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(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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FryBreadPower
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Joined: Tue Oct 25, 2011 9:46 pm

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Postby FryBreadPower » Wed Nov 02, 2011 7:20 pm

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Last edited by FryBreadPower on Fri Nov 04, 2011 8:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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FryBreadPower
Posts: 908
Joined: Tue Oct 25, 2011 9:46 pm

Re: Final Edits

Postby FryBreadPower » Thu Nov 03, 2011 4:56 pm

Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

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No13baby
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Re: Final Edits

Postby No13baby » Thu Nov 03, 2011 9:19 pm

I really like this. Your introduction is great; I love what you had to say about your great-grandpa. One minor concern: to really tie this together I think it might be interesting to hear a bit more about the legal limitations you ran up against in your philanthropic and community work. If you could throw in a few more specific sentences about what those were (you say in the American Cancer Society paragraph that there were legal issues in your way, but don't really mention how they impacted your work) it would help develop your theme a little better. As it stands now, law school seems a little like an afterthought by the time you mention it. There are a lot of different occupations that can help change the world - out of all those that can, why did you decide on law specifically?

If you need to cut, I think the two paragraphs about your fraternity and its community service can be cut a little and condensed into one. Otherwise, this is definitely one of the stronger personal statements I've read on here.

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FryBreadPower
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Joined: Tue Oct 25, 2011 9:46 pm

Re: Final Edits

Postby FryBreadPower » Thu Nov 03, 2011 10:05 pm

No13baby wrote:I really like this. Your introduction is great; I love what you had to say about your great-grandpa. One minor concern: to really tie this together I think it might be interesting to hear a bit more about the legal limitations you ran up against in your philanthropic and community work. If you could throw in a few more specific sentences about what those were (you say in the American Cancer Society paragraph that there were legal issues in your way, but don't really mention how they impacted your work) it would help develop your theme a little better. As it stands now, law school seems a little like an afterthought by the time you mention it. There are a lot of different occupations that can help change the world - out of all those that can, why did you decide on law specifically?

If you need to cut, I think the two paragraphs about your fraternity and its community service can be cut a little and condensed into one. Otherwise, this is definitely one of the stronger personal statements I've read on here.


Thank you for the insight. The "out of thin air" interest in law was the one thing that bothered me once I had the close-to-finished PS in front of me. I will add a couple of sentences that elaborate more specifically on those limitations. And I do need to cut (I'm at 2 and a third pages roughly) so I think I will experiment with pulling those two together.




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