PS and possible critique

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
chalkbreath512
Posts: 2
Joined: Tue Nov 22, 2011 11:22 pm

PS and possible critique

Postby chalkbreath512 » Sun Nov 27, 2011 8:58 pm

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Last edited by chalkbreath512 on Mon Nov 28, 2011 4:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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rinkrat19
Posts: 13915
Joined: Sat Sep 25, 2010 5:35 am

Re: PS and possible critique

Postby rinkrat19 » Sun Nov 27, 2011 9:17 pm

chalkbreath512 wrote:I've been working on this personal statement for over a year. Wow, has it been that long? That is to say, I don't believe that it was the determining factor in being unsuccessful at getting into the school(s) I desire last. Hence, I'm planning to recycle it into the current admissions cycle. Let me know where, how, to proceed from here. Thanks so much


Essay Question 2. How have you tried to effect change in relation to an issue of personal, local, or national significance?

My boots made a hollow thump on the floor of the National Forest Service outpost as I signed in as the leader of my group. We were a team of five, intending to ascend Mt. Baker via the Easton Glacier. I oriented the group around a large format photograph of the mountain which encompassed [unnecessary vocab word, just say 'covered'] an entire wall and was taken in 1942. “We’re going to climb that?” they muttered, clearly daunted by the task at hand. [What kind of idiotic climbers sign up to climb a mountain without realizing what they're going to attempt?] “Of course, we’ll try", I replied. ["Of course, we'll try" is really awkward. I literally cannot imagine saying that. Just say "We'll try."] As a professional mountain guide, my immediate task was to motivate my guests to push their personal limits while doing so safely and enjoyably. However, my responsibility as an environmental advocate is what inspired me to promote environmental awareness in my clientele. [What? This is abrupt. AFAIK, you're just a guide. You haven't shown any enviro agenda to me yet. Perhaps postpone mentioning this until you illustrate it with an example of how you try to spread that message to your group.]

I continued [continued? You hadn't begun yet, as far as I know from this essay. All I know is that you've written your name and your group saw a photo of the mountain] sensitizing my clients to their immediate environment by highlighting technical difficulties the glacier presents for climbers. [Seriously, this is the first time they're hearing about this? Haven't they learned about crampons and staying hydrated and snow blindness and self-arrest technique already at this point?] At the same time, I also began to connect the glacier and Mt. Baker to the global environment. [ok, now I am seeing your dual approach for the first time. This is where you could use that sentence from the first paragraph about being an enviro advocate.] Before we departed for the mountain I made certain they would remember the glacier's precise ending point in the photo, so during the climb they could directly experience [awkward phrasing] how much the glacier has melted since 1942.
After that I feel like the structure improves and I don't have as many specific issues, except for a lot of somewhat awkward phrasing. It's not bad, but there are sentences that just don't really flow all that well, individually and in series. It reads a little clunky in my head.

ETA: the topic is really good.




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