Advice would be greatly appreciated

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Drivenbutunsure
Posts: 3
Joined: Fri Nov 25, 2011 12:29 pm

Advice would be greatly appreciated

Postby Drivenbutunsure » Fri Nov 25, 2011 12:44 pm

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Last edited by Drivenbutunsure on Fri Nov 25, 2011 3:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.

fanellex
Posts: 15
Joined: Thu Aug 11, 2011 3:38 pm

Re: Advice would be greatly appreciated

Postby fanellex » Fri Nov 25, 2011 2:48 pm

Your writing is vivid and I enjoy the read, but I'm unsure whether it's the ace you're striving for.

It's a bit too drawn out, remember succinctness! A lot of schools have page limits and you need to use a lot smaller word-space than you've used here to present a convincing argument.

The conclusion feels too disconnected from what the bulk of your PS presents. I have a difficult time pointing out a strong thesis.

From that experience I found my desire to pursue law, in order to help ensure that fewer people have to live under such heartbreaking conditions.


I think your PS would be better served if your colorful anecdote was reserved to telling the story of this experience, not something vaguely related.

Maybe spend some time making a formulaic outline first, and letting your good writing fill it in?

Anyway, just my thoughts!

Drivenbutunsure
Posts: 3
Joined: Fri Nov 25, 2011 12:29 pm

Re: Advice would be greatly appreciated

Postby Drivenbutunsure » Fri Nov 25, 2011 3:05 pm

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Last edited by Drivenbutunsure on Fri Nov 25, 2011 3:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.

fanellex
Posts: 15
Joined: Thu Aug 11, 2011 3:38 pm

Re: Advice would be greatly appreciated

Postby fanellex » Fri Nov 25, 2011 3:26 pm

If there was a shot-clock with seconds left and you had to submit one of those two I would tell you a thousand times over to choose the second.

It's extremely personal, far more than your first. This is the one opportunity in your application to convey something about yourself unseen by adcomms elsewhere. Beyond a writing exercise it should humanize you beyond data and employ rhetorical devices to do so, which it does.

If you're concerned about seeming too "woe is me" (which in fact it is, you're correct, and comparative suffering tells us that being temporarily in a rut isn't quite so bad) then take comfort that all is not lost and I think you can still do a lot with this and transform it into a stellar essay.

If you condense the first paragraph and instead extrapolate with anecdote on one, or both, of those experiences you had in your second paragraph, it would deliver a much stronger punch.

Vivid detail and reflection will be key, as well as consistently linking your experiences to your desire to advocate.

FWIW you've got all the substance here one could possibly need for a great PS, it just needs better structure and revising at the sentence level.

(Also don't call yourself or your conclusions cliche, even if they are. The one thing worse than seeming common is unsure.)

Drivenbutunsure
Posts: 3
Joined: Fri Nov 25, 2011 12:29 pm

Re: Advice would be greatly appreciated

Postby Drivenbutunsure » Fri Nov 25, 2011 3:46 pm

Hey thanks so much for your help fanellex. Once again you confirmed nearly exactly what I thought and added some helpful tips. I'm gonna do a thorough revising of the second PS and see where I am at that point.




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