final draft, submitting tmr. any reply appreciated

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
rachelwang712
Posts: 166
Joined: Mon Oct 10, 2011 8:07 am

final draft, submitting tmr. any reply appreciated

Postby rachelwang712 » Mon Nov 14, 2011 11:49 pm

Thank you for all who helped me revise former drafts. Your critique really help me a lot esp since I am not a native speaker.
This is the final draft. I will submit tmr. Any feedback will be appreciated.

I remember the fear in the victims' eyes more than anything. As an exchange student in Tokyo, I was fortunate enough to avoid the devastation that engulfed Fukushima during the March 11th earthquake, yet it soon became apparent to me that the end of the earthquake was not the end of the crisis, but rather the beginning of a new one. With the lack of a cohesive message from the government, rumors spread quickly and panic gripped the city. By the end of the fifth day after the crisis, all planes from Tokyo to Shanghai were gone. A close friend of mine had even holed himself up in his room after reading a Twitter post detailing the extensive radiation in Tokyo that allegedly was responsible for millions of deaths.

Two weeks later, I went to the earthquake-struck area of Iwate as a volunteer where I met a middle-aged woman named Mrs. Izuhara. Despite her poor physical condition, she refused to eat the government-subsidized meal. Asked why, she told me she heard the government was using food awash with radiation for preparation of those meals. As time passed by, her health declined, which worried me enormously. Besides, she was not the only one to believe the rumor. In fact, more and more victims followed her example and began throwing away those meals. Seeing that, my teammates and I decided to make a presentation to dispel these worries. We relied exclusively on the International Atomic Energy Agency and other academic institutions, in order to screen out biased information, to obtain updated information and translate them into Japanese. However, even with reliable information, it was rather difficult to explain complicated figures and jargon to desperate victims.

At that time, I was enrolled in a seminar on law, Peace and Human Rights. Through the seminar, I learned the importance of representation and interpretation of facts as revealed by a close reading of both majority and dissenting opinions in Supreme Court decisions. Based on this knowledge, I proposed that we focus on making scientific facts interesting and understandable. On my suggestion, we tailored slides for demonstrations to different age groups, and included colored charts and vivid pictures to simplify the presentation of scientific data. Thankfully, our efforts worked. After these presentations, we were relieved to learn that the attendees were calmed and assured by what they learned and Mrs. Izuhara finally agreed to eat the subsidized meals afterwards. It filled me with pride to know that my ability to research information, assess its objectivity, and present it in an accurate yet accessible manner was of enormous use in assuaging the fears of victims.

Not long before we left, however, discontent once again arose among the victims, this time due to the lack of timely legal assistance. Regarded as the world's worst nuclear disaster since Chernobyl, Fukushima nuclear crisis caused unquantified damages to local residents and businesses whose sales of products were shut down by the ambiguity of the information the government released. Many accused the Tokyo Electric Power Company of failing to take sufficient safety measures at the Fukushima plant even though it knew the risks and then deliberately underplaying the extent of the accident. They asked furiously whether they could sue the Tokyo Electric Power Company for their loss. Although these issues were far beyond our abilities, I wanted to employ my legal acumen to help these victims. I spent hours listening to their concerns and providing as much guidance as possible in examining their cases logically and objectively so that they could have clearer perspectives on their loss and the available ways to claim compensation, as well as rational expectations for future negotiation with professionals. But there was a limitation on what I could do. While the victims were grateful for my efforts to aid them in analyzing and presenting their cases, I deeply regret my inability to provide more professional help. I think that the dearth of legal professionals had taken a severe toll on Japanese society and in hindered, to a large extent, actual rebuilding in the wake of the earthquake.

After the experience, I came to realize that pursuing a legal career would provide me with the skills needed to make practical contribution to helping not only victims of natural disasters, but also ordinary people seeking justice and accountability in tragic circumstances. This and my strong interest in law inspired me to apply to law school and pursue a career as lawyer.

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hyakku
Posts: 604
Joined: Sun Sep 18, 2011 9:35 pm

Re: final draft, submitting tmr. any reply appreciated

Postby hyakku » Tue Nov 15, 2011 12:51 am

rachelwang712 wrote:Thank you for all who helped me revise former drafts. Your critique really help me a lot esp since I am not a native speaker.
This is the final draft. I will submit tmr. Any feedback will be appreciated.

I remember the fear in the victims' eyes more than anything. As an exchange student in Tokyo, I was fortunate enough to avoid the devastation that engulfed Fukushima during the March 11th earthquake, yet it soon became apparent to me that the end of the earthquake was not the end of the crisis, but rather the beginning of a new one. With the lack of a cohesive message from the government, rumors spread quickly and panic gripped the city. By the end of the fifth day after the crisis, all planes from Tokyo to Shanghai were gonesold out . A close friend of mine had even holed himself up in his room after reading a Twitter post detailing the extensive radiation in Tokyo that allegedly was responsible for millions of deaths.

Two weeks later, I went to the earthquake-struck area of Iwate as a volunteer where I met a middle-aged woman named Mrs. Izuhara. Despite her poor physical condition, she refused to eat the government-subsidized meals, revealing that she heard that the government was using toxic food for the meals. . Asked why, she told me she heard the government was using food awash with radiation for preparation of those meals. More troubling, as time passed, her health continued to decline, yet d which worried me enormously. Besides, she was not the only one to believe the rumor. In fact, more andmore victims began to followed her example and began throwingthrew away those their meals as well.

Seeing that this, my teammates and I decided to make a presentationtake action to dispel these rumors. We drafted presentations, relyingrelied exclusively on the International Atomic Energy Agency and other academic institutions, in order to screen out biased information, to obtain updated informationup to date coverage of any developments, and translate themthis data into Japanese. However Unfortunately, even with reliable information, it was rather difficult to explain complicated figures and scientific jargon to desperatepanicked victims.

At that the time I was enrolled in a seminar on law entitled 'Peace and Human Rights'. Through close reading of both majority and dissenting opinions of Supreme court decisions, I had learned the importance of not just obtaining sufficient evidence, but also how crucial it was to present evidence in an easily digestible way for the audience. Through the seminar, I learned the importance of representation and interpretation of facts as revealed by a close reading of both majority and dissenting opinions in Supreme Court decisions.Based on this knowledgeWith this in mind , I proposed that we focus on making scientific facts interesting and understandable.change our approach. On my suggestion,We revamped our presentation, tailoring we tailored slides for demonstrations to different age groups and included colored charts and vivid pictures to simplify the presentation of scientific data[/s]. Thankfully, our efforts worked. After these presentations,and we were relieved to learn that the attendees,- including were calmed and assured by what they learned and Mrs. Izuhara - finally agreed to eat the subsidized meals afterwardsour new presentations. It filled me with pride to know that my ability to research information, assess its objectivity, and present it in an accurate yet accessible manner was of enormous use in assuaging the fears of victims.

Not long before we left, however, discontent once again arose among the victims, this time due to the lack of timely legal assistance from the government. Regarded as the world's worst nuclear disaster since Chernobyl, Fukushima nuclear The crisis caused unquantified damages to local residents and businesses,and many local businesses had whose sales of their products shut down by the ambiguity of the information the government releaseddue to conflicting reports from the Japanese government. Many peoplealsoaccused the Tokyo Electric Power Company of failing to take sufficient safety measures at the Fukushima plant even though it they knew the risks and then deliberately underplayinged the extent of the accident. They asked furiously whether they could sue the Tokyo Electric Power Company for their loss. (Bit strange, don't know what to do about this here. If I'm thinking correctly though TEPCO is pretty huge, so I doubt citizens of Iwate could even afford to attempt to sue TEPCO, not sure if this is needed.)

Although these issues were far beyond ourmy abilities, I wanted to employ my legal acumen to help these victims. I spent hours listening to their concerns, providing as much guidance as possible in examining their caseswhile attempting to examine their cases logically and objectively in order to provide them with clearer perspectives on their rights to compensation for their losses.so that they could have clearer perspectives on their loss and the available ways to claim compensation, as well as rational expectations for future negotiation with professionals. ButHowever, there was a limitation on what I could do. while the victims were grateful for my efforts to aid them in analyzing and presenting their cases, I deeply regret my inability to provide more professional help.

Leaving Iwate, I came to realizeI think that the dearth of legal professionals had taken a severe toll on Japanese society and inhad hindered, to a large extent, actual rebuilding in the wake of the earthquake. After the experience, I came to realize that Pursuing a legal career in something something something will allow me to return to disaster struck regions like Iwate and blah blah etc would provide me with the skills needed to make practical contribution to helping not only victims of natural disasters, but also ordinary people seeking justice and accountability in tragic circumstances. This and my strong interest in law inspired me to apply to law school and pursue a career as lawyer.



Whew. I think you've got something really good here, and I don't think you should incorporate all my changes, just what I promised I would go back and do.

Two things I think you need to do though to make this stronger. One, is tighten up that conclusion. I'm not sure if you don't know what you want to study, or if you do and just have't revealed it, but where I wrote the red I really think you should try to tie it into what you are interested in (Environmental Law? PI? Something like that?).

Two, I would focus a little bit more on yourself, although you do well and I'm not sure the extent of the work so it's hard for me to say. I tried to change a bit of your middle paragraphs to reflect what I mean, but I definitely think if you can bring the focus back a little bit more on you and less of the story it would be even stronger.

In any case, hopefully I was of some help, and I think if you can tighten up that conclusion you'll have a strong PS in any case. Maybe some others can lend help.

I've gotta run right now, so I'll proofread what I gave you again a bit later.

rachelwang712
Posts: 166
Joined: Mon Oct 10, 2011 8:07 am

Re: final draft, submitting tmr. any reply appreciated

Postby rachelwang712 » Tue Nov 15, 2011 6:31 am

Thanks for the comments again. This draft is really a great improvement from my original one. I am so grateful for your help.
As to the last para, I will tailor it to each school I apply, as a substitute for Why X essay.

Sorry for troubling you on a busy weekday and million thanks!!!:)




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