Please critique my PS! I'm happy/eager to swap critiques.

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
RamblinBoyofPleasure
Posts: 61
Joined: Tue Oct 25, 2011 8:22 pm

Please critique my PS! I'm happy/eager to swap critiques.

Postby RamblinBoyofPleasure » Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:05 pm

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Last edited by RamblinBoyofPleasure on Tue Dec 06, 2011 1:06 am, edited 2 times in total.

theaether
Posts: 163
Joined: Sun Dec 19, 2010 6:17 am

Re: Please critique my PS! I'm happy/eager to swap critiques.

Postby theaether » Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:36 pm

first paragraph as an introduction is a bit lacking for content. you could boil it down to "i was debating at a tournament once"

second paragraph is imbued with some underlying hurt ego, at least to me. winning is never the point, and it seems it's based on something a bit arbitrary, but you try to slide in some of your wins/accomplishments in there anyway so you do actually care? don't really get the overall point here

third paragraph. what does inform everyone in ways that 'their own singular experience' never could mean. are you just saying that people learn more from others than if they just kept to themselves? what does "instill a state of mind" mean, and why is it more important than "teaching specific insights," which I also am not sure what to make of.

fourth paragraph. i don't like the redundancy of the sentence "it took me a while; my search was long and, at times, circuitous" if you want to emphasize the journey, tell us how many other things you tried before you landed back to law

fifth paragraph, "lost inside an echo chamber high atop the ivory tower" sounds pretty but is ineffective

sixth paragraph, the tone seems pretty jaded. you definitely had an impact, so could you describe your accomplishments?

eighth paragraph, "did not relevant in the slightest" grammar

ninth paragraph, "read through entire casebook" grammar. Steven King = Stephen King. you described your transition from "arcane cases" that went over your head to something making your jaw drop like a best-selling thriller with just sticking it out and reading your casebook twice. could you elaborate?

tenth paragraph, reword "whether i choose to pursue my current interest in criminal law or not" because i think you want to mean whether you do crim law or some OTHER kind of law, not trying to draw out options of crim law or no law at all.


so, i think there are lots of places you can cut, but also lots of places you can write more about too. probably would take out most of the "academia is useless" mentality because in the end, law schools require you to read tons of dense material and i don't think they would appreciate that kind of attitude, yea?

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Please critique my PS! I'm happy/eager to swap critiques.

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:44 pm

Everything is redundant with "...during my time at the University of Chicago."




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