Draft 2 for Fordham. Thoughts?

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tombnorton
Posts: 15
Joined: Mon Oct 31, 2011 9:25 pm

Draft 2 for Fordham. Thoughts?

Postby tombnorton » Fri Nov 04, 2011 2:56 pm

Any thoughts?
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As a professional guitar player, I’ve done some thrilling stuff. I’ve nailed killer licks. I’ve laid down a track in the studio with one perfect take. I’ve found myself entranced by a melody and high on sound. The biggest thrill, though, comes when I’m in a five-by-five-foot room with a student. Usually, professional musicians consider teaching lessons as a necessity for making ends meet. I consider it the best part of the job.

Students like complex puzzles. Each has peculiarities of personality that, once solved, allow me to teach to the student in a focused, personal way. The smile on a student’s face after they have finally mastered a tricky chord change or learned a cool pop riff fills me with an overwhelming sense of achievement; to understand a person and to guide them to success is a very satisfying pursuit.

I’ve had some students for a long time. By seeing them week after week, year after year, I’ve developed a strong rapport them and their families. I’ve seen innocent five year-olds grow to be mischievous middle-schoolers, and I’ve seen scrawny, shy sixth-graders grow up to be mature, college-bound young adults who drive themselves to lessons and perform their own gigs. There came a time, however, when teaching lessons was not alone enough to satisfy my creative drive. I needed something more.

So, in 2008, I created and directed two programs for my students: a guitar ensemble and a summer jazz band. My goal in founding these groups was to bring together students of varying ages and interests, so that they may share their skills and ideas while learning and playing together. The groups often performed publically, and each concert drummed up interest. At the start of each new session, new members joined the groups. Ultimately, I increased enrollment in my ensembles by 300 percent, and succeeded in creating the forum for music and community that I had envisioned.

Nevertheless, the community that I created is a small one. In many ways, it still barely extends beyond the five-by-five-foot space of my lesson room. And though I love the puzzle-world of students and teaching, I crave more complex problems more formidable intellectual challenges.

Like my students who are ready to start anew in college, high school, and middle school, I am geared for fresh challenges in law school. My passion for the music world, coupled with my craving to creatively conquer challenges, has ignited a desire to extend my passion for teaching to the study and practice of entertainment law.

Like my students, the music business is growing up very quickly. Rapid advances have been made in the ways that people hear, view, and buy music. New technology, new media, and new means of communication raise new questions and issues that need resolving. Just as students need the guidance and wisdom of teachers, the music industry will need similar attention in order to reach its maximized potential. I am eager to address these issues and to tackle these questions, and excited to offer an attentive, guiding hand.

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Kess
Posts: 394
Joined: Wed Sep 21, 2011 12:26 pm

Re: Draft 2 for Fordham. Thoughts?

Postby Kess » Fri Nov 04, 2011 10:13 pm

This is a much better ending :)

tombnorton
Posts: 15
Joined: Mon Oct 31, 2011 9:25 pm

Re: Draft 2 for Fordham. Thoughts?

Postby tombnorton » Fri Nov 04, 2011 10:23 pm

wohoo! thanks for all your input Kess

Master Tofu
Posts: 235
Joined: Sat Dec 23, 2006 11:43 pm

Re: Draft 2 for Fordham. Thoughts?

Postby Master Tofu » Sat Nov 05, 2011 2:55 am

I get the whole trying to put forth your own voice thing, but this is way too colloquial first of all. Second of all, who cares about how mischievous your students are or whether they can drive themselves to lesson? What does that tell the reader about you? Did you plan pranks with them? Did you teach them how to drive? Redo and try to do more work on you and how you've developed. Maybe the reasons are cliche but its your job to spin it and make it sound interesting.

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A Swift
Posts: 185
Joined: Wed Apr 22, 2009 10:36 am

Re: Draft 2 for Fordham. Thoughts?

Postby A Swift » Sat Nov 05, 2011 1:13 pm

I did not note all the grammatical errors I found and just focused on the substance. You have a really compelling story. I think you can make this thing pop. Good luck!


As a professional guitar player, I’ve done some thrilling stuff. I’ve nailed killer licks. I’ve laid down a track in the studio with one perfect take. I’ve found myself entranced by a melody and high on sound. The biggest thrill, though, comes when I’m in a five-by-five-foot room with a student. Usually, professional musicians consider teaching lessons as a necessity for making ends meet. I consider it the best part of the job.

Students are like complex puzzles. Each has peculiarities of personality that, once solved, allow me to teach to the student in a focused, personal way.Telling us students are like complex puzzles without showing us the strategies and skills you use to "solve" them is a lost opportunity. The smile on a student’s face after they have finally mastered a tricky chord change or learned a cool pop riff fills me with an overwhelming sense of achievement; to understand a person and to guide them to success is a very satisfying pursuit. And here the payoff to "solving" them is lost because we don't see the work, efforts, and skills you used to accomplish it

I’ve had some students for a long time. By seeing them week after week, year after year, I’ve developed a strong rapport them and their families. I’ve seen innocent five year-olds grow to be mischievous middle-schoolers, and I’ve seen scrawny, shy sixth-graders grow up to be mature, college-bound young adults who drive themselves to lessons and perform their own gigs. There came a time, however, when teaching lessons was not alone enough to satisfy my creative drive. I needed something more.You can say this in one line, "As a teacher, I watched my student grow from adolescents to young adults." This essay is about you, and you've spent a paragraph talking about how kids grow up. AND, the theme of you essay is about how your love of teaching, combined with your ambition, drove you to create a successful music program. Drive that point home. You have a great story, but you're not selling it. "not alone enough to satisfy my creative drive" Maybe this is true, but it reads as a slightly selfish reason, especially in the face of how you just told us teaching is this amazingly rewarding thing.

So, in 2008, I created and directed two programs for my students: a guitar ensemble and a summer jazz band. My goal in founding these groups was to bring together students of varying ages and interests, so that they may share their skills and ideas while learning and playing together. The groups often performed publically, and each concert drummed up interest. At the start of each new session, new members joined the groups. Ultimately, I increased enrollment in my ensembles by 300 percentHOW?! This is your chance to show us why you are awesome. Show me your hard work. Show me your obstacles. What did it involve? How did you do it? Was it easy?, and succeeded in creating the forum for music and community that I had envisioned.

Nevertheless, the community that I created is a small one. In many ways, it still barely extends beyond the five-by-five-foot space of my lesson room. And though I love the puzzle-world of students and teaching, I crave more complex problems more formidable intellectual challenges.Again, you have this amazing story-- really worthwhile accomplishments-- but you downplay it with you language.

Like my students who are ready to start anew in college, high school, and middle school, I am geared for fresh challenges in law school. My passion for the music world, coupled with my craving to creatively conquer challenges, has ignited a desire to extend my passion for teaching to the study and practice of entertainment law.

Like my students, the music business is growing up very quickly. Rapid advances have been made in the ways that people hear, view, and buy music. New technology, new media, and new means of communication raise new questions and issues that need resolving. Just as students need the guidance and wisdom of teachers, the music industry will need similar attention in order to reach its maximized potential. I am eager to address these issues and to tackle these questions, and excited to offer an attentive, guiding hand.This is forced. Your essay doesn't have to be about why you want to go to law school. For you, the essay should be about how your skills and experiences will make you a good lawyer. Drive, Ambition, Educator. Your passion for music, love of education, and personal drive helped you create a very successfully music program which grew into a community of young adults who similarly developing a passion for music. You took something you loved and gave it back to the community. This is law. You become an expert in a specialized area of the law and use that skill and knowledge to help others.




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