DS having origins on a golf course

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FloridaCoastalorbust
Posts: 1302
Joined: Mon Feb 21, 2011 4:43 pm

DS having origins on a golf course

Postby FloridaCoastalorbust » Tue Nov 01, 2011 1:03 pm

Removed


Is this whiny? Is this even worth submitting? I'm not looking for sweeping edits, but just a few comments on whether the idea is working and worth submitting

Edit: Removed
Last edited by FloridaCoastalorbust on Tue Nov 01, 2011 5:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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danielhay11
Posts: 230
Joined: Wed Oct 26, 2011 8:32 pm

Re: DS having origins on a golf course

Postby danielhay11 » Tue Nov 01, 2011 3:00 pm

A few overarching comments:
-I don't really think this is a diversity statement. This sounds like you had two ideas for your PS, chose the other one, and still wanted to use the golf course story. It's a compelling story, and I want to hear more. But there's a difference between financial hardship and being on the wrong side of a collapsing market. I'm sure this was an awful time, but your parents still had enough money to buy a golf course at one point.
-The second paragraph is a non-sequitur. Also, you talk about moving to a "foreign place" - I assume this is mentioned in your resume or PS, but a reminder might be nice.
-Be careful with how you use the word unique

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No13baby
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Joined: Fri Aug 19, 2011 12:42 am

Re: DS having origins on a golf course

Postby No13baby » Tue Nov 01, 2011 3:14 pm

This is promising but I think you should be more specific. How did your parents' lessons help you succeed? Give some concrete examples to flesh out the rest of this essay.

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rinkrat19
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Joined: Sat Sep 25, 2010 5:35 am

Re: DS having origins on a golf course

Postby rinkrat19 » Tue Nov 01, 2011 3:21 pm

"providing for all expenses" makes it sound like you were supporting your parents as well. I assume, after re-reading, that you were just unexpectedly forced to pay your own way through school. It's an interesting story, but supporting yourself through college in no way makes you diverse. Tons of people at every college do it every year. Maybe you could make it a riches-to-rags kind of story and argue that the transition from one economic situation to the other makes you diverse, but it's still not very sympathetic. ("Aw, poor little rich kid discovers how the middle-class lives.") It's not like you were ever actually poor.

The second half of your second paragraph is really confusing. I don't understand what "prepared for my undergraduate" means, or what campus and community activities have to do with anything. Did you work and save up enough to pay for school before going so that you would have time to join clubs, etc.? Also, "completing my degrees without a financial standstill" (what?) has nothing to do with "committing to a determined course of study," so what are they doing in the same sentence?

FloridaCoastalorbust
Posts: 1302
Joined: Mon Feb 21, 2011 4:43 pm

Re: DS having origins on a golf course

Postby FloridaCoastalorbust » Tue Nov 01, 2011 5:01 pm

Thanks for the feedback! I suspected that the topic was more PS-worthy and from the comments it seems that way




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