My personal statement revised, please critque!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
b33eazy
Posts: 146
Joined: Sun Jul 04, 2010 6:43 pm

My personal statement revised, please critque!

Postby b33eazy » Sat Nov 19, 2011 1:27 pm

Unlike most children, I was not afraid to ride my bike without the training wheels because of a scraped knee or bruised ego. I was afraid to ride my bike because of my father and his abusive wrath. During my childhood, I was physically and emotionally abused by my father, which made me feel I had little value. The teasing of my classmates deepened these fears; the combination of these abuses ultimately led me to habitually skip school and eventually fail out of high school. In contrast to this scared boy, I am now a man capable of forging his own way and eager to advocate for others through the law.
After failing out of high school, I came to the realization that I failed myself. It was up to me to choose my own destiny, not others. I realized that it was time for me to take control of my life. I decided that I wanted to get a GED and go to college and get a degree. I knew I had to take my education seriously to accomplish that goal, so I would study at least three hours, five days a week. I acquired these skills needed to become a successful student and that allowed me to obtain my GED. Then I enrolled in college after receiving my GED to pursue my bachelor’s degree. I was in search of my voice to become the man who fights for others. I studied hard in my classes and set realistic goals for myself. I would spend long nights studying for my exams because I knew I could excel in anything I wanted. I now thirst for knowledge and seek to learn as much as I can. In addition, I am the type of student who would ask my professors an abundance of questions in my classes. As a matter of fact, all my professors know me by name and remember me as such because of my newly inspired vibrant nature. I’ve done well academically since. My grade point average increased exponentially because my perception changed.
I worked so hard in school because I had a passion for law. My passion came from my business law class. I always was intrigued by the legal system and how it worked. I wanted to know why companies needed contracts to form a business and how business needed the legal system to operate. However, when my professor played the Smartest Guys in the Room, which is a film about the Enron scandal and how they misrepresented their earnings and embezzled money from employees’ retirement funds. I was intrigued how it would be legal for Enron to have in house auditors to audit them under the legal system because I would assume that would be a conflict of interest. My professor explained to me how it was possible and the laws that needed to be changed so similar corruption could no longer happen. It was my business law professor who helped with my legal knowledge and his assistance was what made me fall in love with wanting to know and enact the law. I learned how I could have fought for those employees who lost their retirement funds due to corruption using the law as my tool. I ascertained a passion for law from his class and I wanted to learn more.
In my business law class, my professor told me I was his brightest student, and I work harder than any other student he’s had. When he asked his students to read a case brief, I was one of the few students who read it, and I asked questions so I could have a better understanding of it. His positive feedback reinforced that my new outlook on my life was working for me. It showed me that I am intelligent and capable of being successful. I was an active student and did so well that at times I would help my classmates as well. I overcame the abuse, and I am working so hard to achieve my goal of becoming an attorney.
My passion to fight derived from being unable to fight for myself. I realized that I can fight for myself and win, so I want to fight for others who are unable to fight or struggle to fight. I realized the reason why I always wanted to be an attorney: fight for people without a voice. I want to fight for them through the law. I want to fight for people who are incapable of fully understanding the law or are incapable of interpreting the law. The people without a voice or don’t know how to express that voice through the legal environment. Whether that is a medical doctor whom are fighting to keep his business due to a malpractice lawsuit or handling a business transaction for a struggling business seeking to be bought before thousands of workers lose their jobs.

osgiliath
Posts: 133
Joined: Thu May 05, 2011 12:28 am

Re: My personal statement revised, please critque!

Postby osgiliath » Mon Dec 05, 2011 8:24 pm

I like the topic, I think you should focus more on the play between the young boy who could not stand up for himself, the transition, and the young man who learned to stand up for himself and now wants to help others with his unique experience. The specifics about Business Law should be trimmed.

Random things I noticed:

-In the second paragraph, you use "GED" too many times, if you use some pronouns or changed the way you wrote some of those sentences, it would make it sound better.

-Your language really starts to fall apart in the last paragraph

laurgirl
Posts: 30
Joined: Fri Nov 04, 2011 2:53 pm

Re: My personal statement revised, please critque!

Postby laurgirl » Tue Dec 06, 2011 7:19 am

Unlike most children, I was not afraid to ride my bike without the training wheels because of a scraped knee or bruised ego. I was afraid to ride my bike because of my father and his abusive wrath. During my childhood, I was physically and emotionally abused by my father, which made me feel I had little value. The teasing of my classmates deepened these fears; the combination of these abuses ultimately led me to habitually skip school and eventually fail out of high school. In contrast to this scared boy, I am now a man capable of forging his own way and eager to advocate for others through the law.
After failing out of high school, I came to the realization that I failed myself. It was up to me to choose my own destiny, not others. this is cliche. find another way to say it or don't bother with this line..it works just as good if you start with the next line. I realized that it was time for me to take control of my life so I decided that I wanted to get amy GED and subsequently go to a college degree and get a degree. I knew I had to take my education seriously to accomplish that goal, so I would study at least three hours, five days a week. I acquired these skills needednecessary to become a successful student and that allowed me to obtain my GEDflourish. Then I enrolled in college after receiving my GED to pursue my bachelor’s degree. I was in search of my voice to become the man who fights for others -- You say in your next paragraph you developed an interest for law after a business law course..so you couldn't have entered college with this passion. I would just take this sentence out to be honest. . I studied hard in my classes and set realistic goals for myself. I would spend long nights studying for my exams because I knew I could excel in anything I wanted. I now thirst for knowledge and seek to learn as much as I can. In addition, I am the type of student who would ask my professors an abundance of questions in my classes. As a matter of fact, all my professors know me by name and remember me as such because of my newly inspired vibrant nature. I’ve done well academically since. My grade point average increased exponentially because my perception haschanged.
I worked so hard in school because I had a passion for law. My passion came from my business law class. I always was intrigued by the legal system and how it worked. I wanted to know why companies needed contracts to form a business and how business needed the legal system to operate. However, when my professor played the Smartest Guys in the Room, which is a film about the Enron scandal and how they misrepresented their earnings and embezzled money from employees’ retirement funds. I was intrigued how it would be legal for Enron to have in house auditors to audit them under the legal system because I would assume that would be a conflict of interest. My professor explained to me how it was possible and the laws that needed to be changed so similar corruption could no longer happen. It was my business law professor who helped with my legal knowledge and his assistance was what made me fall in love with wanting to know and enact the law. I learned how I could have fought for those employees who lost their retirement funds due to corruption using the law as my tool. I ascertained a passion for law from his class and I wanted to learn more.
In my business law class, my professor told me I was his brightest student, and I work harder than any other student he’s had. When he asked his students to read a case brief, I was one of the few students who read it, and I asked questions so I could have a better understanding of it. His positive feedback reinforced that my new outlook on my life was working for me. It showed me that I am intelligent and capable of being successful. I was an active student and did so well that at times I would help my classmates as well. I overcame the abuse, and I am working so hard to achieve my goal of becoming an attorney.
My passion to fight derived from being unable to fight for myself. I realized that I can fight for myself and win, so I want to fight for others who are unable to fight or struggle to fight. I realized the reason why I always wanted to be an attorney: fight for people without a voice. I want to fight for them through the law. I want to fight for people who are incapable of fully understanding the law or are incapable of interpreting the law. The people without a voice or don’t know how to express that voice through the legal environment. Whether that is a medical doctor whom are fighting to keep his business due to a malpractice lawsuit or handling a business transaction for a struggling business seeking to be bought before thousands of workers lose their jobs.


I think your writing needs some work. It comes off a bit choppy like its almost in bullet points: "I did this, then this, then this, then this". I think there are places when you can combine two of the sentences; this may help a bit. I think the topic is fine, just keep working on the writing. It can be written in a more interesting way and that will make it a much better ps.




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