Very raw first draft, pls critique structure grammar,content

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
gilkile
Posts: 74
Joined: Sun Nov 20, 2011 6:06 pm

Very raw first draft, pls critique structure grammar,content

Postby gilkile » Sun Nov 20, 2011 8:03 pm

Ten years ago I was a smart energetic kid who couldn’t stay out of trouble if you paid me. In fact as a young teen, I was offered strong monetary incentives to alter some of my self - destructive behavior to no avail. I was a strong-minded, defiant kid, who lacked a sense of respect for authority, the law, or any set of guidelines. My real problem was that I couldn’t control myself. I acted on impulse. There was almost no thought process whatsoever prior to my actions. I did what I saw fit, without bothering to foresee the consequences of my decisions. I was at the top of the class academically, but near the bottom behaviorally. Needless to say I caused my parents and teachers much heartache and anguish. I was tremendously bothered by my actions as well, I wanted more than anyone else to correct my behavior, but had limited success doing so, for a number of years due to my extremely difficult struggles with impulsivity.
I began smoking cigarettes at age 12. I quickly became addicted and smoked between two and two and a half packs a day. More than anything else in life, I wanted to quit smoking, because I recognized the fact that smoking had become my life, and there was a lot more that I wanted from life, than smoking. I tried quitting many times and ironically I wasn’t successful until I became of legal age to purchase cigarettes, at age 18. I have been clean for nearly 3 yrs now. Quitting smoking did wonders for me. Quitting smoking became the springboard from which I transformed myself as a person. I used quitting smoking as a model for correcting other behaviors. My struggles in life were no different than my struggles with smoking. I was foregoing the consequences of my actions for perceived momentary pleasure. After quitting smoking it didn’t take long before I began to completely eradicate the impulsive urge that had previously governed my mind . Quitting smoking gave me the sense of accomplishment I sorely needed. I always had strong beliefs in myself, but it was my beliefs coupled with the sense of accomplishment I felt after achieving my goal, that have fueled the powerfully purposeful person I am today.
Working on my personality tendencies is what endeared me to the study of law. In order to overcome my behavioral deficiencies, I was forced to entertain other people’s perspective on issues I thought I was correct about. This was the beginning of a shift from me being an impulsive decision maker, to my current sophisticated way of thinking. I have become extremely open minded. I strive for truth as my objective in every aspect of my life. Law has become a big part of my life. My perspective on law has shifted from that of a child who despises the law, to that of a man that is intrigued tremendously by the nuances and fascinating aspects of law, and one who is a true student of the law.
I have become a tirelessly hard worker; dead-set on achieving goals I set for myself. I am a perfectionist by nature, so no challenge is easy. I thrive when challenged and believe I can accomplish anything I set my mind to. These traits are apparent in my academic accomplishments, 3.93 CGPA, as well as in my current job where I routinely work 50+ hours a week. I push myself hard in my physical fitness as well, where I am dedicated to devoting time to daily workouts. I am looking forward to the study of law, and through my life’s experiences I intend on working my hardest to seek, defend and uphold the truth.

User avatar
paratactical
Posts: 5961
Joined: Wed Feb 04, 2009 1:06 pm

Re: Very raw first draft, pls critique structure grammar,content

Postby paratactical » Sun Nov 20, 2011 8:20 pm

Quitting smoking as an example of how you can address your goals is not a bad topic, but this is really awkwardly written. You repeat yourself a lot and when you do, you're not giving us important details or teaching us about yourself.

Just look at your first paragraph and cut out what's repetitive.

Ten years ago I was a smart energetic kid who couldn’t stay out of trouble if you paid me. In fact as a young teen, I was offered strong monetary incentives to alter some of my self - destructive behavior to no avail. As a child, I was a strong-minded, defiant kid, who lacked a sense of respect for authority, the law, or any set of guidelines. My real problem was that I couldn’t control myself; I acted on impulse. There was almost no thought process whatsoever prior to my actions. I did what I saw fit, without bothering to foresee the consequences of my decisions. I was at the top of the class academically, but near the bottom behaviorally. Needless to say I caused my parents and teachers much heartache and anguish. I was tremendously bothered by my actions as well, I wanted more than anyone else to correct my behavior. but had limited success doing so, for For a number of years due to my extremely , I haddifficult struggles with impulsivity.


Which leaves you with:

As a child, I was a strong-minded, defiant kid, who lacked a sense of respect for authority, the law, or any set of guidelines. I couldn’t control myself; I acted on impulse. I was at the top of the class academically, but near the bottom behaviorally. I caused my parents and teachers much heartache and anguish. I wanted more than anyone else to correct my behavior. For a number of years, I had difficult struggles with impulsivity.


Shorter, to the point, and gets rid of your redundancy problems. Now, take that same perspective to the rest of your essay and you'll find that you have room to either 1) elaborate on smoking and, in doing so, on who you are or 2) give other examples of how you've reformed.

gilkile
Posts: 74
Joined: Sun Nov 20, 2011 6:06 pm

Re: Very raw first draft, pls critique structure grammar,content

Postby gilkile » Sun Nov 20, 2011 8:27 pm

paratactical wrote:Quitting smoking as an example of how you can address your goals is not a bad topic, but this is really awkwardly written. You repeat yourself a lot and when you do, you're not giving us important details or teaching us about yourself.

Just look at your first paragraph and cut out what's repetitive.

Ten years ago I was a smart energetic kid who couldn’t stay out of trouble if you paid me. In fact as a young teen, I was offered strong monetary incentives to alter some of my self - destructive behavior to no avail. As a child, I was a strong-minded, defiant kid, who lacked a sense of respect for authority, the law, or any set of guidelines. My real problem was that I couldn’t control myself; I acted on impulse. There was almost no thought process whatsoever prior to my actions. I did what I saw fit, without bothering to foresee the consequences of my decisions. I was at the top of the class academically, but near the bottom behaviorally. Needless to say I caused my parents and teachers much heartache and anguish. I was tremendously bothered by my actions as well, I wanted more than anyone else to correct my behavior. but had limited success doing so, for For a number of years due to my extremely , I haddifficult struggles with impulsivity.


Which leaves you with:

As a child, I was a strong-minded, defiant kid, who lacked a sense of respect for authority, the law, or any set of guidelines. I couldn’t control myself; I acted on impulse. I was at the top of the class academically, but near the bottom behaviorally. I caused my parents and teachers much heartache and anguish. I wanted more than anyone else to correct my behavior. For a number of years, I had difficult struggles with impulsivity.


Shorter, to the point, and gets rid of your redundancy problems. Now, take that same perspective to the rest of your essay and you'll find that you have room to either 1) elaborate on smoking and, in doing so, on who you are or 2) give other examples of how you've reformed.


Thanks, very true. More than anything i wanted to know if the topic was ok. I knew the structure and content wasn't great. I appreciate all the help! keep it coming!

User avatar
DaftAndDirect
Posts: 381
Joined: Fri Jan 28, 2011 4:28 pm

Re: Very raw first draft, pls critique structure grammar,content

Postby DaftAndDirect » Sun Nov 20, 2011 8:36 pm

If you are dead set on using this as your PS topic then you need to talk more about the process of actually quitting smoking. You basically say that you:

1. Started off as an irresponsible and impulsive person
2. Became addicted to smoking at an early age.
3. Ta-daaa you succeeded in quitting and everything is awesome.

The reason everyone watches Rocky movies is for the training montage, not just for the knockout punch in the last few minutes of the film. You should consider this when choosing what aspects of your PS to embellish upon.

The following sentences and/or phrases should be deleted, and similar sentences should be excluded from all future drafts:

1. "This was the beginning of a shift from me being an impulsive decision maker, to my current sophisticated way of thinking." This sophisticated way of thinking line is what sinks the sentence. Sounds completely unsophisticated really.

2. " powerfully purposeful person" Alliteration like this is unlikely to score you points on your app.

3. "Law has become a big part of my life." O really? Do tell. But you don't.

4. "and one who is a true student of the law." You're not a student of the law. That's why you're applying to law school.

5. "and believe I can accomplish anything I set my mind to" This is probably the worst cliche you can throw in any personal statement - law school, med school, dental school, etc.

6. "3.93 CGPA, as well as in my current job where I routinely work 50+ hours a week" Adcomms will see your GPA on your transcripts. Don't cite it here. Also, the reference to 50+ hours a week needs to go.

7. "I push myself hard in my physical fitness as well, where I am dedicated to devoting time to daily workouts." This is not important to your application.


Good luck man.

gilkile
Posts: 74
Joined: Sun Nov 20, 2011 6:06 pm

Re: Very raw first draft, pls critique structure grammar,content

Postby gilkile » Sun Nov 20, 2011 8:48 pm

DaftAndDirect wrote:If you are dead set on using this as your PS topic then you need to talk more about the process of actually quitting smoking. You basically say that you:

1. Started off as an irresponsible and impulsive person
2. Became addicted to smoking at an early age.
3. Ta-daaa you succeeded in quitting and everything is awesome.

The reason everyone watches Rocky movies is for the training montage, not just for the knockout punch in the last few minutes of the film. You should consider this when choosing what aspects of your PS to embellish upon.

The following sentences and/or phrases should be deleted, and similar sentences should be excluded from all future drafts:

1. "This was the beginning of a shift from me being an impulsive decision maker, to my current sophisticated way of thinking." This sophisticated way of thinking line is what sinks the sentence. Sounds completely unsophisticated really.

2. " powerfully purposeful person" Alliteration like this is unlikely to score you points on your app.

3. "Law has become a big part of my life." O really? Do tell. But you don't.

4. "and one who is a true student of the law." You're not a student of the law. That's why you're applying to law school.

5. "and believe I can accomplish anything I set my mind to" This is probably the worst cliche you can throw in any personal statement - law school, med school, dental school, etc.

6. "3.93 CGPA, as well as in my current job where I routinely work 50+ hours a week" Adcomms will see your GPA on your transcripts. Don't cite it here. Also, the reference to 50+ hours a week needs to go.

7. "I push myself hard in my physical fitness as well, where I am dedicated to devoting time to daily workouts." This is not important to your application.


Good luck man.


Thanks. This was written really quickly, "teenaged" comment very true. All ur points were well taken . Appreciate it.




Return to “Law School Personal Statements”

Who is online

The online users are hidden on this forum.