Trying to submit before Thanksgiving - please critique my PS

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
hooma
Posts: 213
Joined: Tue Jan 11, 2011 5:33 pm

Trying to submit before Thanksgiving - please critique my PS

Postby hooma » Mon Nov 14, 2011 11:44 pm

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Last edited by hooma on Tue Nov 15, 2011 10:08 am, edited 1 time in total.

theaether
Posts: 163
Joined: Sun Dec 19, 2010 6:17 am

Re: Trying to submit before Thanksgiving - please critique my PS

Postby theaether » Mon Nov 14, 2011 11:58 pm

it reads like a biography for 5 paragraphs, and then somewhat abruptly transforms into PS for the last 2 paragraphs, with a I gained skill X and skill X is good for law so I am good for law thesis. i think it's easy to have this sort of thing happen when you're writing about how you've been influenced by someone else in a PS.

i would recommend boiling down the biography portion of it, drive home the point, and focus more on examples of how specifically that influence has had you do things differently. you can do this by expanding on your 2nd to last paragraph

llachans
Posts: 597
Joined: Wed Aug 24, 2011 12:54 pm

Re: Trying to submit before Thanksgiving - please critique my PS

Postby llachans » Tue Nov 15, 2011 3:07 am

Some thoughts:
- Too much emphasis on your brother and not about yourself
- The beginning seems callous. As someone who also has bipolar family members, I understand how difficult it can be. But at the end of the day, it is a sickness and is (arguably and to a degree) out of their control. I know that the end discusses empathy but I really do feel like the beginning sounds a bit heartless. If you want to open it in the same way, I'd tone it down a lot more. I think adcom will be a lot more receptive to it if you modify the tone.

hooma
Posts: 213
Joined: Tue Jan 11, 2011 5:33 pm

Re: Trying to submit before Thanksgiving - please critique my PS

Postby hooma » Tue Nov 15, 2011 10:07 am

Thanks for both replies, you both hit on concerns I had so now I definitely know what needs to be changed.

Thanks.




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