Advice on Important Addendum Forum

[zarathustra25]

I hope that this is the proper forum for this sort of thing. I have, until now, been too embarrassed to seek help on this issue. I must include an addendum for a public intoxication misdemeanor that I received earlier this year. I am hoping that at least one of you will be able to give me advice on what I have so far. I have read in other posts that brevity is key, so I am most concerned with the section beginning with "for what it is worth," and I am more than happy to cut it out if it seems more harmful than beneficial to include. All judgments aside, could one of you please offer suggestions? This is what I have written as of now:

On the night of September 10th, 2011, I was arrested for public intoxication in Ames, a city within Story County, Iowa. The following morning, I entered a plea of not guilty and a trial date of October 7th, 2011 was later set. I opted for pro se representation, but was unsuccessful in my defense. The court found me guilty of a misdemeanor public intoxication offense. The honorable judge James Malloy, citing my lack of a previous record, reduced the prosecutor’s suggested fine of 300 dollars to 100 dollars, along with an additional 60 dollars in court fees. I paid the fine and fees online the following afternoon. I have since reflected deeply and often on this embarrassing and uncharacteristic episode in my life and can assure that no such event will occur in the future. For what it may be worth, I can further guarantee that I do not regularly consume alcohol. The event here explained occurred out of town and on the night of the state’s famed rivalry football game between the Iowa State Cyclones and Iowa Hawkeyes. On that night, I chose to betray my integrity in a momentary lapse of judgment and the state punished me accordingly.

I appreciate any sincere responses and thanks, as always, to the TLS community for being here to help.

[geauxsaints]

I hope that this is the proper forum for this sort of thing. I have, until now, been too embarrassed to seek help on this issue. I must include an addendum for a public intoxication misdemeanor that I received earlier this year. I am hoping that at least one of you will be able to give me advice on what I have so far. I have read in other posts that brevity is key, so I am most concerned with the section beginning with "for what it is worth," and I am more than happy to cut it out if it seems more harmful than beneficial to include. All judgments aside, could one of you please offer suggestions? This is what I have written as of now:

On the night of September 10th, 2011, I was arrested for public intoxication in Ames, a city within Story County, Iowa. The following morning, I entered a plea of not guilty and a trial date of October 7th, 2011 was later set. I opted for pro se representation, but was unsuccessful in my defense. The court found me guilty of a misdemeanor public intoxication offense. The honorable judge James Malloy, citing my lack of a previous record, reduced the prosecutor’s suggested fine of 300 dollars to 100 dollars, along with an additional 60 dollars in court fees. I paid the fine and fees online the following afternoon. I have since reflected deeply and often on this embarrassing and uncharacteristic episode in my life and can assure that no such event will occur in the future. For what it may be worth, I can further guarantee that I do not regularly consume alcohol. The event here explained occurred out of town and on the night of the state’s famed rivalry football game between the Iowa State Cyclones and Iowa Hawkeyes. On that night, I chose to betray my integrity in a momentary lapse of judgment and the state punished me accordingly.

I appreciate any sincere responses and thanks, as always, to the TLS community for being here to help.

I am in a similar situation, but I think you are being too informative. I would re-write this as;

On September 10th, 2011, I was arrested for public intoxication in Ames, Iowa. I was found guilty and charged with a misdemeanor. I paid a $160 fine. This is an embarrassing and uncharacteristic, one-time event that will not occur again.

^ I guess that may be a bit short, but I would definitely take out the "for what it may be worth" and the dramatic language like "betray my integrity"

[zarathustra25]

Thanks, that is what I figured. Good luck with yours as well.

[kublaikahn]

I hope that this is the proper forum for this sort of thing. I have, until now, been too embarrassed to seek help on this issue. I must include an addendum for a public intoxication misdemeanor that I received earlier this year. I am hoping that at least one of you will be able to give me advice on what I have so far. I have read in other posts that brevity is key, so I am most concerned with the section beginning with "for what it is worth," and I am more than happy to cut it out if it seems more harmful than beneficial to include. All judgments aside, could one of you please offer suggestions? This is what I have written as of now:

On the night of September 10th, 2011, I was arrested for public intoxication in Ames, a city within Story County, Iowa. The following morning, I entered a plea of not guilty and a trial date of October 7th, 2011 was later set. I opted for pro se representation, but was unsuccessful in my defense. The court found me guilty of a misdemeanor public intoxication offense. The honorable judge James Malloy, citing my lack of a previous record, reduced the prosecutor’s suggested fine of 300 dollars to 100 dollars, along with an additional 60 dollars in court fees. I paid the fine and fees online the following afternoon. I have since reflected deeply and often on this embarrassing and uncharacteristic episode in my life and can assure that no such event will occur in the future. For what it may be worth, I can further guarantee that I do not regularly consume alcohol. The event here explained occurred out of town and on the night of the state’s famed rivalry football game between the Iowa State Cyclones and Iowa Hawkeyes. On that night, I chose to betray my integrity in a momentary lapse of judgment and the state punished me accordingly.

I appreciate any sincere responses and thanks, as always, to the TLS community for being here to help.

Is that a picture of you with a drink in your hand? Maybe it is not all that uncharacteristic after all.

[Gradvocates Editing]

This is one of the better addenda that we have seen. But... you include too much detail in many sentences; for example, the reader does not care where Ames is or what the judge's name was. Your trial date is also irrelevant. Keep the addendum short and to the point.

It is also a little odd that you mention that you entered a not-guilty plea when you spend the rest of the addendum talking about how remorseful you are and how you betrayed your integrity. For purposes of this addendum, your not-guilty plea is completely irrelevant. All that matters is that you are disclosing that you were found guilty, you learned from the experience, and you have not had any subsequent problems with the law.

We also suggest deleting the mention of the football game or moving it to the front of your addendum. It is completely out of place at the end of your addendum.

Otherwise, good work!

[zarathustra25]

Thanks a lot. To the guy that talks about the drink in my hand in the photo, which I knew some "hawk eye" would notice, that's also one of the special occasions where I did drink, when I was at the University of North Texas presenting a paper. Fortunately, no arrest was made that night.