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(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
hooma
Posts: 213
Joined: Tue Jan 11, 2011 5:33 pm

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Postby hooma » Fri Nov 18, 2011 11:15 pm

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Last edited by hooma on Mon Nov 21, 2011 11:27 am, edited 1 time in total.

JimmysParty
Posts: 48
Joined: Sat Nov 12, 2011 8:02 pm

Re: 2nd Draft - Please Critique!

Postby JimmysParty » Fri Nov 18, 2011 11:48 pm

In general, it seems to me like the statement is more about your brother than yourself. You really only get into selling yourself in the last paragraph. I realize that the information about your brother helps set up the points you will make about yourself later on but I think "set-up" should be minimal and not take up more real estate than the point you are trying to make about yourself.

If I were you I would take all those good points you put in the last paragraph and spread them out over the rest of the paper and use specific experiences to elaborate and "prove" them so it seems like the paper is more about you. Then you can reinforce it all at the end to tie it up.

On a side note: I have personally dealt with close family members with bipolar disorder and depression. I know how it feels and how big of an impact it can have on your life. Is your brother open about it and would he be comfortable about you writing this? I'm not sure how law school admissions people look at this type of essay so you should probably check with someone.

Good luck.

hooma
Posts: 213
Joined: Tue Jan 11, 2011 5:33 pm

Re: 2nd Draft - Please Critique!

Postby hooma » Sat Nov 19, 2011 12:30 am

Thanks for your feedback, trying to make it more about me is something I've been working on but obviously have some more work to do. Is there anything in particular that you felt didn't add anything and could be removed?

I honestly don't know how my brother would react to this, or adcomms. I changed his name here but left it in the original, I'm trying to decide if that would be viewed as an invasion of his privacy. Even without his name it's not like someone who knew exactly who I was wouldn't know exactly who he was by reading this, but maybe that could still be seen as an invasive.




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