Ready to submit ps. Any careless mistakes?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
laurgirl
Posts: 30
Joined: Fri Nov 04, 2011 2:53 pm

Ready to submit ps. Any careless mistakes?

Postby laurgirl » Thu Nov 24, 2011 9:24 am

Edited version down below.
Last edited by laurgirl on Thu Nov 24, 2011 4:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Ready to submit ps. Any careless mistakes?

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Nov 24, 2011 10:34 am

You want to "...help convicted criminals understand how the law works and the consequences of their actions" ?


I think that they already know & understand these concepts.

P.S. I suspect that convicted criminals want two things: a job & free legal advice to help overturn their convictions.

thederangedwang
Posts: 1124
Joined: Tue Jul 12, 2011 9:44 pm

Re: Ready to submit ps. Any careless mistakes?

Postby thederangedwang » Thu Nov 24, 2011 11:30 am

you might not like what im going to say, but i dont think this ps is ready for submission.

The actual content, in my opinion needs work. As is, over half of the personal statement is dedicated to describing somebody other than yourself....this is simply too much space for another person, even if that person has affected your outlook on life profoundly.

I would suggest you cut down your description of your grandfather to 1 paragraph.

In addition, there ARE a few grammar problems

Every Saturday I would reluctantly crawl out of the guest bed, slowly edging my way toward the kitchen for a bowl of Nana’s porridge.


it is my opinion that it would flow better if it read

"Every Saturday I would reluctantly crawl out of the guest bed and slowly edge my way toward the kitchen....."

its best not to switch tenses...especially since you're doing the switch in the middle of a sentence.

In addition, there is a bunch of unncessary fluff you can cut out which can help you cut down on your description of your grandpa.

Every Saturday I would reluctantly crawl out of the guest bed, slowly edging my way toward the kitchen for a bowl of Nana’s porridge. Saturday morning had become a familiar routine: drop Grandpa off at what I referred to as “the mysterious big stone chapel,” run errands with Nana, make my way through the McDonald’s play place while Nana sipped on coffee with Gina the Pilot, and then retrace our steps back to the chapel. Only when I was older did it begin to strike me as odd (realize) that my grandfather had been going to church on Saturday, a day early.


everthing that is bolded can be deleted. I substitued the word realized for the phrase "it begin to strike me as odd"

CanadianWolf
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Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Ready to submit ps. Any careless mistakes?

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Nov 24, 2011 11:32 am

CONSIDER: "Every Saturday I reluctantly crawled out of the guest bed...".

P.S. I agree that this PS is not ready for submission primarily due to content.

laurgirl
Posts: 30
Joined: Fri Nov 04, 2011 2:53 pm

Re: Ready to submit ps. Any careless mistakes?

Postby laurgirl » Thu Nov 24, 2011 2:56 pm

--
Last edited by laurgirl on Fri Nov 25, 2011 9:36 am, edited 1 time in total.

laurgirl
Posts: 30
Joined: Fri Nov 04, 2011 2:53 pm

Re: Ready to submit ps. Any careless mistakes?

Postby laurgirl » Thu Nov 24, 2011 4:13 pm

--
Last edited by laurgirl on Fri Nov 25, 2011 5:57 pm, edited 5 times in total.

thederangedwang
Posts: 1124
Joined: Tue Jul 12, 2011 9:44 pm

Re: Ready to submit ps. Any careless mistakes?

Postby thederangedwang » Thu Nov 24, 2011 4:19 pm

this is better, im going to enjoy my thanksgiving now so i cant give u detailed comments, but i like the changes

tjos
Posts: 30
Joined: Mon Nov 14, 2011 7:22 pm

Re: Ready to submit ps. Any careless mistakes?

Postby tjos » Thu Nov 24, 2011 6:32 pm

What's the rule of thumb as far as labeling your personal statement within the word document?

Is "Personal Statement" or your name/date/whatever necessary or should you just start on line one with your statement?

smokemonsterfromLOST
Posts: 37
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 2:26 am

Re: Ready to submit ps. Any careless mistakes?

Postby smokemonsterfromLOST » Fri Nov 25, 2011 2:09 am

laurgirl wrote:“see the good in people”,


Punctuation should go inside quotation marks. Also, FWIW, the admissions dean at Yale has written publicly about hating the word 'endeavour.' (A word that you should spell in the American style, incidentally.)

Some of your sentences are a bit long and your use of commas not always correct. Read it out loud to yourself to hear where the punctuation naturally falls.

laurgirl
Posts: 30
Joined: Fri Nov 04, 2011 2:53 pm

Re: Ready to submit ps. Any careless mistakes?

Postby laurgirl » Fri Nov 25, 2011 5:59 pm

EDIT


Every Saturday I would reluctantly crawl out of the guest bed and slowly edge my way toward the kitchen for a bowl of Nana’s porridge. Saturday morning had become a familiar routine: drop Grandpa off at “the mysterious big stone chapel”, run errands with Nana, make my way through the McDonald’s play place, and then retrace our steps back to the chapel. Only when I was older did I realize that my grandfather had been going to church on Saturday, a day early. It turned out he was not there to worship. He had launched what rapidly developed into a proactive organization aimed at helping convicted criminals get back on their feet. While the group provided food and employment opportunities, for the most part he was there to talk. Through informal one-on-one conversations he would help previously incarcerated men and women take stock of the life experiences that had propelled them into criminal activity and offer them the opportunity to change life-long patterns of unlawful behaviour. On account of my grandfather’s relentless message of change and refusal to define the participants solely on past mistakes, many of the offenders were able to turn their lives around.

The image of my very religious and conservative grandfather surrounded by ex-cons may have been hard to picture, but it was easy to understand. Through his work, he instilled in me two important life lessons which guide me to this day. The first being that one should always see the good in people; the second that in order to change, people need an opportunity. Throughout my life, I have come to share my grandfather’s empathy for those who have made past mistakes. Like him, I have witnessed the transformative effect that an opportunity, along with a supportive role model, can have on an individual. My personal experience with a close friend who is also a convicted criminal, confirms in my mind that every individual is capable of change. These beliefs have sparked my interest in law. I have come to recognize the importance of not only successfully defending the wrongly accused or effectively arguing the case of an innocent victim, but providing rights to those otherwise disregarded by society due to past mistakes.

However, I believe I can do more than provide troubled individuals with their fundamental rights; in so much as a law degree is a practical tool for fighting injustice it is an equally effective instrument of change. The stereotype of criminals being unchangeable and undeserving of our help is a major issue in society and I am interested in using my knowledge from a degree in law as a vehicle for working with organizations similar to my grandfather’s. This notion of offenders as irreparable stems from the fact that the aftercare system for newly released offenders is essentially non-existent, meaning recidivism is likely. If previously incarcerated men and women had supportive role models, advice, and more options, then perhaps they would not feel forced to return to previous habits. Potentially, this discriminatory perspective that the public holds could be transformed. I believe a legal education will put me in the best position possible to assist newly released criminals, not only by ensuring their rights are not hindered, but by supporting their efforts towards building productive lives.

Since high school, I have been unwavering in my desire to pursue criminal law. My ambitions have been cultivated by this vision of making things happen. Like my grandfather, I would like to give disadvantaged individuals the opportunity to overcome their circumstances and I believe law school will bolster the message I would like to send to my community. With a driving passion in addition to a solid foundation of perseverance, hard work, and discipline, I believe I possess the background necessary for success in law school.

smokemonsterfromLOST
Posts: 37
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 2:26 am

Re: Ready to submit ps. Any careless mistakes?

Postby smokemonsterfromLOST » Fri Nov 25, 2011 6:07 pm

1. I'm skeptical about the first sentence. "Every Saturday" is both too specific and too vague - what timeframe was this in? "reluctantly crawl" is too dramatic - were you literally crawling out of bed? otherwise i recommend avoiding the cliche.

2. big stone chapel”, - you're still leaving punctuation on the wrong side of quotation marks.

laurgirl
Posts: 30
Joined: Fri Nov 04, 2011 2:53 pm

Re: Ready to submit ps. Any careless mistakes?

Postby laurgirl » Fri Nov 25, 2011 6:14 pm

smokemonsterfromLOST wrote:1. I'm skeptical about the first sentence. "Every Saturday" is both too specific and too vague - what timeframe was this in? "reluctantly crawl" is too dramatic - were you literally crawling out of bed? otherwise i recommend avoiding the cliche.

2. big stone chapel”, - you're still leaving punctuation on the wrong side of quotation marks.



1. When I was younger. And I understand why you might think it sounds like a cliche, but I think it sounds better then "get out of bed".

2. I don't know, others have told me to put the comma in the quotation marks so I don't know who to listen to.

smokemonsterfromLOST
Posts: 37
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 2:26 am

Re: Ready to submit ps. Any careless mistakes?

Postby smokemonsterfromLOST » Fri Nov 25, 2011 6:26 pm

laurgirl wrote:
smokemonsterfromLOST wrote:1. I'm skeptical about the first sentence. "Every Saturday" is both too specific and too vague - what timeframe was this in? "reluctantly crawl" is too dramatic - were you literally crawling out of bed? otherwise i recommend avoiding the cliche.

2. big stone chapel”, - you're still leaving punctuation on the wrong side of quotation marks.



1. When I was younger. And I understand why you might think it sounds like a cliche, but I think it sounds better then "get out of bed".

2. I don't know, others have told me to put the comma in the quotation marks so I don't know who to listen to.


1. Maybe drop the first sentence then? Or contrast it with how most kids spent their Saturdays watching cartoons? "Most children spent their Saturday mornings glued to the television; my Saturday morning routine was different..."

2. Listen to the admissions dean at Yale - http://blogs.law.yale.edu/blogs/admissi ... users.aspx. :P

thederangedwang
Posts: 1124
Joined: Tue Jul 12, 2011 9:44 pm

Re: Ready to submit ps. Any careless mistakes?

Postby thederangedwang » Fri Nov 25, 2011 7:21 pm

definitely place the comma outside the quotation marks....u r writing in american. not british english

laurgirl
Posts: 30
Joined: Fri Nov 04, 2011 2:53 pm

Re: Ready to submit ps. Any careless mistakes?

Postby laurgirl » Fri Nov 25, 2011 10:26 pm

I'm Canadian.

thederangedwang
Posts: 1124
Joined: Tue Jul 12, 2011 9:44 pm

Re: Ready to submit ps. Any careless mistakes?

Postby thederangedwang » Sat Nov 26, 2011 12:34 am

laurgirl wrote:I'm Canadian.

r the law schools u r applying to using american english?

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: Ready to submit ps. Any careless mistakes?

Postby kublaikahn » Sat Nov 26, 2011 1:52 am

Comma goes inside the quotes. But get rid of the quotes. And rewrite the PS. It is not good enough.

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Michaela
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Re: Ready to submit ps. Any careless mistakes?

Postby Michaela » Sat Nov 26, 2011 2:15 am

For the love of god please drop the phrase "nana's porridge." Too trite for words makes me wanna vom.




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