PS Critique Appreciated. A somewhat unusual topic?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Kimi
Posts: 16
Joined: Wed Sep 21, 2011 10:25 am

PS Critique Appreciated. A somewhat unusual topic?

Postby Kimi » Thu Nov 10, 2011 9:24 am

....

Taken down for edits.
Last edited by Kimi on Thu Nov 10, 2011 10:46 am, edited 1 time in total.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: PS Critique Appreciated. A somewhat unusual topic?

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Nov 10, 2011 9:45 am

There are several minor grammatical mistakes & word errors that should be corrected easily after you proofread your essay.

Your personal statement grabs the reader's attention in the first portion, but becomes uninteresting in your final paragraph which details firefighting. The most interesting portion of your writing centers on your plight while stranded in China. Of the four (4) paragraphs in your PS, only the second is worth keeping after the obvious mistakes are corrected. Readers will want to learn more about your adventures in China & less about firefighting, in my opinion. The opening quote is ineffective & should be deleted.

Kimi
Posts: 16
Joined: Wed Sep 21, 2011 10:25 am

Re: PS Critique Appreciated. A somewhat unusual topic?

Postby Kimi » Thu Nov 10, 2011 9:51 am

Thanks for the input. I'm missing the grammatical mistakes at the moment, but I've probably read it too many times now. I'll have to look at it again with fresh eyes later today. I'm beat after a long duty shift last night.

Would you suggest more focus on China? I think it's one of those matters of opinion thing. My time in China was phenomenal, being stranded for the first few days was not, but I don't really have much to say about being stuck. I spent a lot of time walking around and not knowing where I was, and I didn't eat for a couple of days because I didn't know where to go or what to order. In hindsight, I was pretty stupid, but I was just overwhelmed. I just don't see that time period of culture shock as that interesting a topic? I don't think it reflects as well on me, because I really was upset and didn't really think critically the first few days, where as I think firefighting is the coolest thing ever and could probably spend way too much time talking about it. haha I could rework the focus though, if the consensus was that China would be a better focusing point.

Thanks!

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: PS Critique Appreciated. A somewhat unusual topic?

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Nov 10, 2011 9:58 am

"three months", not "there months"

"I learned maturity" is not acceptable English.

CHANGE: "stay calm to develop and" to "remain calm and"

Also, there are a few awkward phrases & word choices.

TRY: "Unfortunately, the study-abroad program turned out to be disreputable..."

CONSIDER: "The team responds to natural disasters..."

CHANGE: to "like earthquakes...", not "like the earthquakes..."

DELETE: The last four sentences of your final paragraph. Conclude your essay with "...in my career as a lawyer."

CHANGE: "I am lookikg forward to" to "I look forward to".

CONSIDER: "When hanging from a ladder fifty feet in the air"

CHANGE: "but we also respond to" to "and also to house fires and other accidents"

If you make these suggested modifications, your writing may work as originally composed.
Last edited by CanadianWolf on Thu Nov 10, 2011 10:39 am, edited 1 time in total.

Kimi
Posts: 16
Joined: Wed Sep 21, 2011 10:25 am

Re: PS Critique Appreciated. A somewhat unusual topic?

Postby Kimi » Thu Nov 10, 2011 10:26 am

Thank you. That is extremely helpful. I really appreciate it.




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