Looking for opinions and critiques

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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sikemenow
Posts: 53
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Looking for opinions and critiques

Postby sikemenow » Fri Nov 18, 2011 12:21 pm

Thinking that this may be close to a final draft. Any feedback is greatly appreciated.

------------------------------------------------------------

Personal Statement
 
What is success?  Countless individuals have attempted to define this desirable end over the years.  I myself have pondered this question multiple times as I have moved from high school, to college, to the business world, and now into law school.  As I examine my life up to this point, how I have learned and grown from both mistakes and triumphs, my mind still echoes the sentiment: “What is success?”
I was homeschooled.  For many, that says enough.  I am immediately written off as an ultra-conservative extremist with no semblance of social skills, drive, or knowledge of the world.  The typecast generally equates to a coke-bottle glasses laden cult member whose idea of fun is roller-skating through the park with their seventeen other brothers and sisters. While I did come from a family of nine, I didn’t completely live up to the stereotype.  Competition constantly drove me and consequently the outlet of choice for this trait was athletics.  I grew up playing sports year round, highlighted by memories of early Saturday mornings at the local soccer fields and epic duels of one-on-one against my older brother at the basketball hoop in our front yard.  The early battles engrained in me an appreciation of challenges, a desire for victory, and a drive to excel.  I decided early on to make a goal of obtaining a scholarship for playing college basketball.  However, a distinct disadvantage was mine and out of my control to change: I was homeschooled.  I had no ability to make a name for myself through the local paper, no opportunity to be seen in the national AAU circuit.  My only option was to market myself.  As I began to seek colleges to attend, I also contacted coaches, set up workout opportunities, and did my best to garner a chance for my athletic career.  In the end, I decided to walk-on at The Master’s College, a Division I NAIA school in southern California.  However, in the athletic world where the amount of money you receive generally determines how well you are treated, it was a hard and humbling first year.  However, I approached this difficulty as I always had: as a challenge.  All of my time was spent either in the classroom, the weight room, or the gym, doing everything within my power to earn opportunity.  At the end of my freshman year my hard work was rewarded with an athletic scholarship.  However, I transferred to Dallas Baptist University after my sophomore year because of my desire to be closer to home.  Intent on continuing my basketball career, I sought out the head coach upon arrival and petitioned to be on the squad.  I was denied.  Once more the challenge was mine.  I partnered with a recent graduate who was playing professionally in Europe and we began working out together.  By the following spring, I was rewarded with a spot on the team.  Again, I started at the bottom of the totem pole and spent hours working to be best student-athlete I could be.
As I look back, my athletic career was not all that I initially imagined it to be as an aspiring youngster on the playground.  There were no scoring titles, no all-conference recognitions, and no extraordinary glory for my name.  Maybe the type of notoriety and fame that I thought would be satisfying eluded me, but as I reflect, I know that I had a goal and that I saw that goal through to fruition. I gave everything I had.  I played my role and was the best teammate that I could be.  I learned the value of serving others.  I matured as a student and appreciated the satisfaction of earning a 3.67 grade point average during my final two years in college and a 3.91 during my senior year.  What is success?  I think NFL coach Vince Lombardi summed it up best when he said, “the difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of strength, not a lack of knowledge, but rather in a lack of will.”  I firmly believe that the persistence, hard work, and discipline that I learned throughout my collegiate athletic and academic experience provide the perfect foundation for me to begin the new challenge of law school.  They will allow me to bring a unique perspective to the SMU classroom and enter into a field that fits both my mental aptitudes as a student and my competitive nature as a former athlete, and I look forward with heightened anticipation to committing myself to the successful fruition of this goal as well.

lcw
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Re: Looking for opinions and critiques

Postby lcw » Fri Nov 18, 2011 7:59 pm

Here are some general tips that may help strengthen your personal statement.

* Look at every sentence you have and ask yourself whether it is advancing the themes and topics both in your overall paper and in that specific paragraph. I find there are some sentences that feel like platitudes and aren't doing the heavy lifting that they need to in the statement. For instance, your second sentence, "Countless individuals have attempted to define this desirable end over the years" really does no work in advancing your ultimate point, which is how you have come to understand "success."

* In the same vein as the first suggestion, look at each word or phrase that you use and ask whether you can communicate the same message in fewer words. For example, "I myself have pondered this question multiple times . . . " could be shortened to "I have often considered this question . . . "

* I'm not sure that the first five sentences of your second paragraph really bolster your statement. I sense a somewhat defensive tone in those sentences as if you're pushing back against stereotypes that may or may not even be in the minds of the law school admissions department. This push-back seems unnecessary as the rest of your note really deals much more with your athletic career than your homeschool roots. If you do feel the need to talk about your homeschooling, I would talk about how the experience was for you specifically. As an admissions director, I don't want to read about stereotypes that are likely not representative of the applicant; I want to know about the applicant himself or herself.

* I think you could do more to give a bigger payoff with how you wrap up the theme of success at the end of your statement. One thing you might do is give your own definition of success rather quoting an aphorism. Unpack what it is you have come to realize about success.

* I think more than anything, this sentence: "I firmly believe that the persistence, hard work, and discipline that I learned throughout my collegiate athletic and academic experience provide the perfect foundation for me to begin the new challenge of law school" represents the heart of your personal statement and what it is you're trying to say. Try reworking the paper to make this your thesis at the beginning and work from there. Give specific examples of your persistence; of your hard work; and of your discipline. Talk about why you even want to go to law school. What would it mean for you to have a successful law school experience? To have a successful legal career? Why do you even want to go to law school in the first place? Why not become a basketball coach instead? This is a personal statement for law school, after all.

I hope these tips are helpful. Please let me know if anything I've said is unclear.

hooma
Posts: 213
Joined: Tue Jan 11, 2011 5:33 pm

Re: Looking for opinions and critiques

Postby hooma » Fri Nov 18, 2011 8:28 pm

I very much agree with the above poster and would add that I loved the overall presentation of your statement, but would remove the first paragraph and instead discuss how you pondered success at the end when you were trying to discern if you had acheived it. I also would not talk about your gpa because it has nothing to do with the rest of your statement and is resume re-hashing. Very nit-picky, but I would also change "the weight room, and the gym" to "the weight room, and the court" because, to me, the gym and the weight room are the same thing and it made me pause for a second. Obviously you should do what you want though :)

I think you can have this polished up and ready to go very soon. Great start.

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: Looking for opinions and critiques

Postby kublaikahn » Sat Nov 19, 2011 1:42 am

sikemenow wrote:Thinking that this may be close to a final draft. Any feedback is greatly appreciated.

------------------------------------------------------------

Personal Statement
 
What is success?  Countless individuals have attempted to define this desirable end over the years.  I myself have pondered this question multiple times as I have moved from high school, to college, to the business world, and now into law school.  As I examine my life up to this point, how I have learned and grown from both mistakes and triumphs, my mind still echoes the sentiment: “What is success?”
[Start here] I was homeschooled.  For many, that says enough.  I am immediately written off as an ultra-conservative extremist with no semblance of social skills, drive, or knowledge of the world.  The typecast generally equates to a coke-bottle glasses laden cult member whose idea of fun is roller-skating through the park with their seventeen other brothers and sisters. While I did come from a family of nine, I didn’t completely live up to the stereotype.  Competition constantly drove me and consequently the outlet of choice for this trait was athletics.  I grew up playing sports year round, highlighted by memories of early Saturday mornings at the local soccer fields and epic duels of one-on-one against my older brother at the basketball hoop in our front yard.  The early battles engrained in me an appreciation of challenges, a desire for victory, and a drive to excel.  I decided early on to make a goal of obtaining a scholarship for playing college basketball.  However, a distinct disadvantage was mine and out of my control to change: I was homeschooled.  I had no ability to make a name for myself through the local paper, no opportunity to be seen in the national AAU circuit.  My only option was to market myself.  As I began to seek colleges to attend, I also contacted coaches, set up workout opportunities, and did my best to garner a chance for my athletic career.  In the end, I decided to walk-on at The Master’s College, a Division I NAIA school in southern California.  However, in the athletic world where the amount of money you receive generally determines how well you are treated, it was a hard and humbling first year.  However, I approached this difficulty as I always had: as a challenge.  All of my time was spent either in the classroom, the weight room, or the gym, doing everything within my power to earn opportunity.  At the end of my freshman year my hard work was rewarded with an athletic scholarship.  However, I transferred to Dallas Baptist University after my sophomore year because of my desire to be closer to home.  Intent on continuing my basketball career, I sought out the head coach upon arrival and petitioned to be on the squad.  I was denied.  Once more the challenge was mine.  I partnered with a recent graduate who was playing professionally in Europe and we began working out together.  By the following spring, I was rewarded with a spot on the team.  Again, I started at the bottom of the totem pole and spent hours working to be best student-athlete I could be.
As I look back, my athletic career was not all that I initially imagined it to be as an aspiring youngster on the playground.  There were no scoring titles, no all-conference recognitions, and no extraordinary glory for my name.  Maybe the type of notoriety and fame that I thought would be satisfying eluded me, but as I reflect, I know that I had a goal and that I saw that goal through to fruition. I gave everything I had.  I played my role and was the best teammate that I could be.  I learned the value of serving others.  I matured as a student and appreciated the satisfaction of earning a 3.67 grade point average during my final two years in college and a 3.91 during my senior year.  What is success?  I think NFL coach Vince Lombardi summed it up best when he said, “the difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of strength, not a lack of knowledge, but rather in a lack of will.”  I firmly believe that the persistence, hard work, and discipline that I learned throughout my collegiate athletic and academic experience provide the perfect foundation for me to begin the new challenge of law school.  They will allow me to bring a unique perspective to the SMU classroom and enter into a field that fits both my mental aptitudes as a student and my competitive nature as a former athlete, and I look forward with heightened anticipation to committing myself to the successful fruition of this goal as well.

anewaphorist
Posts: 382
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Re: Looking for opinions and critiques

Postby anewaphorist » Sat Nov 19, 2011 1:56 am

In all honesty, your PS is not bad, and it's not great. Even if you re-work some of the issues mentioned above, it wont unlock any doors that the rest of your application would not. And that's saying something, because you certainly have a diverse life experience that perhaps could get you noticed. But you never make explicit any relation between your athletic history and your legal studies/intellectual interests. Simply saying "I firmly believe" makes us take this relation on faith, which might be your cup of tea, but it's not what adcoms want to see. It's your job to somehow provide reason for this connection--that is, other than your few sentences about hard work, determination, anyotherdesirablecharacteristic.

In general, I had trouble getting past "The Masters College," "Dallas Baptist University," and "NFL coach Vince Lombardi summed it up..." No need to give us a commentary on the specific itinerary of your life, especially if the destinations aren't memorable. To put it a little gentler, you want to highlight your strong factors in the PS. The Lombardi quote only further distances your sports PS from any relation to your academic life. The only way I see an NFL reference working in anyone's PS is if their work experiences involved the labor issues this summer.

Given that the PS, as it stands, won't open many doors currently closed to you, I'm interested to see what law school does bite. A homeschooled applicant that went to an undergrad with the name "Baptist" in it?
Sorry, I just couldn't keep my mouth shut on that last one. I tried so hard, honest.

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sikemenow
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Re: Looking for opinions and critiques

Postby sikemenow » Sat Nov 19, 2011 4:55 pm

Hahaha, dont worry, I've heard every roast imaginable about homeschooling...most of them from myself.

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sikemenow
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Re: Looking for opinions and critiques

Postby sikemenow » Sun Nov 20, 2011 11:15 am

Made a few edits.

If it makes a difference, extra factors that are not included in my PS but are included in my resume pertaining to my athletic experience include international competition vs professional Peruvian basketball teams, ministry in Lurigancho Prison in Peru, international competition vs collegiate Korean teams, moral-boosting service at the Osan US Air Force Base in South Korea, and numerous community service basketball camps for underprivileged kids. However I didn't think that I should rehash these aspects on the PS.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was homeschooled. For many, that says enough. I am immediately written off as an ultra-conservative extremist with no semblance of social skills, drive, or knowledge of the world. The typecast generally equates to a coke-bottle glasses laden cult member whose idea of fun is roller-skating through the park with their seventeen other brothers and sisters. While I did come from a family of nine, I didn’t completely live up to the stereotype. Competition constantly drove me and consequently the outlet of choice for this trait was athletics. I grew up playing sports year round, highlighted by memories of early Saturday mornings at the local soccer fields and epic duels of one-on-one against my older brother at the basketball hoop in our front yard. The early battles engrained in me an appreciation of challenges, a desire for victory, and a drive to excel. I decided early on to make a goal of obtaining a scholarship for playing college basketball. However, a distinct disadvantage was mine and out of my control to change: I was homeschooled. I had no ability to make a name for myself through the local paper, no opportunity to be seen in the national AAU circuit. My only option was to market myself. As I began to seek colleges to attend, I also contacted coaches, set up workout opportunities, and did my best to garner a chance for my athletic career. In the end, I decided to walk-on at a Division I NAIA school in southern California. However, in the athletic world where the amount of money you receive generally determines how well you are treated, it was a hard and humbling first year. Nevertheless, I approached this difficulty as I always had: as a challenge. All of my time was spent either in the classroom, in the weight room, or on the court, doing everything within my power to earn opportunity. At the end of my freshman year my hard work was rewarded with an athletic scholarship. However, I transferred to Dallas Baptist University after my sophomore year because of my desire to be closer to home. Intent on continuing my basketball career, I sought out the head coach upon arrival and petitioned to be on the squad. I was denied. Once more the challenge was mine. I partnered with a recent graduate who was playing professionally in Europe and we began working out together. By the following spring, I was rewarded with a spot on the team. Again, I started at the bottom of the totem pole and worked even harder, voluntarily putting myself through extra workouts in addition to the rigorous practice schedule that the team maintained. My goal was simple: to become the best student-athlete I could be.
As I look back, my athletic career was not all that I initially imagined it to be as an aspiring youngster on the playground. There were no scoring titles, no all-conference recognitions, and no extraordinary glory for my name. Maybe the type of notoriety and fame that I thought would be satisfying eluded me, but as I reflect, I know that I had a goal and that I saw that goal through to fruition. I gave everything I had. I played my role and was the best teammate that I could be. I learned the value of serving others. I matured as a student and as a man. The experiences that have been afforded me throughout my tenure as a collegiate athlete, both on and off the court, have ultimately enabled me to discover the satisfaction of being a part of something bigger than myself and working for the greater good. Law school provides the perfect outlet for the continued fulfillment that accompanies these endeavors. I firmly believe that the persistence, hard work, and discipline that I learned throughout my collegiate athletic and academic experience provide the perfect foundation for me to begin the new challenge of law school. They will allow me to bring a unique perspective to the XYZ classroom and enter into a field that fits not only my mental aptitudes as a student and my competitive nature as an athlete, but also my innate desire to help others as an individual. I therefore look forward with heightened anticipation to committing myself to the successful fruition of this goal as well.

CanadianWolf
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Re: Looking for opinions and critiques

Postby CanadianWolf » Sun Nov 20, 2011 12:49 pm

Based on reading only the second version of your PS, this essay offers little to the reader & needs to be revised with a clear introductory theme. Then I read the introduction to your first offering & noticed that you deleted the entire first paragraph which set forth your theme. Why ?

Regardless of the answer to my question, this remains a very weak essay. After setting out your theme, try to write in clear, concise sentences while avoiding repetition.
Additionally, your writing lacks depth; it is little more than a narrative of an extracurricular interest.

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sikemenow
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Re: Looking for opinions and critiques

Postby sikemenow » Sun Nov 20, 2011 5:42 pm

CanadianWolf wrote:Based on reading only the second version of your PS, this essay offers little to the reader & needs to be revised with a clear introductory theme. Then I read the introduction to your first offering & noticed that you deleted the entire first paragraph which set forth your theme. Why ?

Regardless of the answer to my question, this remains a very weak essay. After setting out your theme, try to write in clear, concise sentences while avoiding repetition.
Additionally, your writing lacks depth; it is little more than a narrative of an extracurricular interest.


How does an essay that demonstratively exemplifies an individual's work ethic and ties it to a trait that all humans possess (that although mankind is naturally selfish, he still possess an innate desire to be a part of something greater than himself) and that also holds implications for future choices (career), lack depth? I understand your comment on clarity and lack of theme which I will work on, but I am curious as to what you define as depth in writing..

CanadianWolf
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Re: Looking for opinions and critiques

Postby CanadianWolf » Sun Nov 20, 2011 7:30 pm

Depth of insights.

anewaphorist
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Re: Looking for opinions and critiques

Postby anewaphorist » Sun Nov 20, 2011 8:10 pm

Depth in writing is going beyond platitudes. I still maintain that your experiences as a disadvantaged basketball hopeful have nothing to do with what law schools want to hear about, unless you really craft an essay that relates it in more depth than, "I tried, and it was an experience, so I know I'll try in law school." The major problem is that, in the few parts of your PS that you try to relate it, you fail by seeking some Tiny Tim connection between your experiences "on the court" and impacting "the greater good" of others--without, I might add, actually discussing how your basketball skills help anyone.

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sikemenow
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Re: Looking for opinions and critiques

Postby sikemenow » Sun Nov 20, 2011 10:43 pm

Fair enough. I appreciate the feedback and I'll see if I can work a different aspect and approach. I'll more than likely come back again for critique.

anewaphorist
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Re: Looking for opinions and critiques

Postby anewaphorist » Tue Nov 22, 2011 11:36 pm

No problem, sorry to be a little harsh, but I think you can do better! And you were soliciting "opinions and critiques." How I see it, you don't ask for anal penetration if you want a blowjob. Keep on writing :)

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sikemenow
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Re: Looking for opinions and critiques

Postby sikemenow » Wed Nov 23, 2011 11:39 am

anewaphorist wrote:No problem, sorry to be a little harsh, but I think you can do better! And you were soliciting "opinions and critiques." How I see it, you don't ask for anal penetration if you want a blowjob. Keep on writing :)


Hahaha, well put.

Quick turn-around, took a little different approach and put this together over the past several days. Still very much a rough draft, but headed more in the right direction?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Personal Statement

He stared up at me from sunken eye sockets, vacant hopelessness written across his features. Bringing a trembling hand up to his face, he buried his nose in his cupped hand, snorted, and leaned back against the wall, not bothering to wipe the remaining cocaine power off of his face. Several feet away, another man had begun to fashion a make-shift tourniquet in preparation for the rusted needle that lay on the ground next to him. On the other side of the wall I heard the intermittent shouting in Spanish and general noise that accompanied my current location. I continued up the path that followed this inner wall towards the inmost part of one of the toughest prisons in the world: San Juan de Lurigancho, Lima, Peru.

I arrived in Peru with a unique opportunity. Recruited to play basketball in international competition against various professional Peruvian teams, we as a club also made it our mission to utilize our status as athletes by taking advantage of numerous service and ministry opportunities. This led not only to various television appearances on the national Peruvian cable network, but also multiple free exhibition games, open skills clinics for children, and this visit to the infamous prison. After putting on one of these an exhibition games, we sat down to have lunch with the inmates themselves and I began to converse with several of the prison leaders through an interpreter.

Built to house only thirty-five hundred inmates, the prison now holds over ten thousand. With only one prison guard per every one hundred inmates, the Peruvian government has relented prison governance to the inmates themselves. Run in democratic format, each of the twenty-one pavilions (or cell blocks) elects a governor by popular vote and governors similarly elect a president. This “board” meets on a regular basis to discuss their prison regulations. Jobs are assigned, rules must be followed, and organization is enforced. Those who do not follow the policies are punished accordingly. The system seems to operate on a relatively effective scale given the circumstances.

However an ugly truth lies beneath. While posing as a cohesive system, a closer look reveals a deep rooted network of exploitation. Money decides everything. Every comfort and pleasure that an inmate could desire is available for the right fiscal amount. Those that have no money suffer the want of everything, even food. The wealthy, however, enjoy more comfortable beds, flat screen TV’s, and own cell phones. In fact, many that own phones use them to continue running the same illegal operations that originally jailed them. But besides commercial comforts, the wealthy use their money to manipulate the less fortunate prison population into submission. For example, the Peruvian police bring the purest drugs on the market to the prison under bribe. These drugs are then used to coerce those dependent on them to adhere to the will of the wealthy. Early releases are awarded to those who can afford them. Those who cannot may never see freedom again. All is bought.

While my time in Lurigancho allowed me the amazing ability to serve and encourage many in need, it also permitted a glimpse of corruption’s degradation upon a society. While the extremity of third-world prison rule can be difficult to relate to modern culture, the need for basic principles such as compassion, honesty, and justice remain the same. Without such characteristics, lives are destroyed and civilization falls into ruin. When all else fails, what is a man left with but his integrity? The desire to pursue these ideals and see them furthered in humanity drives my aspiration for law school. I will be able to pursue a field that aligns with deep-seated convictions I have discovered through first-hand experience. Additionally, my background as an athlete provides me with the solid foundation of persistence, hard work, and discipline required for this endeavor. With a solemn respect in one hand and driving passion in the other, I look forward with heightened anticipation to the learning that will enable me to put my ambitions into practice.

anewaphorist
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Re: Looking for opinions and critiques

Postby anewaphorist » Wed Nov 23, 2011 2:33 pm

OK, the first several paragraphs are MUCH better in this PS. You're still relying a little too much on song-like phrases (i.e., "When all else fails, what else is a man left with but his integrity?"). Overall, though, you've steered your focus away from the bitterness at the homeschool stereotype that dominated your first few drafts. There was one part in the beginning where you said "power" instead of "powder." You also threw in an unnecessary "an" in the last sentence of the 2nd paragraph. I would suggest using "relegated" instead of "relented" in the 3rd paragraph. Everything up until the last paragraph is a fairly solid story; the flow of the paragraphs is infinitely better than your first few drafts.

The only issue I have is how you end the PS:
While the extremity of third-world prison rule can be difficult to relate to modern culture
Use "Western," "American," or "the culture in wealthier countries."

the need for basic principles such as compassion, honesty, and justice remain the same.
Unfortunately, compassion and honesty are not basic principles, and justice is a nebulous concept (and possibly the word adcoms see most in personal statements). Your ambitions, IMHO, are still a little undefined; trying to see these 'principles furthered in all of humanity' is quite an undertaking. If you refine your focus, you've got something here. Maybe you want to see these principles permeate international politics, where the ideology of 'might makes right' is all too prevalent. Or maybe you're interested in human rights law, which would directly bear upon your prison experience. Or maybe you could jump on the OWS bandwagon, relating the hierarchical structure of prisons to the way in which America's wealth has become so concentrated and its unemployment so unevenly distributed (across racial and sociopolitical lines). To summarize, with the exception of a few edits, you just need the finishing touch here: make what you witnessed in Peru relevant to your interests in a unique way. Think about it this way; as you have described it, the ideals your experiences in Peru have instilled are no more unique than those that you would glean by going to any impoverished area of any country or by seeing any single battle in the history of class struggle. Why is your experience different from these generic experiences of suffering, and how has it driven you towards the law? Unfortunate as it is, being a lawyer is not about instilling feel-good principles in the world's population. With all his reach, ability, and appeal, even John Lennon couldn't accomplish that.

Clean up the ending, and you've got a winner, sir.

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sikemenow
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Re: Looking for opinions and critiques

Postby sikemenow » Wed Nov 23, 2011 3:15 pm

Again, thanks for the continued feedback.

anewaphorist wrote:If you refine your focus, you've got something here.


anewaphorist wrote:Think about it this way; as you have described it, the ideals your experiences in Peru have instilled are no more unique than those that you would glean by going to any impoverished area of any country or by seeing any single battle in the history of class struggle. Why is your experience different from these generic experiences of suffering, and how has it driven you towards the law?


In your opinion, would be be too far of a stretch to connect the idea of "might makes right" (as you state it) or the abusive rule of the more powerful, to the Declaration of Independence's statement:

the "whenever Government become obstructive to these ends [Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness], it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness...when a long train of abuses and usurptions, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government and to provide new Guard for their future security."

From that point, connect the value of America's TRUE democratic government system and the desire to study the constitutional law that not only holds the government accountable but also ensures its citizens their rights?

It seems to make sense in my mind because it is something that I do bring back from that experience, but I struggle with whether or not that can hold a strong enough connection to the rest of the story, especially since it is about individuals who have essentially given up their right to Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness by ignoring laws by which they were governed.

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sikemenow
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Re: Looking for opinions and critiques

Postby sikemenow » Wed Nov 23, 2011 4:45 pm

A conclusion like what I have would described would look something like this:

------------------------------------------------------

While my time in Lurigancho allowed me the amazing ability to serve and encourage many in need, it also permitted a glimpse of corruption’s degradation upon a society. While the extremity of third-world prison rule can be difficult to relate to Western culture, the need for principles such as equality, honesty, and justice remain the same. Without such characteristics, lives are destroyed and civilization falls into ruin. A system that perverts standards that all men rightfully possess cannot be allowed to persist. Our forefathers stated in our founding documents that it is the duty of the people to throw off any government that inhibits their unalienable rights. It is our own Constitution that secures these privileges and the desire to see those freedoms effectively instituted drives my aspiration for law school. I will be able to pursue a field that aligns with deep-seated convictions I have discovered through first-hand experience. Additionally, my background as an athlete provides me with the solid foundation of persistence, hard work, and discipline required for this endeavor. With a solemn respect in one hand and driving passion in the other, I look forward with heightened anticipation to the learning that will enable me to put my ambitions into practice.




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