What do you think of this sentence? Yay or nay?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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hadisious
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What do you think of this sentence? Yay or nay?

Postby hadisious » Thu Nov 10, 2011 12:15 pm

My goal is simple; I want to inspire others and be inspired by others, and through my contributions, become a part of something great.


Too hokey? or does it flow ok? I was trying to replace "something great" but I can't think of anything right now. This is in my PS conclusion, towards the end. Opinions/Advice?

Thanks, TLS.

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bernaldiaz
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Re: What do you think of this sentence? Yay or nay?

Postby bernaldiaz » Thu Nov 10, 2011 1:24 pm

hadisious wrote:
My goal is simple; I want to inspire others and be inspired by others, and through my contributions, become a part of something great.


Too hokey? or does it flow ok? I was trying to replace "something great" but I can't think of anything right now. This is in my PS conclusion, towards the end. Opinions/Advice?

Thanks, TLS.


I'll let you decide if it's a bit too platitudinous. We can't really make that call without seeing how it fits within the confines of the rest of your PS. As for the flow of the sentence, I think it's a bit choppy. I would change the second clause by removing the first "others" so that it reads "I want to inspire and be inspired by others". I think that flows much more nicely. Also, the two commas at the end of the sentence are both questionable. I definitely wouldn't have both of them in there. It just makes it a bit choppy. Maybe there is a way you could rewrite the last two clauses ("and through my contributions, become a part of something great") so that they don't need to be separated by a comma?

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hadisious
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Re: What do you think of this sentence? Yay or nay?

Postby hadisious » Thu Nov 10, 2011 1:44 pm

Thanks for the response and advice.

I just posted the revised PS to the forum to see what people think. I put the phrase in question in bold and asked for opinions. I would love yours as well if you can take a look.

http://top-law-schools.com/forums/viewt ... 8&t=171309

kublaikahn
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Re: What do you think of this sentence? Yay or nay?

Postby kublaikahn » Sat Nov 12, 2011 4:49 pm

Nay. Your goal should be more concrete, not mere platitudes and slogans. We all want to inspire and be inspired. Not all law schools offer the kind of support that you got at your Christian school, be wary of saying indirectly that this is what you need. Instead say (more concretely) this kind of support is what you will bring.




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