(close to) FINAL DRAFT!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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pugilistjd
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(close to) FINAL DRAFT!

Postby pugilistjd » Sat Nov 12, 2011 6:46 pm

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Last edited by pugilistjd on Mon Nov 14, 2011 1:17 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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emkay625
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Re: (close to) FINAL DRAFT!

Postby emkay625 » Sat Nov 12, 2011 6:51 pm

I am a giant fan of the last line. It's ballsy. I like it.

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FryBreadPower
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Re: (close to) FINAL DRAFT!

Postby FryBreadPower » Sat Nov 12, 2011 6:55 pm

My thoughts:

Don't mention the school's name without any other kind of specific reference to them. I feel like it looks like a cheap trick; even if it isn't, some AdComms may think that's what you are trying to do. Don't mention the school name if that's all you are going to do (plus you leave yourself prey to accidently sending your statement to a school without having switched the name from the last time you submitted it).

Small point, your usage of the word "Yet" seems weird. "Yet" seems to imply that what follows is in direct opposition to what came before i.e. I'm into manly shit. Yet, I love me some showtunes". Simple things aren't in opposition to crude and unrefined preferences.

My last criticism is, I just don't see what any of this has to do with law school. It's a cool story and I like the tone that you take when writing it. But, why in the world did you want to become a lawyer (or why are you even interested in law). Plus, how could we possibly know you are going to succeed in law school? The only evidence you give is one time you found something that kept your interest. I think this is the one fatal flaw of your PS as it stands now.

But you have something. If you keep working I'm sure it can be great.

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FryBreadPower
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Re: (close to) FINAL DRAFT!

Postby FryBreadPower » Sat Nov 12, 2011 6:57 pm

emkay625 wrote:I am a giant fan of the last line. It's ballsy. I like it.


Given my criticism I do think the last line is cool.

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law4vus
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Re: (close to) FINAL DRAFT!

Postby law4vus » Sat Nov 12, 2011 7:16 pm

FryBreadPower wrote:My thoughts:

Don't mention the school's name without any other kind of specific reference to them. I feel like it looks like a cheap trick; even if it isn't, some AdComms may think that's what you are trying to do. Don't mention the school name if that's all you are going to do (plus you leave yourself prey to accidently sending your statement to a school without having switched the name from the last time you submitted it).

Small point, your usage of the word "Yet" seems weird. "Yet" seems to imply that what follows is in direct opposition to what came before i.e. I'm into manly shit. Yet, I love me some showtunes". Simple things aren't in opposition to crude and unrefined preferences.

My last criticism is, I just don't see what any of this has to do with law school. It's a cool story and I like the tone that you take when writing it. But, why in the world did you want to become a lawyer (or why are you even interested in law). Plus, how could we possibly know you are going to succeed in law school? The only evidence you give is one time you found something that kept your interest. I think this is the one fatal flaw of your PS as it stands now.

But you have something. If you keep working I'm sure it can be great.


This pretty much sums up my concerns with the statement as well. I like it a lot, but it doesn't necessarily say why you would be a good law student.

It seems like it has the makings of a nice DS, but it needs a little more meat to be a strong personal statement.

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pugilistjd
Posts: 159
Joined: Sun Dec 26, 2010 6:28 am

Re: (close to) FINAL DRAFT!

Postby pugilistjd » Sat Nov 12, 2011 7:18 pm

FryBreadPower wrote:My thoughts:

Don't mention the school's name without any other kind of specific reference to them. I feel like it looks like a cheap trick; even if it isn't, some AdComms may think that's what you are trying to do. Don't mention the school name if that's all you are going to do (plus you leave yourself prey to accidently sending your statement to a school without having switched the name from the last time you submitted it).

Small point, your usage of the word "Yet" seems weird. "Yet" seems to imply that what follows is in direct opposition to what came before i.e. I'm into manly shit. Yet, I love me some showtunes". Simple things aren't in opposition to crude and unrefined preferences.

My last criticism is, I just don't see what any of this has to do with law school. It's a cool story and I like the tone that you take when writing it. But, why in the world did you want to become a lawyer (or why are you even interested in law). Plus, how could we possibly know you are going to succeed in law school? The only evidence you give is one time you found something that kept your interest. I think this is the one fatal flaw of your PS as it stands now.

But you have something. If you keep working I'm sure it can be great.


The conjunction "yet" is equivalent to "nevertheless", "in spite of that", etc.

My tastes might be crude. Nevertheless, they've helped me a lot.

My tastes might be bad in some ways. In spite of that, they are also good in some ways.

So, I mentioned that I switched to a chess story from a debate story. The reason is because I was told that mentioning a passion for debate is trite and is basically assumed by most adcoms. At the same time, falling on debate as a pastime during tough times is more indicative of at least SOME LS-applicable traits. So, do I choose between standing out or playing it safe/risk sounding trite? Also, the purpose of my PS is to answer the question "what skills have you developed that would help you succeed during law school?". My answer is that I have developed the necessary coping mechanisms that have helped me overcome adversity. So, do you think my answer to that question is weak?



Thanks for your critique.

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FryBreadPower
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Re: (close to) FINAL DRAFT!

Postby FryBreadPower » Sat Nov 12, 2011 7:29 pm

I agree that discussing debate is trite and super cliche. Maybe you can experiment with using chess to show more LS-applicable skills. As it stands now all chess tells us is that you found something to help you through a tough time. Maybe there are some skills in chess that you have not only developed but would also be beneficial in law school. Just a thought.

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pugilistjd
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Re: (close to) FINAL DRAFT!

Postby pugilistjd » Sun Nov 13, 2011 6:41 pm

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