Final Copy... Thanks in Advance

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Diiizzzzoooo
Posts: 123
Joined: Mon Aug 16, 2010 11:18 pm

Final Copy... Thanks in Advance

Postby Diiizzzzoooo » Thu Nov 17, 2011 1:18 am

I want to sincerely thank anyone who takes the time to read this. I am not looking to make any earth shattering changes. I think I will just do a bit of housekeeping before I submit in a day or so. I guess I'm just sharing in order to gain some perspective from others on the finished version. If there is one thing I learned from writing my personal statement, it's that being limited to only two pages on something so wide open is extremely rough. Here it is...


On my final day of college, I stood in the middle of XXXXXX University’s campus and said to myself, almost foolishly, “There’s a mountain across the street.” Where I come from, there is not much in the way of grass and trees, let alone a massive elevated ecosystem. Staring up at XXXXX Mountain, I couldn’t help but smile at how out of reach this all once seemed to me.

Eight years earlier, I had been sitting in a delivery room, holding my newborn son. I was a 20-year-old high school dropout, sleeping in a different friend’s house every night, doing whatever was necessary to survive after having left my parents when I was 17. XXXX’s birth was unexpected, but hardly a surprise, considering where my life was headed. I was disappointed – not because I was a father, but because I was not the father XXXX deserved. I had quit the only real job I had two years prior, and the last time I had been in a classroom, I was 15 years old. I walked outside the hospital and collapsed in tears. I had nothing to offer XXXX, and I choked at the thought of telling him to be nothing like me…me, who was supposed to be his main source of guidance. I would do anything to change that conversation, I thought. In that moment, my child saved my life.

All I had was the motivation to improve my circumstances and the resolve to make my son proud, but I was determined to change. I obtained my GED and enrolled in community college. I found a job, and took the little money I had and rented a small apartment. I was making an honest living and was doing fantastic in school. Yet, when I looked out my window, I still saw the same broken neighborhood. I still heard gunshots. I still witnessed drug abuse. I looked at my son and I knew I didn’t want him growing up in such circumstances. I began to wonder if I could inspire others to do better, the way Justin had inspired me. I thought that many of my friends could have better lives if they were pushed in the right direction. After all, these young men were no different from myself – all of them were victims of the same vicious urban cycle that had given me limited hope for the future.

I began to work even harder and I reached out to my friends. One kid was talented at dice and blackjack, and I helped him apply to college and enroll in a Mathematics program. Another friend of mine was the best basketball player in the neighborhood; I introduced him to a college recruiter I had met during one of my ambassadorships, and he earned himself a partial scholarship. As more and more of my friends made changes in their lives, they were inspired to help others. All around me, people were finding their footing, becoming optimistic, and refusing to simply quit in the face of adversity. We were no longer destined to be casualties of the ghetto – there was hope on the horizon.

Having experienced firsthand many of the ills of society, I am determined to protect my children and others from falling victim to the same dangers I had encountered. I was one of the lucky ones to have risen above my circumstances, but there are millions of people in the inner city lacking guidance and hope. I now seek to enter law school in order to gain a basic understanding of the law and its applications so that I can shape public policy that will help broken communities, repairing the disconnect between the disadvantaged and their representatives. By doing so, I will provide a voice for those who need one most.

On that final day of class at XXXXXX University, as I stood looking up at XXXXXX Mountain, I thought about my children, my friends, and the future. I had overcome a mountain of obstacles to get to where I was, and I was proud of what I had accomplished. I walked to class knowing that my future was just beginning.

theaether
Posts: 163
Joined: Sun Dec 19, 2010 6:17 am

Re: Final Copy... Thanks in Advance

Postby theaether » Thu Nov 17, 2011 2:09 am

nice story and well-written. one thing that strikes me is what is the point of mentioning XXX university's name everytime? the adcoms will have the name of your college pretty much everywhere in the file, so it seems like redundant information? "On my final day of college, I stood in the middle of campus" works just fine, as does "On that final day of class"

another thing was you went from having 1 child to suddenly having children without mentioning how that occurred? it might be awkward/irrelevant to work this explanation in, so i might use "i am determined to protect my family" instead, since that's applicable to 1 or X number of children

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Diiizzzzoooo
Posts: 123
Joined: Mon Aug 16, 2010 11:18 pm

Re: Final Copy... Thanks in Advance

Postby Diiizzzzoooo » Thu Nov 17, 2011 3:20 am

Thanks theaether I'm actually going to incorporate your second suggestion right away. I didn't pick up on that shift even after several edits.

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: Final Copy... Thanks in Advance

Postby kublaikahn » Thu Nov 17, 2011 5:02 am

This is a decent piece. though, you try too hard to tie in the helping others part. That should flow more naturally and tie into the mountain metaphor. Ironically, you are still standing at the base of the mountain. Can you use that in your piece?




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