My first attempt . . . is it too dark? Please tear it up.

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
rbaker36
Posts: 6
Joined: Fri Nov 11, 2011 7:38 pm

My first attempt . . . is it too dark? Please tear it up.

Postby rbaker36 » Thu Nov 24, 2011 9:36 pm

I appreciate all the feedback!
Last edited by rbaker36 on Sun Nov 27, 2011 2:57 am, edited 1 time in total.

AriGoldButNicer
Posts: 367
Joined: Sun Oct 09, 2011 2:19 pm

Re: My first attempt . . . is it too dark? Please tear it up.

Postby AriGoldButNicer » Thu Nov 24, 2011 10:22 pm

I like it-Only complaints are where you go for emotion. The story continues makes you sound like a self righteous im so interesting look at me sob. Exclamation points are lame, but I don't think it's dark. You saved a family...seems kind of bright.

rbaker36
Posts: 6
Joined: Fri Nov 11, 2011 7:38 pm

Re: My first attempt . . . is it too dark? Please tear it up.

Postby rbaker36 » Thu Nov 24, 2011 10:58 pm

I appreciate the feedback. I wasn't trying to be arrogant; just trying to explain what brought me to the point I'm at now.

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franklyscarlet
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Joined: Mon Jun 13, 2011 10:16 pm

Re: My first attempt . . . is it too dark? Please tear it up.

Postby franklyscarlet » Thu Nov 24, 2011 11:03 pm

Watch out for words like nefarious- they technically mean what you want them to, but sound bombastic. I think of a cartoon villain. In fact, you can lose a lot of Extraneous adjectives that make this sound strange. Just tell the story.

smokemonsterfromLOST
Posts: 37
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 2:26 am

Re: My first attempt . . . is it too dark? Please tear it up.

Postby smokemonsterfromLOST » Fri Nov 25, 2011 2:12 am

I'd drop the first and last sentence. No need to tell them that you're telling a story - just tell it, which you already do well.

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Michaela
Posts: 183
Joined: Tue Dec 28, 2010 12:20 am

Re: My first attempt . . . is it too dark? Please tear it up.

Postby Michaela » Fri Nov 25, 2011 5:25 pm

I usually hate most PSs on here but I actually really like this, it's a really good direction. Some modifiers are unnecessary and border on the melodramatic but I wish you the best of luck! Where are you applying?

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rinkrat19
Posts: 13918
Joined: Sat Sep 25, 2010 5:35 am

Re: My first attempt . . . is it too dark? Please tear it up.

Postby rinkrat19 » Fri Nov 25, 2011 7:45 pm

I'm reading on a phone so I can't tell for sure: how long is this? It seems very long. (Most schools ask for 2-3 pages, double-spaced.)

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Bronte
Posts: 2128
Joined: Sun Jan 04, 2009 10:44 pm

Re: My first attempt . . . is it too dark? Please tear it up.

Postby Bronte » Fri Nov 25, 2011 8:28 pm

The content is solid, but you're trying too hard stylistically. Drop the first and last sentence. Drop the wordiness throughout. For example:

rbaker36 wrote:John Doe was 41 years old when he became the catalyst for me to reconsider a childhood dream of becoming a lawyer.


Would read better as:

rbaker36 wrote:John Doe was 41 years old when I shot him. His death caused me to reconsider becoming a lawyer.


And:

rbaker36 wrote:He and I had never met until our chance encounter on September XX, 20XX – the day he tried to murder his estranged wife, their children, my police officers, and me. His nefarious actions compelled me to react with deadly force and, ultimately, I took his life.


Would be better as:

rbaker36 wrote:He and I had never met until our chance encounter on September XX, 20XX, the day he tried to kill his estranged wife, their children, my fellow police officers, and me. His nefarious actions compelled me to react with deadly force and, ultimately, I took his life.

bruss
Posts: 470
Joined: Tue May 24, 2011 3:58 am

Re: My first attempt . . . is it too dark? Please tear it up.

Postby bruss » Fri Nov 25, 2011 8:59 pm

Take out this part

"My mother had encouraged it years and years ago when, in junior high school, I had been accepted into the National Honor Society for academic excellence"

doesn't fit that well and is unnecessary. If you take it out tht para will read much better.

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: My first attempt . . . is it too dark? Please tear it up.

Postby kublaikahn » Sat Nov 26, 2011 2:58 am

You write well. But I feel like you are over selling. Take the part about the Marine Corp out, its in the resume. And get rid of the Nietzsche quote, it is used out of context and, IMO, incorrectly. I believe he was talking about the pointlessness of human existence and the evil you yourself bring forth when you see the world in black and white, good and evil (as you demonstrated based on your city manager story.)

Deliver this story with great brevity and write how you speak (things you would actually say, not literally how you would speak).




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