Almost Final PS -- Please critique!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
onefatbovine
Posts: 32
Joined: Thu Nov 17, 2011 6:51 pm

Almost Final PS -- Please critique!

Postby onefatbovine » Sat Nov 19, 2011 10:01 pm

Removed for editing!
Last edited by onefatbovine on Wed Nov 23, 2011 12:41 am, edited 1 time in total.

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FishOil
Posts: 79
Joined: Fri Aug 27, 2010 7:06 pm

Re: Almost Final PS -- Please critique!

Postby FishOil » Sat Nov 19, 2011 10:54 pm

I like the first two paragraphs and the story/message they tell. At one point you say "the Sergio" instead of Sergio. Also, "I control my destiny." seems unnecessary to me and would just cut it completely.

The time transition in the 3rd paragraph is a little confusing. When you went from "I vowed to apply" to "After I graduated" I thought Peru was before graduation. Not until the end of that paragraph do I realize the timing of everything. (Maybe something more like "When I had first graduated college"?). Also the sentence that starts "at the time, I was interested..." is a bit long and throws a lot of thoughts at me. Consider breaking it up a bit and showing how the whole copyrights/legal issues work into the position (what do you do as a content operations analyst? ).

The next couple of paragraphs seem a little rushed and general ("some of the most innovative"). I would fit your view on innovation and progress specifically into the new responsibilities that you took on.

I like where you are going in the conclusion, but would try to tie everything together a little more.

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: Almost Final PS -- Please critique!

Postby kublaikahn » Sun Nov 20, 2011 8:32 pm

When innovation loses so does society.


What does this mean? How can innovation lose? Do you mean Society loses when innovation is stifled. The complexity of copyright law limits the development of new platforms and technologies. This paper could be alright, but the writing technique is not ready for prime time.

Despite all of this, the only thing I could focus on was the corner of my tent...As I sat in the tent staring at the corner,...


What's up with the corner of the tent. Do you mean you were missing the moment because you were pissed off at your friend? This is not cute. The way you write confuses the reader and makes her search for where you are going. You should make it more clear.

Exotic means foreign in the context of animals. But when you are in the wild, the fauna of the area are never foreign. You are actually the exotic one in this context.


I was perfectly capable of getting my questions answered on my own. Things could not, and would not, always be handed to me. If I wanted something, I should be able to get it myself without the fear of failure. I control my destiny.
Isn't this a bit of overkill--and overly dramatic? You acknowledged that you ought to assert your independence. If that was an epiphany for you, you should probably explain why.

onefatbovine
Posts: 32
Joined: Thu Nov 17, 2011 6:51 pm

Re: Almost Final PS -- Please critique!

Postby onefatbovine » Mon Nov 21, 2011 9:08 pm

Thanks for the feedback. I'm working on revising at the moment!

onefatbovine
Posts: 32
Joined: Thu Nov 17, 2011 6:51 pm

Re: Almost Final PS -- Please critique!

Postby onefatbovine » Tue Nov 22, 2011 2:34 am

All around us were lush greenery, fresh air, exotic wildlife, and the most picturesque view of the Andes Mountains—truly a once-in-a-lifetime experience.


Any thoughts on using "were" vs. "was" in this sentence? I think "were" is grammatically correct, but it just sounds wrong to me.

smokemonsterfromLOST
Posts: 37
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 2:26 am

Re: Almost Final PS -- Please critique!

Postby smokemonsterfromLOST » Fri Nov 25, 2011 1:31 am

onefatbovine wrote:
All around us were lush greenery, fresh air, exotic wildlife, and the most picturesque view of the Andes Mountains—truly a once-in-a-lifetime experience.


Any thoughts on using "were" vs. "was" in this sentence? I think "were" is grammatically correct, but it just sounds wrong to me.


I'd revise the sentence to get around this problem. 'We were surrounded by ...' or 'X, Y, and Z surrounded us...' sound better anyway.




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