her doctors when one was frustrated and not being heard or heeded by the other. Furthermore, I mediated and problem-solved in crisis situations, handling medical emergencies while keeping myself and others calm.
As a student and employee, the lessons I learned during my time as a caregiver have made me strong, driven, keen, and tenacious. These traits lent themselves well to veterinary medicine, a field I worked in successfully and pursued academically while attending [X], but my aptitude for the job did not suffice to make it the correct path for me; while circumstance has made me a caretaker, my academic and professional passions are far better aligned with the study and practice of law. Instead of accepting surface explanations and surface understanding, I now question and probe as when it was critical to my mother’s health for me to do so. While I performed poorly in my classes during my year at [X] due to my obligations to my mother, this belies my commitment to success. Throughout the rest of my academic career, I forged strong relationships with my professors, who knew me not only as a standout student, but also as a challenging and entertaining personal friend.



You have excellent content, and a good draft. Really, the weakest part is your explanation of why you chose law over medicine -- you don't seem to provide a reason. Explain why, and, as you always should, rewrite several more times. Your ideas will become more precise and concise with revision.

CanadianWolf
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Re: PS draft critique, have gone a new direction, need feedback!

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Nov 28, 2011 11:00 pm

Although your personal statement discusses a sensitive & highly personal period of your life, it is neither well written nor convincing. The primary flaw, in my opinion, is the lack of a clear & relevant theme which, in turn, reduces your writing to little more than a cathartic exercise. Decide on a well-defined theme relative to the goal of increasing your chances for admission to law schools before revising your essay. As written, your PS presents you as somewhat self absorbed & too self promoting while leaving the reader confused as to why you want to pursue a legal career.

imjustjoking22
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Re: PS draft critique, have gone a new direction, need feedback!

Postby imjustjoking22 » Tue Nov 29, 2011 2:39 am

CanadianWolf wrote:Although your personal statement discusses a sensitive & highly personal period of your life, it is neither well written nor convincing. The primary flaw, in my opinion, is the lack of a clear & relevant theme which, in turn, reduces your writing to little more than a cathartic exercise. Decide on a well-defined theme relative to the goal of increasing your chances for admission to law schools before revising your essay. As written, your PS presents you as somewhat self absorbed & too self promoting while leaving the reader confused as to why you want to pursue a legal career.


Thanks, CW - I had gotten a lot of feedback saying I was not promoting myself enough/it was too emotional/etc etc so it appears I've gone too far in the other direction. Off to rewrite for the millionth time I guess!




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