Please review my PS

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
efcaley
Posts: 18
Joined: Tue May 17, 2011 10:33 pm

Please review my PS

Postby efcaley » Fri Nov 04, 2011 5:54 am

edit: Changes made. Thanks for all the input so far!!!

Thanks
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Last edited by efcaley on Sat Nov 12, 2011 5:15 am, edited 2 times in total.

efcaley
Posts: 18
Joined: Tue May 17, 2011 10:33 pm

Re: Please review my PS

Postby efcaley » Fri Nov 04, 2011 8:45 am

I work graveyards, so a bump before I call it a "night."

I appreciate any feedback I receive!!!

efcaley
Posts: 18
Joined: Tue May 17, 2011 10:33 pm

Re: Please review my PS

Postby efcaley » Sat Nov 05, 2011 1:08 am

One last bump, really hoping for some help.

Thanks!

VyingDestiny
Posts: 30
Joined: Thu Mar 17, 2011 11:01 pm

Re: Please review my PS

Postby VyingDestiny » Sat Nov 05, 2011 1:31 am

Heavy critiques are incredibly time consuming, so please forgive this rather light commentary.

This is a complete resume regurgitation. The only thing I learned about (that I assume was not in your resume) was your family, and I found myself ultimately disappointed with your reasons for attending law school. This is presumably not the reaction you want readers to have.

You have written something that is neither compelling nor endearing, and while I do not wish to ignore the hard work you have put in your statement, I would advise starting anew. Narrow your focus, reveal your persona, and do not simply show that you are a hard worker.

efcaley
Posts: 18
Joined: Tue May 17, 2011 10:33 pm

Re: Please review my PS

Postby efcaley » Sat Nov 05, 2011 2:07 am

Thanks for the feedback! Does anything from what's there jump out as a starting point for something new?

Master Tofu
Posts: 235
Joined: Sat Dec 23, 2006 11:43 pm

Re: Please review my PS

Postby Master Tofu » Sat Nov 05, 2011 2:58 am

So I get you're really good at what you do, but why now, why law?

efcaley
Posts: 18
Joined: Tue May 17, 2011 10:33 pm

Re: Please review my PS

Postby efcaley » Sat Nov 05, 2011 3:21 am

Master Tofu wrote:So I get you're really good at what you do, but why now, why law?


I want to have an impact in a broader area of influence. I hope to go into either criminal (haven't decided whether I'd like to be a prosecutor or defense attorney) or environmental law. I enjoy being an advocate for a cause, and have realized the most personal satisfaction from the improvements and changes I have been able to accomplish in my current career. Neither of the projects I describe in my statement were assigned to me, they were causes that I felt strongly about and took on independently, in addition to my regular duties. I want to go into a field where such opportunities are more common.

VyingDestiny
Posts: 30
Joined: Thu Mar 17, 2011 11:01 pm

Re: Please review my PS

Postby VyingDestiny » Sat Nov 05, 2011 12:48 pm

efcaley wrote:
I want to have an impact in a broader area of influence. I hope to go into either criminal (haven't decided whether I'd like to be a prosecutor or defense attorney) or environmental law. I enjoy being an advocate for a cause, and have realized the most personal satisfaction from the improvements and changes I have been able to accomplish in my current career. Neither of the projects I describe in my statement were assigned to me, they were causes that I felt strongly about and took on independently, in addition to my regular duties. I want to go into a field where such opportunities are more common.


Sounds like a start to me. Flesh out these reasons using one or two of the personal experiences you've described above. Again, focus on revealing aspects of your character which are not obvious from your resume. You have the material to make a compelling narrative; good luck to you in your revisions.

efcaley
Posts: 18
Joined: Tue May 17, 2011 10:33 pm

Re: Please review my PS

Postby efcaley » Sat Nov 05, 2011 6:10 pm

Thanks for the feedback.

I originally went to school twelve years ago, and had a miserable run (sub 2.0 GPA and academic suspension). I was reluctant to address that issue in my first draft of this statement, but am really leaning towards addressing it, because it played a significant role in driving my successes since. I know that the general advice on this site is to avoid anything negative, but due to the lessons it taught me and the drive in me it created, would it be appropriate to address? I think that the story becomes more compelling with it.

Thoughts?

efcaley
Posts: 18
Joined: Tue May 17, 2011 10:33 pm

Re: Please review my PS

Postby efcaley » Sat Nov 05, 2011 10:01 pm

Major changes...I feel like this statement is much more personal and better addresses my motivation. Please give me your honest critique...

edit: reposted above
Last edited by efcaley on Sat Nov 05, 2011 11:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.

lsatcrazy
Posts: 388
Joined: Tue May 31, 2011 8:08 pm

Re: Please review my PS

Postby lsatcrazy » Sat Nov 05, 2011 10:06 pm

Too many numbers

efcaley
Posts: 18
Joined: Tue May 17, 2011 10:33 pm

Re: Please review my PS

Postby efcaley » Sat Nov 05, 2011 10:11 pm

lsatcrazy wrote:Too many numbers


Could you elaborate? Other than dates, there is only one number.

Master Tofu
Posts: 235
Joined: Sat Dec 23, 2006 11:43 pm

Re: Please review my PS

Postby Master Tofu » Sat Nov 05, 2011 10:21 pm

efcaley wrote:Thanks for the feedback.

I originally went to school twelve years ago, and had a miserable run (sub 2.0 GPA and academic suspension). I was reluctant to address that issue in my first draft of this statement, but am really leaning towards addressing it, because it played a significant role in driving my successes since. I know that the general advice on this site is to avoid anything negative, but due to the lessons it taught me and the drive in me it created, would it be appropriate to address? I think that the story becomes more compelling with it.

Thoughts?



I wouldn't apologize for a GPA dated twelve years ago - the records are what they are. Just make the PS positive and upbeat - don't drag it down with the sad stuff.

lsatcrazy
Posts: 388
Joined: Tue May 31, 2011 8:08 pm

Re: Please review my PS

Postby lsatcrazy » Sat Nov 05, 2011 10:28 pm

efcaley wrote:
lsatcrazy wrote:Too many numbers


Could you elaborate? Other than dates, there is only one number.


GPA/Number of credits etc.

User avatar
bigeast03
Posts: 363
Joined: Sat Jan 22, 2011 9:21 pm

Re: Please review my PS

Postby bigeast03 » Sat Nov 05, 2011 10:41 pm

PM'd you some suggestions and edits, I hope it helps!

efcaley
Posts: 18
Joined: Tue May 17, 2011 10:33 pm

Re: Please review my PS

Postby efcaley » Sat Nov 05, 2011 11:12 pm

Great, I've made changes. Thank you so much guys. Trying to come up with better transitions from paragraph 4 to 5 and from paragraph 5 to 6.

carpar
Posts: 2
Joined: Sat Nov 05, 2011 9:08 am

Re: Please review my PS

Postby carpar » Sun Nov 06, 2011 1:01 pm

This is way too long. Some of the essays have to be under 500 words and most have to only be a page or two.

efcaley
Posts: 18
Joined: Tue May 17, 2011 10:33 pm

Re: Please review my PS

Postby efcaley » Sun Nov 06, 2011 3:09 pm

carpar wrote:This is way too long. Some of the essays have to be under 500 words and most have to only be a page or two.


Thanks for the reality check. I've made significant cuts, and have it down to two pages...hopefully the story is still there...
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Last edited by efcaley on Sat Nov 12, 2011 5:15 am, edited 1 time in total.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Please review my PS

Postby CanadianWolf » Sun Nov 06, 2011 3:22 pm

Overall, this is a very weak & ineffective personal statement because it lacks depth of insight & it is little more than a resume regurgitation.

P.S. Consider deleting the last five (5) paragraphs as they offer little insight into how you matured, how you view the world & what formed your outlook.

efcaley
Posts: 18
Joined: Tue May 17, 2011 10:33 pm

Re: Please review my PS

Postby efcaley » Sun Nov 06, 2011 3:40 pm

Ouch, harsh. Thanks for the input though.




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