rip apart my personal statement!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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sumtimesuwonder
Posts: 52
Joined: Wed Oct 12, 2011 9:59 pm

rip apart my personal statement!

Postby sumtimesuwonder » Wed Nov 02, 2011 11:00 pm

“Ryan, your mother has a tumor in her abdomen and she’s going to need surgery.” It was shocking news, considering she seemed so healthy only a week before. I had taken for granted my mother’s presence in my life. Now, I was forced to consider the implications of a future without her. She was my safety net, and the thought of her loss left me feeling exposed and vulnerable. Her diagnosis suddenly thrust me into a world of hardship that I thought would never apply to me. However, I was able to thrive in this environment of adversity. My development as a human being was accelerated thanks to the obstacles I overcame. My experiences cultivated a sense of leadership, decisiveness and determination within me. It is these tools that will eventually carry me toward success in my next endeavor, an education in law.

During those two trying years, I was able to acquire a sense of leadership and decisiveness through my employment. It was important for both my family and I that I support myself financially. I found work at an imaging center called Viewmont Medical Services. While there, I was responsible for tending to patients basic needs, as well as preparing them for their procedures. As I grew more experienced, I became an important agent in keeping the facility running smoothly. I took a role in not only training new employees, but in catching the mistakes of my superiors. This experience allowed me to become more decisive in my actions, and to apply this decisiveness to the people I was in charge of. This sense of leadership and decision making has had implications in other parts of my life, particularly on the home front. My family has come to look to me as a source of strength. This was especially true during the toughest times, when I was sought out to provide not only advice, but to make tough decisions with regards to my mother’s treatment and care. The leadership and decision-making skills I have developed will allow me to contribute to the field of law in a manner similar to how they have affected my life, significantly and meaningfully.

It wasn’t only leadership and decisiveness that allowed me to adapt to the challenges I faced. The determination I developed during this time has allowed me to continue to succeed, especially with regard to my education. The threat of having to interrupt my schooling suddenly seemed very real. I did not want to be looked at by my family as if I was wasting my time away from home, when there were more pressing issues to be dealt with. If it wasn’t for the fact that my mother took such joy from my academic success, I don’t know if I would have been able to stay in school with a clean conscience. Her support was the main source of inspiration for me to better myself through education. It gave me the determination I needed to overcome the obstacles that lie in the way of my schooling, including the time constraints that the frequent travel home imposed on my work. I learned to manage my time in a manner that allowed me to keep good standing in my classes while still maintaining a presence at home. The efficiency I developed has allowed me to separate myself academically from my peers during my undergraduate career, and will allow me to continue to do so throughout my law education.

When my mother passed away during the spring of 2011, I was having a difficult time putting her death into perspective. It seemed like a monumental failure on my part. I was charged with caring for my mother, and now she was dead. It was difficult to get over, but as time went on, I recognized that I couldn’t let this failure define me. I had already overcame so much to get to this point. The leadership, decisiveness, and determination I have acquired have helped me tremendously in life after my mother. It has helped me lead my family through this difficult time, given me the courage to pursue a career in law, and the determination to succeed in such a field. In spite of the adversity I continue to face in the wake of my mother’s death, I have cause for optimism. If I can achieve my goals in this environment, then I can overcome anything. A quote by Winston Churchill sums my attitude up very well. He said “If you’re going through Hell, keep going.” And so I shall.

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atcushman
Posts: 389
Joined: Tue Oct 25, 2011 5:08 pm

Re: rip apart my personal statement!

Postby atcushman » Thu Nov 03, 2011 12:13 am

You are off to a great start and you have an amazing story to tell.
My first advice would be to read this outloud to yourself and just listen to how it sounds. You have some great points, but you get wordy and repeat yourself. It is good to have a running theme but you say leadership and decisiveness too often. The people looking at your story will see that you took on responsobility and made tough decisions based on your story you don't have to be so forceful about it.
Also the transition between paragraph one and two is a little rough and your message gets a little confusing you start in paragraph one that facing your mothers medical issues and supporting your family made you a leader gave you determination etc... but then in paragraph two it says you gained these traits from your work.
In my opinion you have a great story but your statement needs to be tighter you have alot going on and it dosnt all mesh. You are actually off to a great start though about 99% of the people I know cant come up with anything worth putting into a personal statement and you have a little too much.

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sumtimesuwonder
Posts: 52
Joined: Wed Oct 12, 2011 9:59 pm

Re: rip apart my personal statement!

Postby sumtimesuwonder » Thu Nov 03, 2011 12:26 am

thanks atcushman i appreciate the feedback. I see what you mean with the wordiness, ill try to tone it down a little. I also see your point with the leadership/ decision making repeating. It is a little awkward and ill work on it. thanks again!

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sumtimesuwonder
Posts: 52
Joined: Wed Oct 12, 2011 9:59 pm

Re: rip apart my personal statement!

Postby sumtimesuwonder » Thu Nov 03, 2011 8:49 pm

bump. would anyone else be willing to give some feedback?

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fltanglab
Posts: 555
Joined: Thu Feb 24, 2011 3:44 pm

Re: rip apart my personal statement!

Postby fltanglab » Thu Nov 03, 2011 9:16 pm

Your prose style is cold for such an emotional story. It is actually a little disturbing. I would suggest editing your statement when you're feeling a little more emotion and see if that helps at all. The physician's announcement is immediately unfeeling and sets the tone for the rest of the piece in a bad way.




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