Lay it on me

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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ggibelli
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Lay it on me

Postby ggibelli » Wed Nov 02, 2011 2:09 pm

-- thanks for the feedback!
Last edited by ggibelli on Thu Nov 03, 2011 9:15 am, edited 1 time in total.

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ggibelli
Posts: 215
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Re: Lay it on me

Postby ggibelli » Wed Nov 02, 2011 2:37 pm

also i'm willing to swap with anyone who would like their PS looked at as well

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ggibelli
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Re: Lay it on me

Postby ggibelli » Wed Nov 02, 2011 4:19 pm

any help?

CanadianWolf
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Re: Lay it on me

Postby CanadianWolf » Wed Nov 02, 2011 4:31 pm

"Seeing pictures charred, belonings lost, and families' homes destroyed." This is not a sentence. TRY: "But for me, seeing....homes destroyed, has become the norm."

"...I can both put my name on & do it for a profitable price." This is a poorly worded & poorly structured sentence.

"The scenario pins both me....winner in." This is an awkward sentence.

Your final paragraph is unconvincing & weak. The first two paragraphs are strong, but the essay slowly deteriorates thereafter.

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A Swift
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Re: Lay it on me

Postby A Swift » Wed Nov 02, 2011 4:49 pm

It's a tough opening, because when you learn you are not a firefighter it's a bit of a let down. You build up to: "My name is xxxxxxxxx, and I’m an estimator for my father’s fire and water damage restoration company." I think there is a better way to do it. Also, I think you should have about three "story" sentences max before you get to your "thesis" (aka skills/strengths). And drop that it is your fathers.

"a relationship that I have learned how to be a winner in" <- This is the meat of your story, showing us that you are a good negotiator. Its cheap to come out and say it like that. Build on why it is hard. Really sell that it is hard. And then tell us why you are good.

"I've become proficient" -> Again, this is the meat. Show us what you have learned, how you have grown.

Focus on these skills: detail oriented, negotiation, balance. SHOW US.
Detail Oriented -> Complex proposals which are fought at every turn and errors would results in losses and difficulties for the homeowner. (a lot at stake)
Negotiation -> Learned to predict questions, have alternate options, use experience to build trust
Balance -> Pressure of homeowner's difficult loss, needs to your firm, and the desires of the adjuster.


Good luck!




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