Critique My Personal Statement !!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Aktenas
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Joined: Thu Nov 10, 2011 12:49 am

Critique My Personal Statement !!

Postby Aktenas » Thu Nov 10, 2011 12:50 am

Trembling in fear as I woke up, all I could remember was the loud screams of my friends. Bloodied and bruised as I got back up I felt nothing except the shock of what had just happened. I couldn’t yet feel the pain of all my cuts and scrapes and that wasn’t even the worst part of it all. My friends came rushing over to my aid and as I started to get a sense of what was going on, I stared up at them and just saw the look of shock in their eyes. They had immediately called the paramedics and an ambulance was on its way to my aid. My friends helped me up and asked me if I was okay what seemed to be a million times. I had cuts and scrapes all over my body but the worst part was I wasn’t able to move my arm. By the time the paramedics got there my elbow was severely swollen, I was nauseous, dizzy, and I was hyperventilating. The paramedics told me that I was going into shock and that it was best to take me into the emergency room. Of course, the paramedics wanted to know how this all happened and my friends didn’t want to offer up any information about the whole situation so it was up to me to tell them. So on my way to the emergency room, I explained how I was standing on the back of my buddies jeep as we were driving at about 30 miles per hour and he had made a sharp turn, that sent me crashing to the pavement with nothing to protect me. As I was rushed into the emergency room, the first thing the doctors did was get an x-ray of my elbow. Simply by the look of it you could tell there was something wrong (not to mention I couldn’t move it at all). Nervously and impatiently I waited to get the results back from the doctor. I remember sitting in the room hoping for the best, but knowing that there was not much good that was going to come out of this whole mess. As the doctor entered the room with my x-rays after what seemed like days, my heart was racing. “ The good news is, your still alive, “ he said with a smile on his face “ The bad news is you broke your elbow into two pieces and your going to need a plate put in your elbow”. There was no smile after he told me the bad news; the doctor said he wanted to keep me over night so they could do the surgery in the morning. Needless to say, I didn’t get much sleep that night. As morning rolled around I was mortified by the idea of surgery, I had never broken a bone before, I had never even seen a doctor beside for a routine physical. The only thing I could focus on as they put under was what could potentially go wrong. As I woke up, six hours later my doctor greeted me in my room and explained to me that the surgery went well and they had placed a plate in my elbow with five screws. The doctor told me that I would be in a hard cast for 6 weeks and told me that I would need months of physical therapy afterwards. He told me I would have to relearn how to use the muscles in my arm again. Over the next 6 weeks I had many doctors appointments with several x-rays to see how I was healing. To make things worse I was right handed and I was forced to use my left hand for two months. My teachers had to put up with a lot of sloppy handwriting and gibberish. When the day came to get my cast off I was equally excited, as I was nervous. I wanted to see what my range of motion was, what the scar looked like, and what my whole arm looked like. When they took the cast off, the doctor told me to try to move the arm. Unfortunately I was not able to move my arm at all. The doctor gave me the option of doing my own physical theropy or doing it with a professional. I had gotten myself into this mess and I was determined to fix it on my own as well. The doctor showed me some of the basic movements that I needed to do to regain strength and flexibility in my arm. He told me he wanted a check up in a month. I devoted the majority of my free time to doing the exercises that the doctor showed me. I would do the exercises until it felt like my arm was going to fall off because I wanted to be back to normal so bad. After a month of rigorous training, I went to my check up appointment with my doctor. When he saw my progress he was shocked at how fast my arm was healing. He told me that I was able to start using up to 10 lb weights to train gain the strength back in my arm. Right after the doctor appointment I went straight to the gym and started working on my arm. As I looked around, I saw many people smirking and laughing because one of my arms was about a forth of the size of the other. I was using a 10 lb dumbbell with my right hand and I was able to use a 40 lb dumbbell with my left hand. I used the other people’s laughter as motivation to get back to normal. I remember that after that day, I started to wear sleeveless shirts as a way to show that it didn’t bother me and to remind me that I had a lot of work to do. I spend at least two hours a day in the gym trying to regain my strength as well as flexibility. At my next checkup my doctor was once again shocked at how fast I was healing. The x-rays showed that my bone was completely healed and I had almost full range of motion in my arm in a little less than 3 months after the accident. The doctor told me that I should increase the weights and keep up the good work. So I got back at it once again and kept focus on fixing my own mistakes. My arm started to grow in size and I was gaining strength in it as well. By my next appointment with my doctor I had most of the strength back in my arm and full range of motion. All that hard work and dedication had paid off. The doctor had told me that this was the fastest he had ever seen anyone heal from an injury like this. He said it could have been due to a number of things like my age or the plate he used in my elbow. However, I am convinced it is because of the hard work and dedication I put in to making myself better.

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DickyBumBum
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Re: Critique My Personal Statement !!

Postby DickyBumBum » Thu Nov 10, 2011 9:19 am

Needs more paragraphs

Aktenas
Posts: 3
Joined: Thu Nov 10, 2011 12:49 am

Re: Critique My Personal Statement !!

Postby Aktenas » Thu Nov 10, 2011 11:58 am

Yeah i definitely need to do that. Any other suggestions with it ?

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Trex
Posts: 42
Joined: Sun Nov 06, 2011 7:04 pm

Re: Critique My Personal Statement !!

Postby Trex » Thu Nov 10, 2011 5:21 pm

I would recommend spacing in between your paragraphs before posting. Kinda hard to read it like that.

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FryBreadPower
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Joined: Tue Oct 25, 2011 9:46 pm

Re: Critique My Personal Statement !!

Postby FryBreadPower » Thu Nov 10, 2011 5:28 pm

Too much story/rhetoric in the beginning. Got 5 lines in and immediately didn't want to read anymore; make the story compelling, but make it short and get to the point of what that story actually means. Weaving a story isn't going to impress AdComms, what you learned from that story might.

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rinkrat19
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Re: Critique My Personal Statement !!

Postby rinkrat19 » Thu Nov 10, 2011 5:39 pm

This tells me absolutely nothing about you except that you broke your arm once. (And it tells me that in EXCRUCIATINGLY unneccessary detail.) I learn nothing about what you learned from the experience, whether it changed you, whether your life's direction was affected, or even whether you decided to stop doing utterly retarded things like standing on moving vehicles. It tells me nothing about your academic potential or fitness to study and/or practice law. It tells me nothing about your motivations, your personality, or your life.

Here is the outline of your essay:

My friends and I did something stupid.
I broke my elbow.
It healed.
The end.

llachans
Posts: 597
Joined: Wed Aug 24, 2011 12:54 pm

Re: Critique My Personal Statement !!

Postby llachans » Thu Nov 10, 2011 5:41 pm

rinkrat19 wrote:This tells me absolutely nothing about you except that you broke your arm once. (And it tells me that in EXCRUCIATINGLY unneccessary detail.) I learn nothing about what you learned from the experience, whether it changed you, whether your life's direction was affected, or even whether you decided to stop doing utterly retarded things like standing on moving vehicles. It tells me nothing about your academic potential or fitness to study and/or practice law. It tells me nothing about your motivations, your personality, or your life.

Here is the outline of your essay:

My friends and I did something stupid.
I broke my elbow.
It healed.
The end.


I agree. I know you might hate hearing this, but I really don't think this is a subject worthy of a PS. It doesn't explain why you want to go to law school or why you would excel in law school. If I were you, I'd dig a little deeper and switch topics completely.

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rinkrat19
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Re: Critique My Personal Statement !!

Postby rinkrat19 » Thu Nov 10, 2011 5:43 pm

llachans wrote:
rinkrat19 wrote:This tells me absolutely nothing about you except that you broke your arm once. (And it tells me that in EXCRUCIATINGLY unneccessary detail.) I learn nothing about what you learned from the experience, whether it changed you, whether your life's direction was affected, or even whether you decided to stop doing utterly retarded things like standing on moving vehicles. It tells me nothing about your academic potential or fitness to study and/or practice law. It tells me nothing about your motivations, your personality, or your life.

Here is the outline of your essay:

My friends and I did something stupid.
I broke my elbow.
It healed.
The end.


I agree. I know you might hate hearing this, but I really don't think this is a subject worthy of a PS. It doesn't explain why you want to go to law school or why you would excel in law school. If I were you, I'd dig a little deeper and switch topics completely.
I partially disagree in that I don't think there really are any bad PS topics, just badly-executed ones.

But a complete rewrite is certainly in order here, even if the topic is kept.

llachans
Posts: 597
Joined: Wed Aug 24, 2011 12:54 pm

Re: Critique My Personal Statement !!

Postby llachans » Thu Nov 10, 2011 5:45 pm

rinkrat19 wrote:I partially disagree in that I don't think there really are any bad PS topics, just badly-executed ones.

But a complete rewrite is certainly in order here, even if the topic is kept.


I get what you're saying but at the end of the day, this is an essay about a broken arm.
I've also broken my arm and it in no way impacted me in any truly meaningful way. I agree that if OP executed it really well, in a way that showed why this event was so poignant, it could be a good PS. I just don't know how that's possible. If OP can do it though, by all means he/she should.

llachans
Posts: 597
Joined: Wed Aug 24, 2011 12:54 pm

Re: Critique My Personal Statement !!

Postby llachans » Thu Nov 10, 2011 5:46 pm

.
Edit: Sorry, double post!

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Trex
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Re: Critique My Personal Statement !!

Postby Trex » Thu Nov 10, 2011 5:47 pm

llachans wrote:
rinkrat19 wrote:I partially disagree in that I don't think there really are any bad PS topics, just badly-executed ones.

But a complete rewrite is certainly in order here, even if the topic is kept.


I get what you're saying but at the end of the day, this is an essay about a broken arm.
I've also broken my arm and it in no way impacted me in any truly meaningful way. I agree that if OP executed it really well, in a way that showed why this event was so poignant, it could be a good PS. I just don't know how that's possible. If OP can do it though, by all means he/she should.


I read a fantastic personal statement about someone installing a program on their computer. I think it's all about execution, not about content so much, but it's difficult to do.

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Kess
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Re: Critique My Personal Statement !!

Postby Kess » Thu Nov 10, 2011 6:39 pm

rinkrat19 wrote:
llachans wrote:
rinkrat19 wrote:This tells me absolutely nothing about you except that you broke your arm once. (And it tells me that in EXCRUCIATINGLY unneccessary detail.) I learn nothing about what you learned from the experience, whether it changed you, whether your life's direction was affected, or even whether you decided to stop doing utterly retarded things like standing on moving vehicles. It tells me nothing about your academic potential or fitness to study and/or practice law. It tells me nothing about your motivations, your personality, or your life.

Here is the outline of your essay:

My friends and I did something stupid.
I broke my elbow.
It healed.
The end.


I agree. I know you might hate hearing this, but I really don't think this is a subject worthy of a PS. It doesn't explain why you want to go to law school or why you would excel in law school. If I were you, I'd dig a little deeper and switch topics completely.
I partially disagree in that I don't think there really are any bad PS topics, just badly-executed ones.

But a complete rewrite is certainly in order here, even if the topic is kept.


+1

Aktenas
Posts: 3
Joined: Thu Nov 10, 2011 12:49 am

Re: Critique My Personal Statement !!

Postby Aktenas » Thu Nov 10, 2011 6:56 pm

Thanks for the help everyone, I will probably have to find a new topic to write about. Does anyone have any ideas on how to make this a good topic? Or ideas on a new topic ? I just don't really know what to do now.

CanadianWolf
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Re: Critique My Personal Statement !!

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Nov 10, 2011 6:57 pm

I only read the first paragraph. Although enjoyable to read, I doubt that this will help your law school applications.

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FryBreadPower
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Re: Critique My Personal Statement !!

Postby FryBreadPower » Thu Nov 10, 2011 7:00 pm

Aktenas wrote:Thanks for the help everyone, I will probably have to find a new topic to write about. Does anyone have any ideas on how to make this a good topic? Or ideas on a new topic ? I just don't really know what to do now.


I think you need to ask yourself why you want to study law. If you can't answer that before you start writing then whatever you put down on paper is probably not going to be very good.

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Trex
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Re: Critique My Personal Statement !!

Postby Trex » Thu Nov 10, 2011 7:21 pm

FryBreadPower wrote:
Aktenas wrote:Thanks for the help everyone, I will probably have to find a new topic to write about. Does anyone have any ideas on how to make this a good topic? Or ideas on a new topic ? I just don't really know what to do now.


I think you need to ask yourself why you want to study law. If you can't answer that before you start writing then whatever you put down on paper is probably not going to be very good.


That's good advice but a PS doesn't haven to address why law in order to be good.

llachans
Posts: 597
Joined: Wed Aug 24, 2011 12:54 pm

Re: Critique My Personal Statement !!

Postby llachans » Thu Nov 10, 2011 8:58 pm

Some general questions to ask yourself that may lead to a strong PS:

- "What was my biggest adversity and how did I overcome it?"
- " What was the biggest lesson I've ever learned?"
- "What is my biggest achievement?"
- "What was my greatest learning experience?"
- "How has my (socioeconomic/racial/cultural/geographical/other personal factor) background led me to pursue a career in law?"

These may seem generic but if you sit back and dwell on them for a bit, you might find a topic you hadn't initially considered that could turn into a really unique PS.

Good luck!




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