Any Feedback Appreciated!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Any Feedback Appreciated!

Postby wfudeacons2005 » Tue Nov 08, 2011 12:06 am

Any insight would be a big help as I am planning to submit my early action applications to Maine and Northeastern in the next week or so. Also, I am planning on throwing a sentence or two in the last paragraph about a strength of the particular school that I am submitting it along it will be a bit more beefed up at the end. Thanks in advance and I'd be more than happy to swap as well!

“From the beginning we've said we are going to respect the rule of law. If the Supreme Court of the United States says no more votes will be counted, then that's the end of it.”
- David Boies, Esq.

My path towards law school began when I was just eleven years old, in the midst of the 2000 election dispute. I was laying a bed in an Austin, Texas hotel room, watching the latest news coverage of the Florida recount. Over the blaring noise and commotion of the pro-Bush supporters rallying outside of my window, I heard attorney David Boies, representing Al Gore’s campaign, make the above statement. The comment struck me then because it accepted the termination of a legal fight for a reason – the rule of law. In essence, it reflected a legal process and tradition that ensures continuity in America during periods of transition, where nations might bend towards anarchy and revolt. However, despite these initial reactions, it was not until later in my life that I was able to contextualize the meaning of Boies’ words fully and appreciate the role of the legal process in resolving disputes.

Government and law have always been a part of family discussions. Both my parents are lawyers and both served in government at one point in their careers. Their shared experience, however, does not mean that they always agree on the law. As a result, debates at the dinner table often focused on how the Clinton impeachment was handled, whether Gerald Ford should have pardoned Richard Nixon, and how a president can commit troops without a declaration of war. My parents also encouraged me to read some of the opinions written by my great-grandfather, Norris Bakke, a Chief Justice of the Colorado Supreme Court.

This fascination with the American legal system and governance led me to select college courses that would explain what is really meant by the “rule of law” and how it developed and evolved. While classes provided me with some of the answers, I also wanted to experience the process. This led me to seek work in congressional offices of a United States senator and representative and to study overseas. During my semester abroad, I learned about the European system of laws and came to appreciate what was unique and different about the American structure.

My early interest in the law helped me develop in two important ways. I developed an attention to detail and the ability to analyze difficult situations, both of which will provide an excellent foundation for my legal studies. I also grew to view law school as a commitment to a true ideal – understanding the legal framework that has supported our country for over 200 years. And so I pursue an education in law so I can make a difference, whether it be as a trial lawyer like David Boies, an elected representative or as advocate for those who think themselves unfairly treated by our laws.

In short, I believe that I belong to a greater whole. I seek to make a difference and have an intense desire to succeed. Law school will challenge me to be the best I can be.

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Re: Any Feedback Appreciated!

Postby caminante » Tue Nov 08, 2011 2:24 pm

First, I do not like essays that begin with a quote. I think it would be more effective if it was used within the body of the text.

I think you have a very fun story to tell about your family's history and your involvement in debating important legal decisions over the dining room table. However, I don't think that this draft is very effective.

You need specific examples that back up the assertions that you make. You debated with your family and read your grandfathers decisions. What was that like? How did it make you reflect on other parts of your life?

If you are going to bring up college/ internship/ study abroad (and I suggest that you do not attempt to discuss all three) you need to provide examples that will help us connect the dots between your childhood interests and young adult pursuits.

You have some nice experiences to pull from. Take the time to really flesh one or two of them out in the essay instead of briefly mentioning all of them.

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Re: Any Feedback Appreciated!

Postby moneybagsphd » Tue Nov 08, 2011 2:36 pm

wfudeacons2005 wrote:Law school will challenge me to be the best I can be.

Don't conclude with this sentence. It sounds like you're joining the army.

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