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(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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CattyPake
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Joined: Thu Mar 03, 2011 8:52 pm

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Postby CattyPake » Tue Nov 01, 2011 11:22 pm

Editing
Last edited by CattyPake on Wed Nov 02, 2011 12:38 am, edited 1 time in total.

CanadianWolf
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Re: Read my PS! (Already sent to Cornell)

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Nov 01, 2011 11:41 pm

Well written, but this essay's theme implies that you may struggle with law school due to your focus or obsession with activities that are unusually challenging for you.

What message do you want to share with readers ? If I'm good at something, I'll focus on another challenging activity that is beyond my natural abilities ?

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CattyPake
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Re: Read my PS! (Already sent to Cornell)

Postby CattyPake » Tue Nov 01, 2011 11:49 pm

CanadianWolf wrote:What message do you want to share with readers ? If I'm good at something, I'll focus on another challenging activity that is beyond my natural abilities ?


Thanks for reading! And yeah, I was kinda trying to work the "overcoming obstacles/I try really hard" angle.

CanadianWolf
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Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Read my PS! (Already sent to Cornell)

Postby CanadianWolf » Wed Nov 02, 2011 12:00 am

Your PS sends a mixed message. It's admirable that you are willing to face challenges, but worrisome that you may become preoccupied with your inability to master non-law related activities. Additionally, your attraction to law makes a cameo appearance similiar to an unconvincing afterthought.

This essay may not hurt your application, but the goal of a law school personal statement is to increase your chances of admission and I think that your writing fails in this respect.

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CattyPake
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Re: Read my PS! (Already sent to Cornell)

Postby CattyPake » Wed Nov 02, 2011 12:31 am

Think I can add anything to to make me seem less obsessive or are you just not a fan of the topic in general?

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Read my PS! (Already sent to Cornell)

Postby CanadianWolf » Wed Nov 02, 2011 12:33 am

You need to redefine or, at least, refine your topic to present yourself & your abilities in a more positive light.

"Instead I gravitated toward less challenging activities..." and this is where you introduce, in a very unconvincing fashion, your interest in law school. Then the essay returns to your obsession with running. The message is that reading & law school were okay until you realized that you could handle the mechanics of running if you proceeded in a deliberate & determined manner over the course of a lifetime. What's wrong with this picture ? Law is a temporary respite from your life-long mission of learning to run.




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