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personal statement rough draft, all feedback is appreciated

Posted: Fri Nov 25, 2011 10:01 pm
by ProBoyMagic
thanks for the feedback everyone.

Re: personal statement rough draft, all feedback is appreciated

Posted: Fri Nov 25, 2011 10:34 pm
by AP-375
A couple of initial thoughts/opinions/suggestions:

1) I think it's well-written and your voice comes through well
2) I would tone down the first two paragraphs. I get what you're doing, and so will the reader, but your spend the first seven sentences of your personal statement making yourself sound not that great. Anyway you can express your lack of interest without sounding like every other freshman slacker?
So, I'd cut in half and revise. It doesn't take a lot to explain that you hated your first major, and you can do it without making yourself sound bad.
3) I felt like everything about the political science love was kind of abstract. As a reader, I want to know: 1) What exactly did you love about it? 2) Tell me more about embracing your culture. 3) How exactly do you want to help people? What my point is here, is that I think you need some kind of specific focal point, since right now, the most vivid and specific part of you statement is failing to wake up in the morning.
4) Explaining the Steve Boriga's book is a waste of space. They won't care.
5) I think your last paragraph is awesome.

Re: personal statement rough draft, all feedback is appreciated

Posted: Sat Nov 26, 2011 2:21 am
by kublaikahn
Your right. This is terrible. Your grammar is poor in places. You overuse the passive voice, run sentences on, and misuse words like "legitimately." The opening makes you seem naive at best. Even beyond where you say things like the next logical step was to study business.

After finding something that interested me, my next hurdle was finding a field where I could address these issues in a direct manner.
Say this sentence aloud. Do you think everything you study in law school will "legitimately" interest you? Maybe you will revert to waking up at 10 again.

Start over red rover.

Re: personal statement rough draft, all feedback is appreciated

Posted: Sat Nov 26, 2011 2:25 am
by Michaela
kublaikahn wrote:Your right. This is terrible. Your grammar is poor in places.


QF lol- but I actually agree with kublaikahn's critique.

Re: personal statement rough draft, all feedback is appreciated

Posted: Sat Nov 26, 2011 9:00 pm
by Gradvocates Editing
You have way too much going on in this personal statement. You need a single, cohesive theme. Your fourth paragraph comes out of nowhere and goes completely off topic by vaguely discussing your ethnic background and family values.

Why is “stopping an individual or a family from feeling scared or alone or being taken advantage of” important to you? It is clear that your time in college led you to want to attend law school, but you cannot just casually mention new information in your conclusion without further elaboration. Basically, if you want to practice public-interest law, you need to articulate the specific reasons why you will choose that field. Otherwise, it comes across as extremely insincere.

You also have several comma-usage issues. Another mistake is using the word “while” instead of “although.” “While” is a temporal word indicating a length of time. “Although” is for giving concessions.

Additionally, you also omit the word “that” several times. For example, “do my best to accomplish the goals that I set for myself.”

Mistakes like these are acceptable in everyday communication but should be avoided at all cost in your law school personal statement, which should be written as formally as possible.