Personal Statement Rough Draft

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
clifflee
Posts: 15
Joined: Sun Dec 26, 2010 2:06 am

Personal Statement Rough Draft

Postby clifflee » Mon Nov 21, 2011 5:56 pm

Since I'm a pretty generic applicant without any great stories for my personal statement, I tried to write about something fairly unique. I would love to hear any criticism, thoughts or corrections anyone may have. Thanks!
Last edited by clifflee on Fri Nov 25, 2011 3:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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salsahips
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Re: Personal Statement Rough Draft

Postby salsahips » Tue Nov 22, 2011 1:02 am

This essay seems to be too much about your family, particularly your grandpa, rather than you. Its not that the topic can't be made into a good PS, its that you're shining the spotlight on the wrong aspect of your story.

Yes, you want to tell a story of you following your heart rather a midst family pressure. But tell more of your story.


Also, your first sentence, the quote, seems very disjointed. It states that you're going to be a doctor and a lawyer, but you never tie in you becoming a doctor. You might want to rethink that.



And just as a back up, you might want to mull over your experiences and see if there is another topic you might be able to write about. Whether it is somehow related to what you're already writing about or some entirely new approach. I don't know if this was your first topic choice, but sometimes you can jump on the first idea without realizing you have better topics.

clifflee
Posts: 15
Joined: Sun Dec 26, 2010 2:06 am

Re: Personal Statement Rough Draft

Postby clifflee » Wed Nov 23, 2011 1:14 pm

Thanks for the advice. Any other comments?

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TrojanHopeful
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Re: Personal Statement Rough Draft

Postby TrojanHopeful » Wed Nov 23, 2011 1:27 pm

I like this statement.

Your opening quote infers that your grandpa was not satisfied with your decision on becoming an attorney; he still wants you to become a medical doctor. If that is what you are trying to get across, I think it worked just fine. I guess you could elaborate on it a little bit, but I prefer styles in which thoughts aren't so direct.

Just a few thoughts on the following...

I have to admit that I passively accepted this career path for some time; however my feelings abruptly changed when I took my first anatomy class in high school. I realized I had absolutely no interest in memorizing body parts or learning physiology. Instead, I found myself casting my anatomy atlases aside for business and economics books. Not long after, I decided to attend _____ _______ University andstudy finance and mathematics, which had always been another passion of mine.



1) I don't think it is necessary to name the university; they can look at your resume and transcript for that. The sentence will flow better without naming it.

2) You say "another passion." What was your "other" passion? Economics? I would replace "another" with "a" or something to that nature.

CanadianWolf
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Re: Personal Statement Rough Draft

Postby CanadianWolf » Wed Nov 23, 2011 2:03 pm

Overall, this is a very strong personal statement. Clarity of thought expressed in crisp, clear sentences in an organized matter should make this essay stand out.

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TrojanHopeful
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Re: Personal Statement Rough Draft

Postby TrojanHopeful » Wed Nov 23, 2011 2:05 pm

CanadianWolf wrote:Overall, this is a very strong personal statement. Clarity of thought expressed in crisp, clear sentences in an organized matter should make this essay stand out.


Agreed.

clifflee
Posts: 15
Joined: Sun Dec 26, 2010 2:06 am

Re: Personal Statement Rough Draft

Postby clifflee » Wed Nov 23, 2011 7:56 pm

Thanks, you've all been very helpful so far. Anyone else interested in providing their thoughts?

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
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Re: Personal Statement Rough Draft

Postby kublaikahn » Wed Nov 23, 2011 11:41 pm

This is mediocre at best. The timing is all messed up. Your conversation with grapdpa is more recent that when you let your family in on the decision, correct? The way you have written this is confusing.

The best takeaways, which I like, are that you do what you want and that you have an endearing relationship with your grandfather. But there is not much else here. In this much space you should be able to tell us more.

I became extremely fascinated with the intricacies of the law and even more interested at the ways in which we can apply them.
I would avoid adjectives like "extremely". Instead of describing your fascination with intricacies (what does that mean) why don't you explain what fascinated you? For example, "As I read the cases, I teased out the stories that were going on behind the record and they fascinated me. In one case, .... "

I found myself casting my anatomy atlases aside for business and economics books.
Did this really happen? You cast your high school text aside and did some self-led Econ reading? Doesn't seem credible. Is this meant as a metaphor?

smokemonsterfromLOST
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 2:26 am

Re: Personal Statement Rough Draft

Postby smokemonsterfromLOST » Fri Nov 25, 2011 2:02 am

clifflee wrote: Furthermore, it will allow me to build upon my education in finance, especially in terms of corporate law as well as contribute to the community on a deeper level.


This is a clunky sentence grammatically and logically. It's not clear how being a corporate lawyer will help you 'contribute to the community on a deeper level.' Unless, of course, you mean the community of corporations...

clifflee
Posts: 15
Joined: Sun Dec 26, 2010 2:06 am

Re: Personal Statement Rough Draft

Postby clifflee » Fri Nov 25, 2011 3:34 pm

Thanks everyone. I appreciate all of the feedback.




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