Addendumb--short, but compelling?

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Addendumb--short, but compelling?

Postby misterk » Fri Nov 11, 2011 2:35 pm

Thanks for the feedback!
Last edited by misterk on Sat Nov 12, 2011 1:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Addendumb--short, but compelling?

Postby theaether » Fri Nov 11, 2011 2:48 pm

First thing that came to my mind was why is "post-2009" specifically the more indicative time period? why not post 2007, post 2008, etc. maybe explain that? i mean, is 2009 when you began school again?

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Re: Addendumb--short, but compelling?

Postby 03121202698008 » Fri Nov 11, 2011 2:49 pm

You need a topic sentence. I didn't know what it we about until the last sentence.

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Re: Addendumb--short, but compelling?

Postby MachineLemon » Fri Nov 11, 2011 3:06 pm

misterk wrote:Here it is:

From Fall 2003 to August 2009, my life was committed either to supporting myself or supporting my mother who struggled to pay rent. As a result, the first sixty credits of undergraduate career were earned slowly and without a full commitment to academic success. When my mother was diagnosed with cancer for the second time in February 2006, I was forced to drop all of my classes two weeks into the semester. For all of these reasons, I believe my post-2009 performance is more indicative of my capabilities and capacity for the study of law.

You have a very compelling story here, but it needs some tweaks. Your second sentence is rather awkward since you use passive voice. Just make that active. Also, you say your mother was diagnosed a second time. This immediately made me think: "Were the problems in 2003 the result of the initial diagnosis?" I would lead with your mother's illness, then discuss your resulting responsibilities, then explain how these affected your studies. I would also discuss how many hours you worked on average (if it was substantial). Also, why did things change in 2009 and why won't these problems interfere with your law school career? I'd also (correct me if this is a bad idea) state your pre-2009 GPA and your post-2009 GPA.

Hope this helps!

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