Help with Personal Statement

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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kiwi4president
Posts: 113
Joined: Wed Jun 29, 2011 10:09 pm

Help with Personal Statement

Postby kiwi4president » Tue Nov 15, 2011 9:34 pm

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Last edited by kiwi4president on Thu Nov 17, 2011 8:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Shooter
Posts: 474
Joined: Fri Apr 02, 2010 1:39 am

Re: Help with Personal Statement

Postby Shooter » Tue Nov 15, 2011 9:42 pm

Excellent. Turn it in.

Solid writing ability, gripping story and clearly answers "Why Law School? Why Now?"

lats19nys
Posts: 94
Joined: Thu Nov 10, 2011 3:26 pm

Re: Help with Personal Statement

Postby lats19nys » Tue Nov 15, 2011 10:17 pm

hmm. i disagree a little with the post above me. the whole why law seems forced. you go from someone helping you, i get that but that you suddenly jump from wanting to help others to law. I mean, is there a specific reason why you view law as the best way for you to help others? Also, I really would shy away from comparing yourself to others in the manner you do. The fact that you seem to suggest you will be better than others can come off as arrogant. It's never a good idea to suggest you will be better than others for w/e reason. Just state your strengths and how those strengths will contribute to your future success. There is no need to compare yourself to others. If there's one thing admission officers hate the most, it is arrogance.

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kiwi4president
Posts: 113
Joined: Wed Jun 29, 2011 10:09 pm

Re: Help with Personal Statement

Postby kiwi4president » Tue Nov 15, 2011 10:31 pm

So you think something like taking out "Most people have the ability to succeed, but" would fix the arrogance issue?

Having trouble coming up with a fix to the transition between helping and law, any ideas?

z0rk
Posts: 328
Joined: Sun Jun 29, 2008 8:11 pm

Re: Help with Personal Statement

Postby z0rk » Tue Nov 15, 2011 11:55 pm

First off, I just want to say I am I am happy for your health and well being. Your story touches upon a very personal experience, and it takes a lot to come forward with those thoughts and emotions.

That being said, I think you are trying to express some heavy feelings within a very limited amount of space. As evidenced by lats19nys's response to your essay, it seems as though your convictions come across as forced and at times grandiose. I don't believe that is actually the case. I think you are trying to convey the strong emotional impact of an experience you had, and how this unique experience has transformed your values and way of thinking. In wanting to further this experience and development, you want to take these values into your profession by way of practicing law.

I think it might be worthwhile to touch upon the public interest aspect a bit further. I know space may be tight, so I suggest editing your first two paragraphs (which seem to be focused on the cancer misdiagnoses) into one single paragraph.

I think the transition gets hazy in your third paragraph. What you are trying to express is your own personal growth and development as a compassionate person. The language seems a bit stilted, and I urge you to consider rewritng.

I agree that you should eliminate or rewrite the following sentence: Most people have the ability to succeed, but I have the ability to use my hard working nature not only to succeed, but also to excel in my studies and complete my goals.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Help with Personal Statement

Postby CanadianWolf » Wed Nov 16, 2011 11:20 am

If you delete the last two sentences, your personal statement will be sincere, convincing & well-written.




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