Need critique of my essay please! last piece of the app!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
birchum
Posts: 17
Joined: Sat Sep 15, 2007 12:25 am

Need critique of my essay please! last piece of the app!

Postby birchum » Thu Nov 10, 2011 6:40 pm

Tkaen down for edits. Thanks !
Last edited by birchum on Fri Nov 11, 2011 4:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

fakehunter
Posts: 141
Joined: Tue Oct 25, 2011 5:27 pm

Re: Need critique of my essay please! last piece of the app!

Postby fakehunter » Thu Nov 10, 2011 8:23 pm

Very compelling essay, but here are a few superficial changes you should consider/make.

1) The last sentence of your first paragraph, "This is a story about clarity..." I don't think that really adds anything, and it took me out of the story when I read it.
2) At the end of the fourth paragraph, you write "in the absence of electricity, but not ambition.." I don't think the common between electricity and but is necessary and it cuts up the sentence
3) At the beginning of the sixth paragraph, you have the word college in parentheses.Take those out obviously :)
4) At the end of the seventh paragraph, you use the wrong there/their. You wrote their when you meant there.
5) This is more a personal thing, but you use a lot of semicolons (two in the last paragraph) and I've been taught to avoid semicolons when unnecessary.

birchum
Posts: 17
Joined: Sat Sep 15, 2007 12:25 am

Re: Need critique of my essay please! last piece of the app!

Postby birchum » Thu Nov 10, 2011 8:37 pm

thanks fakehunter I appreciate the advice. Any other takers?

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rinkrat19
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Joined: Sat Sep 25, 2010 5:35 am

Re: Need critique of my essay please! last piece of the app!

Postby rinkrat19 » Thu Nov 10, 2011 8:58 pm

I don't have time to do a line-by-line right now, but at first glance it could probably use a going-over by a grammar Nazi. Your writing isn't bad, but it's imprecise at times.

The very first sentence:
Obscured by darkness and inclement weather, my mother and 104 others fled Vietnam on a vessel headed for the United States.
Your mother and the other refugees are the subject of the sentence, which means that "obscured by darkness and inclement weather" is being applied to them, not the boat. I don't think you really meant that your mother was obscured by the weather, right?

I would compulsively call her six or seven times in rapid succession, fearing the worst with every unanswered call. Her voice was piercing.
If the calls were unanswered, how was her voice piercing? Say "when she finally answered, her voice was piercing, or something similar.

I don't really like the repeated mentions of clarity, since you don't back it up in any way, it doesn't actually seem to connect to anything.

I sought answers to questions that I feared.
Did you fear the answers or the questions? As written, it's the questions, but I suspect you meant the answers.

an unstable and uneducated home
Your home was uneducated? Consider family instead of home.

I told her; “That I have been able to take care of myself and you, in a time characteristic of irresponsibility is a testament to my upbringing.
I seriously doubt that sentence came verbatim out of your mouth, but that's what quotation marks mean. And what does "a time characteristic of irresponsibility" even mean?

I have not made it yet, but I will, and I hope you will be their when I do.”
there, not their

incoherent words echoing off of unknown bathroom stalls tempered any felicity.
felicity means luck, not happiness.

You have some needlessly flowery phrases. "students who were superior in relevant advantage" sounds silly. Just say "students with advantages I lacked."

That's just a few things. This isn't ready to submit yet.

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MachineLemon
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Re: Need critique of my essay please! last piece of the app!

Postby MachineLemon » Thu Nov 10, 2011 9:32 pm

rinkrat19 wrote:
incoherent words echoing off of unknown bathroom stalls tempered any felicity.
felicity means luck, not happiness.


Nope. Felicity means happiness or aptness.

birchum
Posts: 17
Joined: Sat Sep 15, 2007 12:25 am

Re: Need critique of my essay please! last piece of the app!

Postby birchum » Thu Nov 10, 2011 10:59 pm

Thanks for the advice guys. Any other takers?

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rinkrat19
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Joined: Sat Sep 25, 2010 5:35 am

Re: Need critique of my essay please! last piece of the app!

Postby rinkrat19 » Thu Nov 10, 2011 11:54 pm

TylerM wrote:
rinkrat19 wrote:
incoherent words echoing off of unknown bathroom stalls tempered any felicity.
felicity means luck, not happiness.


Nope. Felicity means happiness or aptness.
I stand corrected on that one.

lats19nys
Posts: 94
Joined: Thu Nov 10, 2011 3:26 pm

Re: Need critique of my essay please! last piece of the app!

Postby lats19nys » Fri Nov 11, 2011 12:38 am

Honestly, I have a lot of concerns about the direction of the essay. I think the stories within the essay are compelling but the way it is presented makes it less genuine. I think you tried a little too hard to come off as artsy and it really does detract from the power of the story. Additionally, the essay really does not have a coherent main message with it. It comes off more or less as a list of difficulties you have faced and although you mention that you overcame them, it really is too quick a transition. If you are discussing obstacles you have faced, the majority of the discussion should focus on how you overcame it and reflections upon that success. Here, with your essay, almost everything is geared to describing the suffering. It doesn't work. The last problem is, you try to end in a very poetic way about your reason for going to law school. The problem is, it really doesn't make a whole lot of sense and it really comes off as like you actually don't have any real reason for doing so.
I really think you should focus on one or two main stories and related it back to a larger issue that you are interested in and how that relates to your interest in law. Take my advice for what it is but I do work with a lot of essays in general to let you know and I did edit my friend's essay last year and she was accepted at Harvard, Yale(Waitlisted at Stanford DOH).

birchum
Posts: 17
Joined: Sat Sep 15, 2007 12:25 am

Re: Need critique of my essay please! last piece of the app!

Postby birchum » Fri Nov 11, 2011 1:15 am

Bump! I appreciate all the help so far guys...




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